Rock Stars Flock to Ithaca, New York

Give your tired, your addicted

Give your tired, your addicted, yearning to inject in freedom!

Since Ithaca, New York Mayor Svante Myrick announced that he wants to open a supervised injection facility, residents have experienced a unique and unexpected side effect: an influx of rock stars.

“I was looking out my front window and dammit if I didn’t see half the Red Hot Chili Peppers” said a resident.

I asked them if they were lost. Perhaps their tour bus broke down?  Did they have a concert in town? Instead they asked me directions for the medical center where they can shoot up.  I told them I didn’t know. Then I turned my hose on them. I don’t mind rock stars. I don’t even mind heroin addicts. But they were trampling my rose bushes. And that I cannot tolerate.

Her story is not unusual. Ithaca, normally home to 30,000 has seen an almost 25 percent increase in population since Mayor Myrick’s announcement.

“Things are at a breaking point” according to an alderman.

We’re not a big city. We don’t have that many resources to begin with. Now the homeless shelters are filled. Many with rock stars. We have rock stars sleeping on park benches. The other day I was taking the bus to work and I found myself sitting next to Russell Brand. He said he was looking forward to the heroin. He said it was such a relief to not have to worry about being busted when he uses. Steven Tyler and Eric Clapton were on the bus too.  What the hell. Now I know how the Europeans feel about all the Muslims. Frankly I’d rather have an influx of Muslims instead of the rock stars. At least the Muslims don’t keep asking me where they can shoot up.

Ithaca is served by the small Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport. According the the Airport director they have had to close down.

Within the past week we’ve had 250 private planes request to land. Where are we going to park all them? I mean the first few planes were okay. But the novelty of getting an rock star’s autograph soon wore off. Still they were very nice. I got some free tickets. Most seemed to be excited about the prospect of free heroin. Hell I’d be excited about free heroin too. But I think the city has a responsibility to give heroin only to city residents. It’s a question of heroin social justice.

Still despite the opposition Mayor Myrick has no plans to stop the heroin injection facility from opening.

Just think how many great rock stars would still be around if we only had clinics like this? Jimmy Hendrix. Sid Vicious. Jimmy McCulloch. Dee Dee Ramone. John Entwistle. What? He died of a cocaine overdose?  Well the point remains the same. All these people would be alive today! Except for Entwistle of course. Kids, avoid cocaine. Then again, I could open up a free snorting clinic. A supervised snorting clinic. Maybe next year. 


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 


Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx has been spotted in Poughkeepsie, New York.

“I just need a bus ticket to Ithaca” he said.



2 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    I’m a chocoholic waiting for Godiva to open up a free clinic in North Jersey. Lets see how Teterboro handles the incomings…

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>