Give us your tired, your tottering, your old white women

The results of the South Carolina primary are in and it’s official:  Blacks love old, tottering, white women with drinking issues. Tottering, drunken, unsteady old Hillary Clinton won 73.5 percent of the vote on Saturday including 86 percent of the black vote.

Once the results came in I started pounding the phones and calling registered voters in South Carolina to get my own, informal exit poll  yawned, and changed the channel to BBC America to watch a Doctor Who rerun.

But because my commitment to the truth sleeping knows no bounds I have compiled my own exit poll.  My exit poll is scientifically accurate with a projected +/- 95 percent variable. And the +/- 95 percent variable is of course variable by +/- 238 percent.

With whites who voted for Hillary the breakdown is as such:

• 82 percent of self-identified whites voted for Hillary because as an old, tottering, unsteady drunk she is still the better alternative to Bernie Sanders who is also old, tottering and unsteady but rumored to have no drinking problem.
• 14 percent of self-identified whites voted for Hillary after disappointingly finding that Donald Trump was running as a Republican.
• Three percent of self-identified whites voted for Hillary because they are dead and a good Democrat does not let party loyalty end at the grave.
• One percent of self-identified whites voted for Hillary because of a sexual fetish rumored to involved Hillary, another woman and one cup.

The breakdown for blacks is slightly different (Again I must stress that my scientific exit poll is bullshit has a degree of accuracy of +/- 95 percent.

• 57 percent of those self-identifying as black voted for Hillary because she wasn’t Jewish.  “I don’t mind pulling the lever for a white massa.  But not a Jewish white massa” was a frequent comment.
• 44 percent of self-identified blacks voted for Hillary because she is the wife of the first self-identified black president, Bill Clinton.
• 128 percent of self-identified blacks voted for Hillary because they feel she is the most qualified to heal our fractured race relations.  Also, she is an old, tottering alcoholic.
• 19 percent of self-identified blacks voted for Hillary because of a rumor that she is actually Superwoman in disguise. Also, she is an old, tottering alcoholic.
• 21 percent of self-identified blacks who voted for Hillary are actually confused white people and as such their votes were not counted.
• 43 percent of self-identified blacks voted for Hillary because she wasn’t Jewish. What?  I already included that? But this is going to mess up my math!

The breakdown for Hispanics follows:

• 100 percent of self-identified Hispanics…..oh who cares. They’re Hispanic.

So there you have it:  The official scientific results of Manhattan Infidel’s first exit poll.  We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ pride ourselves on our unbiased election coverage.  In that way we are much like MSNBC.

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