I am going to show you how to survive in Corporate America

Since I’m tired today and don’t feel like writing anything I have given the pages of Manhattan Infidel over to a guest blogger:  Notes survivalist and star of Man Vs. Wild, Bear Grylls.  Take it away Bear.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.  I’m Bear Grylls. I’m going to show you what it takes to get out alive of some of the most dangerous places on Earth. I’ve been alone in the desert.  I’ve eaten scorpions (it was an explosion of pus). I’ve parachuted into glacier. But today I show you how to survive in the most dangerous environment ever:  Corporate America.

I have infiltrated 30 Rock in Manhattan by pretending I am part of a tour group. The first change I got I broke off and pretended I was a worker in Corporate America. My first goal:  Shelter. Without shelter I will be at the mercy of interns.

It is important that I find a free office to hunker down in before the interns, those rapacious animals, tear me to shreds. I was lucky to find an abandoned office. Abandoned because the previous occupant is on maternity leave. Or perhaps it’s abandoned because the cruel economic policies of Republicans have led to layoffs. Whatever the cause. I’m not here to judge. But Republicans are racist! 

But before I am safe in my office I have a run-in with an intern who asks me who I am. I attempt to bluff my way out of danger by telling her that this is my office. She doesn’t believe me and threatens to call security. Thinking quickly, and determined to defend myself, I knock her unconscious with a stapler. I then tie her up. Her flesh may come in handy later if I cannot find food.

My second need is water. In normal corporate American circumstances a man needs three to four bottles of water just to survive. If I don’t find water soon I will lose strength, pass out and potentially be devoured by interns.

Finding no water, I take my shirt off, unzip my pants and urinate on my shirt. I will be forced to drink my urine. Tying the shirt up I let the urine drip into my mouth. 

I am discovered by a security guard who shouts at me, “What the hell are you doing you crazy white boy!” I retreat into my office sanctuary before he can capture me.

Food. I need food. I leave my office and scour empty conference rooms looking for leftovers. After 20 minutes I find some dunkin donuts.  These are an excellent source of sugar. And sugar will give me energy. I grab the donuts and run back to my office. I will wake up periodically during the night and eat my new-found food.

It will be night soon. I will need light. A fire always warms the heart but if I start a fire I will soon be surrounded by security guards. Instead I turn on the desktop in the office. They will be my light. But first, I call the help desk to get a password to log in.  Yes, it’s between eight and 15 characters and I still can’t log in.  The Help Desk gives me a new password and I am able to log in. The light from the monitors cheers my heart during the long dark night in Corporate America.

At last the sun comes up. Time to make my escape.  I go into a bathroom and find fresh feces.  Still warm. This means that interns are near. I must make my escape now!  I wait in the shadows for a tour group.  Finally one show ups and I attach myself to it and make my escape. I will always treasure my time in corporate America. And its donuts. I am safe now.

Thank you Bear Grylls.

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