Cash-Strapped Vatican Opens Karaoke Bar!

Everybody gets a chance to sing!

Everybody gets a chance to sing!

Suffering from ongoing banking scandals and extreme financial embarrassment Pope Francis ordered a series of Karaoke bars to be opened throughout Vatican City in hopes of drawing in tourists.

“We were looking at ways of bringing in some emergency cash” said Vatican Secretary of State Pietro Parolin.

I had many meetings with His Holiness on this subject. Some of the options considered included condom machines throughout the Vatican – this is in keeping with Pope Francis’ opening of the Church to modern times – increasing fines for jaywalking and charging all tourists extra for luggage.  But in the end we decided upon Karaoke. Who doesn’t love Karaoke?  I’ll tell you who. Those without mercy!

Once the decision was made a Karaoke bar was opened near the Sistine Chapel as a dry run.

“It proved to be wildly popular with everyone” said a high-ranking Cardinal who spoke on condition of anonymity.

It was packed wall to wall every night with tourists and Cardinals and the money was flowing. Everyone wanted their chance at the microphone. Well almost everyone. Pope Emeritus Benedict 

Dark Star baby! Whoo hoo!  Jerry!

Dark Star baby! Whoo hoo! Jerry!

would hang back at the bar chugging beer and shouting “Dark Star! Whoo Hoo! Play Dark Star baby! The Grateful Dead rock!” Who knew he was so cool!

The Karaoke bar, tentatively called “Singing along with Bergoglio”, while for the most part successful has not been without bumps in the road.

“We had a brawl break out once” said a member of the Papal guard.

Cardinal Dolan from New York got into it with some tourists because he thought they were taking too much time at the microphone. Everyone is supposed to get only five minutes. So he started to complain to Pope Francis. Francis got annoyed at Dolan and told him not to be so attached to rules. “Es el ano de la misericordia.”  Have mercy and let people sing for as long as they want was the Pope’s message. Dolan didn’t like that and threw a pitcher of beer at the contestant. He then stormed out and threatened to start his own Karaoke bar. 

The top attraction is of course Pope Francis who has become quite known in the Vatican for his renditions of David Bowie songs.

“He comes along every afternoon on his lunch break and requests they put on Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. The entire album!” said a bartender.

I thought I’d seen everything but to see His Holiness with a microphone swaying his hips and singing Suffragette City? Well that’s something I’m going to have to tell my grandchildren about.

Despite the occasional brawls the pilot bar has proved successful beyond everyone’s wildest dreams, enabling the Vatican to get out of debt.  Six more bars will open in 2016.

In related news, Cardinal Timothy Dolan is planning on opening his own Karaoke bar in the Archdiocese of New York.

“The rules will be strictly enforced” said the Cardinal.  “Everyone only gets five minutes to sing.”


4 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    What’s next, Vatican City tittie bars? We can only pray…

  2. LSP says:

    I always thought B16 was pretty cool. Now I know.

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