M & M Found Half Eaten with Shell Torn Off; Police Search for Culprit Whom They Suspect is a Fellow Republican!

Help me! Help me! I am in extreme pain!

Help me! Help me! I am in extreme pain!

An M & M was found unconscious in the park, his lower torso eaten off and his yellow shell cracked.

“This was the most brutal act of violent crime I have ever seen” said a detective at the scene.

It wasn’t just a mugging.  It wasn’t just a sexual assault. It was brutal. I almost lost my cookies looking at the poor guy. He was still alive and he kept mumbling, “Kill me. Please kill me.”  It’s going to take a lot of alcohol and hookers to forget this.

The yellow M & M had gone out drinking with his friends, the red and blue M & M at a bar by the park.  After a few pints they decided to split up.  The red and blue M & M decided to continue their drinking in another bar and the yellow one went into the park.

“He was always going into the park late at night” according to a friend.

He would never tell us why but we all knew.  He was meeting Republicans. He was probably just too ashamed to tell us. I think it was Republicans. He might have been looking for gay sex. Either way he could have told me. I wasn’t going to judge him. About the gay sex thing. Now being a Republican, that’s different. Polite people do not mention such aberrant behavior.

Taken to the nearest hospital the yellow M & M was placed in intensive care.

“We treated his wounds and stabilized him as best we could” said the attending doctor.

We alleviated his pain. That’s about all we can do frankly. His wounds are too severe. His cracked shell will not regenerate. He’s missing his legs and his chocolate inside is just dripping into a pile of goo. There’s not enough shell left to contain his chocolate bleeding. I hate cases like this. I know I’m a doctor and it’s my job to treat his wounds but if it’s true that he went into the park late at night to meet other Republicans then I hope he suffers and dies!

Police have vowed to increase security in the park during nighttime.

“We’ve heard about these secret Republican meeting places” said the chief of police.

And frankly incidents like what happened to the yellow M & M will continue to happen until every Republican is found and put in jail. These people disgust me. They are backward and are a threat to the state. I ask respectable, educated Democrats to turn in their fellow Republicans.

As for rumors that the yellow M & M might have been beaten by a gang of “wilding” teens, perhaps Hispanic or black, the chief of police dismissed these concerns.

To suggest that blacks or Hispanics go to the park at night to commit violent crime is racist! Only a Republican could think that.

The yellow M & M has been placed in a medical coma where his wife waits by his side.

“Why?  Why didn’t he tell me he was a Republican” she sobs over and over.

Police have vowed to root out every Republican from their hiding holes.

“Only then will this town be safe” said the chief of police.


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