Me Tarzan you Jane no walk away from me!

Tarzan and Jane, the world’s second most popular half-naked wild couple, behind only Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have announced that they are breaking up.

“Tarzan love Jane. Tarzan all broke up” said Tarzan.

Sources close to the super feral couple say that the breakup was long in coming and that it was Jane who initiated it.

“Look Jane loves Tarzan but she’s grown as a woman and she feels that her future no longer includes him” said a close friend of Jane.

The couple first met when Jane was marooned off the coast of Africa. The attraction between the two was instantaneous.

“I was attracted to his take charge attitude” she said.

I had just been marooned. We were out of water and near death. And then he showed up.  He knew what to do. He got us water and food. I liked that.  I also like how his chest was perfectly smooth.  I mean he lived in the jungle but he still had time to manscape. That told me he was a multitasker. So we hooked up.

The couple became inseparable and were often seen swinging through the vines together.

“They quickly organized the rest of the chimpanzees and animals” said a frien\d.

The two of them became the leaders of the pack, so to speak. All the animals in the jungle looked up to Tarzan and would do anything for him. And why not? He could wrestle apes, lions, gorillas, rhinos, crocodiles and tigers. And his chest was shaved. That was very important as the chimps saw his smooth, waxed, shaven chest as a sign of superior intelligence. Hell, it turned them on. And why not? It’s turning me on right now.

But eventually Jane’s nascent feminism grew to resent Tarzan.

“I no longer felt the need to be dominated by him” she said.

Everywhere I went he was right behind me. His presence was suffocating. I had no safe space. As I grew in feminist consciousness I began to resent his constant need for sex. I now find male sexuality disgusting. If I even sense that a man wants me I punch him. Then I go to my fainting couch and cry bitter tears of the oppressed. Plus let’s face it. This whole Lord of the Jungle crap wreaks of patriarchy!

As for Tarzan friends say he is taking the breakup hard.

“He’s very depressed” according to one of his jungle followers.

He sits around all day. He won’t lead us anymore. He’s stopped eating. He won’t swing from the vines. He’s even stopped shaving his chest! He’s not shaving his chest! We’ve ask him to shave but he won’t. He keeps saying that without Jane he no longer cares about maintaining a buff, waxed and smooth chest. The chimps have nothing to masturbate to. It’s total chaos in the jungle!

Jane maintains that she will always love Tarzan but the breakup is simply part of the growing process.

“Sisters are doing it for themselves. Standing on their own two feet!”

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