Why wasn’t I nominated for an Oscar? Because the white man hates me!

With the Oscars less than a week away it is my pleasure to interview the noted actor, singer, producer and humanitarian Will Smith.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Smith.  Let me just say it is a pleasure to interview you.

WS: What did you mean by that?  Are you disrespecting me?

MI: No.  I just mean it’s a pleasure to interview you.

WS: Yeah, right. It’s people like you that stopped me from being nominated for an Oscar this year.

MI: Um, I’m not a member of the Academy.

WS: I know white privilege when I see it.  Did you see “Concussion”?

MI: No I didn’t.

WS: Why?  Because it starred a black man?

MI: No.  I didn’t see it because it sucked.

WS: That’s racist!  I wasn’t nominated and this is THE civil rights issue of the day.

MI:Um. I don’t think a black man worth 250 million not being nominated for an award is a civil rights issue.

WS: My people will overcome!

MI: Newsweek once called you the “most powerful man in Hollywood.”

WS: That was eight years ago! You cannot turn back the clock on civil rights!

MI:What the hell are you talking about?  You’ve been nominated for five Golden Globes and two Oscars.

WS: If I were white I would have WON five Golden Globes and two Oscars!

MI:Whatever.

WS: This systemic racism in America makes me sad. So sad that sometimes I sit in the solid gold bathtub in one of the seven bathrooms in my 20 million dollar mansion and I cry!

MI:  I see.

WS: And when I’m finished crying in one of my seven solid gold bathtubs I get on my private jet and fly to my private island in the pacific and cry some more.

MI:Well that’s about all the time I have.

WS: Wait you haven’t asked me about my plan to solve racism in America.

MI: Okay, what is your plan.

WS: I’ll start a black Oscars.  We’ll start black everything. Black television networks. Black music award shows. Black sports leagues. A black major league baseball. A black NFL. A black NBA. A black PGA. 

MI: A black PGA.

WS: Okay maybe not a black PGA but you get the idea.  We’ll have a separate everything.  Separate. Separate but…Separate but…dammit what’s the word I’m looking for?

MI: Equal?

WS: Yes!  Separate but equal!  That’s the phrase I’m looking for.

MI: Isn’t that segregation?

WS: That’s racist!

MI: Right. I’m out of here.

Touchy fella. Ain’t he. Oh well. Remember to watch the Oscars this Sunday.

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