Can i stay in Mexico? Italians scare me

Since his election by the College of Cardinals three years ago Pope Francis has been a polarizing figure. While many applaud him for “opening” the Church up there are those who feel he is damaging the Catholic brand. Today I am excited to land my first interview with a sitting Pope.

MI: Good afternoon your Holiness.

PF:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.  Would you like to receive my blessings?

MI:  Sure!  Thanks.

[Pope Francis puts his hands on Manhattan Infidel’s head]

PF: Lord may this blogger use his skills to defend multinational governments and the power of socialism. Amen.

MI: Um. Thanks.  I guess. Your Holiness you’ve been Pope for three years.  In that time you’d made a number of statements that have confused and alarmed the faithful such as your recent comment that Pope Paul VI approved of nuns in the Congo using contraceptives to avoid pregnancy during mass rapes.

PF: Yes, yes.  Pope Paul, a great man, gave a dispensation to nuns. 

MI: Really.  I’ve never heard of this before.

PF:Well I have access to secret Vatican archives.

MI:  Ah yes.  That must be it.  The famous secret Vatican Archives.

PF: Don’t mock the archives.  You learn a lot.  Did you know the Beatles song “I Am the Walrus”?

MI: Yes, it’s a very famous song.

PF: Turns out the walrus was Pete Best.

MI: Right.  Moving along.  You recently inserted yourself into the American Presidential race criticising Donald Trump for wanting to build a wall and saying that he is not a true Christian.

PF: Yes that is correct.  True Christians do not build walls.  Ever.

MI: But isn’t the Vatican located behind walls?

PF: Yes but that is completely different.

MI: How so?

PF:  I’m trying to keep out Italians and they are much more dangerous than Mexicans.  Seriously.  Italians scare me.

MI: I suppose that makes sense.

PF: The Godfather – that was a documentary.

MI: Okay.

PF: Cold blooded killers all of them.

MI: Right. Anyway – 

PF: I’m trying to move the Vatican.  Preferably to someplace where they only speak Spanish.  Miami Beach was my first choice. But that pretty boy –

MI: Rubio?

PF: Yeah, the robot wouldn’t approve building a wall around the new Miami Beach Vatican.

MI: Why would you need a wall around the Miami Beach Vatican?

PF: To keep the Croatians out. They are all mobbed up.  They make Italians look nonthreatening.

MI: I didn’t know that.

PF: So then I considered moving the Vatican to Scotland. But they wouldn’t pay for a wall.

MI: Why would you need a wall around the Scottish Vatican?

PF: To keep the English out of course.  Are you that ignorant of history?

MI: So where will you move the Vatican?

PF: I’ve given it much thought and I think I’ll move it to Mexico.  They speak Spanish (at least the Mexicans do. I don’t know what dialect the Indians speak). And I like the climate.  I just have to build a wall.

MI:Why?

PF: To keep the Americans out of course.

MI: I see.  Well that’s about all the time I have.

PF: Are you Italian Manhattan Infidel?

MI:  No I’m Irish.

PF: Irish? Why didn’t you say so. If it were up to me I’d build a wall around that country.

MI: To keep the English out?

PF: No. To keep the Irish in.  Aren’t you listening to me?

MI: Right. Well I’ll just be running along.

PF: According to the Vatican archives Keith Richards is immortal.

MI: Bye.

There you have it readers. My exclusive interview with the always controversial shepherd of the Catholic Church and successor to St. Peter. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go build a wall. The Pope has a point about Italians.

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