Everybody gets a chance to sing!

Suffering from ongoing banking scandals and extreme financial embarrassment Pope Francis ordered a series of Karaoke bars to be opened throughout Vatican City in hopes of drawing in tourists.

“We were looking at ways of bringing in some emergency cash” said Vatican Secretary of State Pietro Parolin.

I had many meetings with His Holiness on this subject. Some of the options considered included condom machines throughout the Vatican – this is in keeping with Pope Francis’ opening of the Church to modern times – increasing fines for jaywalking and charging all tourists extra for luggage.  But in the end we decided upon Karaoke. Who doesn’t love Karaoke?  I’ll tell you who. Those without mercy!

Once the decision was made a Karaoke bar was opened near the Sistine Chapel as a dry run.

“It proved to be wildly popular with everyone” said a high-ranking Cardinal who spoke on condition of anonymity.

It was packed wall to wall every night with tourists and Cardinals and the money was flowing. Everyone wanted their chance at the microphone. Well almost everyone. Pope Emeritus Benedict 

Dark Star baby! Whoo hoo! Jerry!

would hang back at the bar chugging beer and shouting “Dark Star! Whoo Hoo! Play Dark Star baby! The Grateful Dead rock!” Who knew he was so cool!

The Karaoke bar, tentatively called “Singing along with Bergoglio”, while for the most part successful has not been without bumps in the road.

“We had a brawl break out once” said a member of the Papal guard.

Cardinal Dolan from New York got into it with some tourists because he thought they were taking too much time at the microphone. Everyone is supposed to get only five minutes. So he started to complain to Pope Francis. Francis got annoyed at Dolan and told him not to be so attached to rules. “Es el ano de la misericordia.”  Have mercy and let people sing for as long as they want was the Pope’s message. Dolan didn’t like that and threw a pitcher of beer at the contestant. He then stormed out and threatened to start his own Karaoke bar. 

The top attraction is of course Pope Francis who has become quite known in the Vatican for his renditions of David Bowie songs.

“He comes along every afternoon on his lunch break and requests they put on Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. The entire album!” said a bartender.

I thought I’d seen everything but to see His Holiness with a microphone swaying his hips and singing Suffragette City? Well that’s something I’m going to have to tell my grandchildren about.

Despite the occasional brawls the pilot bar has proved successful beyond everyone’s wildest dreams, enabling the Vatican to get out of debt.  Six more bars will open in 2016.

In related news, Cardinal Timothy Dolan is planning on opening his own Karaoke bar in the Archdiocese of New York.

“The rules will be strictly enforced” said the Cardinal.  “Everyone only gets five minutes to sing.”

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Can i stay in Mexico? Italians scare me

Since his election by the College of Cardinals three years ago Pope Francis has been a polarizing figure. While many applaud him for “opening” the Church up there are those who feel he is damaging the Catholic brand. Today I am excited to land my first interview with a sitting Pope.

MI: Good afternoon your Holiness.

PF:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.  Would you like to receive my blessings?

MI:  Sure!  Thanks.

[Pope Francis puts his hands on Manhattan Infidel’s head]

PF: Lord may this blogger use his skills to defend multinational governments and the power of socialism. Amen.

MI: Um. Thanks.  I guess. Your Holiness you’ve been Pope for three years.  In that time you’d made a number of statements that have confused and alarmed the faithful such as your recent comment that Pope Paul VI approved of nuns in the Congo using contraceptives to avoid pregnancy during mass rapes.

PF: Yes, yes.  Pope Paul, a great man, gave a dispensation to nuns. 

MI: Really.  I’ve never heard of this before.

PF:Well I have access to secret Vatican archives.

MI:  Ah yes.  That must be it.  The famous secret Vatican Archives.

PF: Don’t mock the archives.  You learn a lot.  Did you know the Beatles song “I Am the Walrus”?

MI: Yes, it’s a very famous song.

PF: Turns out the walrus was Pete Best.

MI: Right.  Moving along.  You recently inserted yourself into the American Presidential race criticising Donald Trump for wanting to build a wall and saying that he is not a true Christian.

PF: Yes that is correct.  True Christians do not build walls.  Ever.

MI: But isn’t the Vatican located behind walls?

PF: Yes but that is completely different.

MI: How so?

PF:  I’m trying to keep out Italians and they are much more dangerous than Mexicans.  Seriously.  Italians scare me.

MI: I suppose that makes sense.

PF: The Godfather – that was a documentary.

MI: Okay.

PF: Cold blooded killers all of them.

MI: Right. Anyway – 

PF: I’m trying to move the Vatican.  Preferably to someplace where they only speak Spanish.  Miami Beach was my first choice. But that pretty boy –

MI: Rubio?

PF: Yeah, the robot wouldn’t approve building a wall around the new Miami Beach Vatican.

MI: Why would you need a wall around the Miami Beach Vatican?

PF: To keep the Croatians out. They are all mobbed up.  They make Italians look nonthreatening.

MI: I didn’t know that.

PF: So then I considered moving the Vatican to Scotland. But they wouldn’t pay for a wall.

MI: Why would you need a wall around the Scottish Vatican?

PF: To keep the English out of course.  Are you that ignorant of history?

MI: So where will you move the Vatican?

PF: I’ve given it much thought and I think I’ll move it to Mexico.  They speak Spanish (at least the Mexicans do. I don’t know what dialect the Indians speak). And I like the climate.  I just have to build a wall.

MI:Why?

PF: To keep the Americans out of course.

MI: I see.  Well that’s about all the time I have.

PF: Are you Italian Manhattan Infidel?

MI:  No I’m Irish.

PF: Irish? Why didn’t you say so. If it were up to me I’d build a wall around that country.

MI: To keep the English out?

PF: No. To keep the Irish in.  Aren’t you listening to me?

MI: Right. Well I’ll just be running along.

PF: According to the Vatican archives Keith Richards is immortal.

MI: Bye.

There you have it readers. My exclusive interview with the always controversial shepherd of the Catholic Church and successor to St. Peter. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go build a wall. The Pope has a point about Italians.

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#Chokingiscaring

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the former governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Spitzer.

ES: Whores!

MI:Um, what?

ES:Whores!  I love them!

MI: Okay I wasn’t going to start off with that but if you want to talk about that first –

ES: I’m not a big believer in foreplay.  Get to the penetration immediately.

MI:Well since you seem eager to talk about it, you were recently accused of choking a prostitute at the Plaza hotel in New York City.  This of course isn’t your first run-in with prostitutes.

ES: So. So I choked her!  What’s wrong with choking a prostitute? Where does it say that you can’t choke a prostitute?

MI:  Well –

ES: Wait a minute. I’m talking about a woman who’s a whore. I’m talking about a – a – a whore – a crooked whore  who got what was coming to her.

MI: I suppose – 

ES: Now that we got that out of the way can we talk about abortion?

MI: Sure.

ES: I’m a big supporter of female reproductive freedom, unlike the Republicans who seem to have a war on women.  And that means I get a pass on choking prostitutes.

MI: I’m not sure it works that way.

[Gloria Steinem enters] 

Free choking for pro choice activists!

GS: You leave Eliot alone!  He’s courageously pro-choice!

MI: But he does have a record of physical abuse towards women.

GS: So?  So? Eliot can choke me anytime.  Any man who supports abortion can choke me.

ES: Now you’re talking baby.  I know you want my hands around your throat you useless whore!

GS: Choke me!  Choke me!  In my humiliation is my strength!

[Spitzer grabs Steinem and starts to choke her]

ES: I want to see your face turn blue!  I want you to pass out!

GS: Choke me!  Choke me harder!  Choke me you courageous pro-abortion advocate! Oh, nice black, socks!

ES: It’s my trademark.

[Spitzer turns her over and pushes her face into the pillow as he prepares to penetrate her anus]

MI: Um.  Maybe I should leave you two alone?

ES: Yes.  Do that.  Take it all!  Take the mighty rod of client number nine!

GS: Go forth Manhattan Infidel.  Go forth and spread the word about the Republican war on women!

MI: Right.  I’ll just leave now.

GS: Gaack! 

[Steinem passes out]

ES: Bow down before my black socks!

Well that was weird.  And remember readers, it’s the Republicans who hate women.

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By Grabthor’s hammer!

On February 20, 2009 a blog called Manhattan Infidel made its debut.

It was a dangerous time. George Bush had just spent eight years expanding government power, increasing our debt and getting into foreign wars.  Now it’s 2016. Barack Obama has just spent the past seven years expanding government power, increasing our debt and getting into foreign wars.

But enough about that.  It’s time to celebrate!  Continuing a tradition I started on my first anniversary this post will be movie themed.  This year it will be the classic 1999 movie Galaxy Quest.

LSP of  Texas and the blog Lone Star Parson writes, “Congratulations on seven years Manhattan Infidel. By Grabthar’s hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be avenged!”

Thank you LSP for your promise to avenge me. The man who stole Olivia Wilde from me, Jason Sudeikis, must be punished!  And I know you are the man to do it.

PeterMC3 of New Jersey writes, “Never give up. Never surrender!”

That’s the same thing Chris Christie says on the buffet line.

Bob Agard of parts unknown and the blog Bob’s Blog writes, “You’ll forgive my impertinence, Sir, but even though we have never before met, I have always considered you as a father to me.”

Over the years I’ve grown accustomed to accolades such as this.  I thank you sir. But I’m not taking a paternity test.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “There is no replacement Beryllium Sphere on board.”

That’s a smart move. The government weighs trucks and if you had a Beryllium Sphere on board you’d be pulled over and fined.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I see you’ve managed to get your shirt off.”

Blogging requires athleticism. I keep in shape for the sake of my blog. And I like to take my shirt off.  For my fans you know.

M.B., formerly of Brooklyn, now of Los Angeles writes, “Stop sending me photos of your penis!  I’m a married woman!”

First off, what does this have to do with Galaxy Quest?  Second, those photos are very artistic.  If you can’t appreciate them then you don’t appreciate art! So stay in the cultural wasteland of L.A.! No more penis photos for you! Unless you ask me for some. As a blogger I’d be nothing without my readers. What do you mean you don’t read my blog? So why the hell am I sending you penis photos?

S.J., formerly of Manhattan now of Minneapolis, writes, “Hey guys, there’s a red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. Red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. I think we’re the green-thingy.”

I used to do a lot of LSD myself when I was going to Grateful Dead shows.  Just ride out the hallucinations and stay away from any open windows.

K.F. of Long Island writes, “Stop sending M.B. pictures of your penis!  She’s running out of space on her iPhone and she’ll have no room for my penis photos!”

Again. What the hell does this have to do with Galaxy Quest?

E.K. of Queens writes, “Sure, they’re cute now, but in a second they’re gonna get mean, and they’re gonna get ugly somehow, and there’s gonna be a million more of them..”

Interns. Yeah, I hate them too.

L.T. of Queens writes, “Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it EXPLODED? Hello?”

Are you talking about my crawl space? Because if you are the people who are up there are bad, bad people! Oh, you meant the turkey I was cooking. Um.

C.H.E. (no not the revolutionary) of Florida writes, “As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we’ll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew.”

Hippie! Targathian baby lover!

O.B. of L.A.  and Compassionate Wolf Productions writes “Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we’re gonna help Laredo guide it on the the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.”

I drive a Prius myself. For the environment. And it’s a chick magnet. So they tell me. Doesn’t seem to be working. I invited one girl into my Prius. She laughed and told me to leave her alone. Was it the Prius?  Or maybe it was because I wasn’t wearing pants?

And so it’s been seven years and 1,746 posts.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve lasted this long. How much longer can I last?  As long as their are celebrities and politicians behaving like celebrities and politicians I might be able to last another seven years.

So thanks everyone for reading this humble blog of mine. My psychiatrist said a blog would help with my anti-social tendencies. It sure has!  Why last year I left my apartment twice!

Thank you and here’s to the next seven years!

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