Obama calls himself a socialist? He’s no socialist! I am the true socialist!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing socialist icon and supreme leader of Cuba Fidel Castro. Fidel does not often sit down for interviews with American media. If memory serves me correct he has only been interviewed by Jack Paar and Barbara Walters. I consider it an honor that he chose me.

MI: Good afternoon President Castro.

FC: Please, I have stepped down.  My younger brother Raul is now President.

MI: My mistake. Let’s talk about US-Cuban relations.  President Obama recently visited Cuba to usher in a new era of openness between our two countries. You must have been moved by this.

FC: Moved? Why? Obama is a monkey!

MI: Excuse me? That could be construed as racist.

FC:  Oh please. Do you think I like Negroes any more than Che did?

MI:  Touché.  But back to Obama.

FC:  That man is a fraud. He calls himself a socialist?

MI: Well he is part of the leftist branch of the political spectrum.

FC: He’s no socialist. I’m the true socialist. Has Obama ever had his enemies put in jail?

MI: Well there was that one guy who made a YouTube movie about the prophet Mohammed. He was put in jail when our Libyan ambassador was killed. To take the heat off the administration.

FC: Oh. Hmm.  Well that’s a respectable start. Still has Obama killed any of his enemies?

MI: Actually yes. Recently ranchers in Oregon held a standoff to protest federal land-management policies. One of the protestors, Lavoy Finicum was shot by Oregon state troopers. The names of the officers who shot him have not been revealed. State officials refuse to release the autopsy results. His pick up truck or pictures of it have not been released.

FC: Day-yamn!  I guess I owe the boy an apology. He is a true socialist.

MI: And thanks to the affordable care act we now have socialist medicine.

FC: Well that’s going a bit too far. Socialized medicine will never work.

MI: But in all other aspects?

FC: Jailing and killing political opponents? He is a socialist. One of us.

MI: I thought so.

FC: Hey as long as I have you here how do you think the New York Giants are going to do this year?  Do you think they have a chance to win the National League pennant?

MI: Um, the Giants moved to San Francisco 60 years ago.

FC: Day-yamn!  What about the Boston Braves?

MI: They are in Atlanta now.

FC: Day-yamn! Okay well I have one more question.  Why are all the college kids in America wearing Che T shirts?

MI: Che is very sexy.

FC: So am I!  I’m sexy!  I’m goddamn sexy! 

Sexy!

I’m a sexy beast. I have a Liam Neeson thing going on, don’t you think? Why aren’t they wearing T shirts with my image?

MI: I don’t know. Well that’s about all the time I have.

FC: What? What do you mean you’re leaving? 

MI: I have to go.

FC: I don’t know who you are.

MI:  I’m Manhattan Infidel.

FC: I don’t know what you want.

MI: Um. To get out of here?

FC: If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stay here, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

MI: F*cking socialist.

FC: F*cking media!

And so ended my interview with the charismatic and sexy, albeit not as sexy as Che, Cuban revolutionary.

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I’m only looking out for my subjects!

King Andrew of New York once again showed his benevolence towards his subjects by issuing an order banning any travel to the backward state of North Carolina.

“What I do I do with no pleasure but out of a sense of duty” said the ruggedly handsome, virile God.

Here in New York State we believe that men with penises have the right to use a woman’s restroom. This backward, hate-filled state of North Carolina has just passed a law stating that people must use the rest room of the sex that is on their birth certificate.  I ask you what sort of state passes laws as illogical as that? I thought that in the 21st Century we had gone beyond male and female sexual identity. There are more than two sexes. And in New York self-identified women of any gender can use the ladies room. Now I’ve never tried to pee sitting down. I imagine there would be some anxiety about bending and breakage but thanks to the Affordable Care Act all transgendered can now have surgery paid by the rich if that happens.

The reaction to King Andrew’s order has solidified his standing as a front runner to get the 2016 Democratic nomination.

“This created unstoppable momentum for him” said DNC chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

The Democratic Party has always stood for one thing:  Equal opportunity for all. Except when we were having the Klan lynch blacks. But that’s in the past. And as the party of equal opportunity we believe every person who self-identifies as a woman should have the right to use a woman’s rest room. It will teach young pre-teen girls not to be afraid of men with penises who are wearing woman’s clothing. Biology is a beautiful thing.

With the possibility that the neither Hillary Clinton nor Bernie Sanders might have enough delegates, a brokered convention might result in King Andrew getting the nomination.

Let’s face it.  Hillary will probably be indicted and no real Democrat likes socialism. Sure we cry “socialism socialism socialism” for the college kids but we are all fat, crony capitalists. Um, I probably shouldn’t have said that. But anyway if Andrew does get the nomination all Democrats would be comfortable with that. Men. Women. Women with penises. Men who self-identify as women. We will all get behind him and campaign for him. And I’m not just saying that because I’m scared of him. He totally did not threaten to make me sleep with the fishes.

Wishing to be pro-active the DNC has released possible slogans for Cuomo’s run for President:

• Let’s free ourselves of bathroom and gender tyranny!
• Pointing upward to an erect future!
• I am a woman with a penis and I vote!

If Cuomo is nominated he promises to be the President of “All of America.”

“Except for North Carolina of course.  I’m gonna send Luca Brasi to make them an offer than can’t refuse.”

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Why Donald Trump? Why?

Once again as Europe deals with another terrorist attack NOT perpetrated by the Religion of Peace™ I have decided to compile a list for Europeans who may be reading this blog on how they can overcome their feelings of powerlessness and despair.

And so in keeping with Manhattan Infidel’s mission statement to protect the weak and hit the bars as soon as they open I now present 12 Steps for Overcoming Terrorist Grief.

Step One

Admit that you are powerless to stop this terrorism that was definitely NOT caused by the Religion of Peace™.  Your decadent western lives have become unmanageable.

Step Two

Come to believe that a power greater than you (Perhaps the European Union or Allah) will restore you to sanity.

Step Three

Make a decision to turn your will and your lives over to the benevolent socialist European state as you understand it. I mean sure hundreds of thousands of Muslims are pouring over the border but that’s not a cause for concern. The State knows what is best for you.

Step Four

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.  Realize you are decadent and your decadent lifestyle enrages the Religion of Peace™. In other words, it’s your fault.

Step Five

Admit to the State, to yourselves and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. You filthy decadent westerner.

Step Six

Make yourself ready to have the State remove all these defect of character. And by defects of character I mean thinking incorrect thoughts the State would not approve us. Oh, and you’re still a filthy, decadent westerner.  Have you read the Koran?

Step Seven

Humbly ask the State to remove your shortcomings. And by shortcomings I mean not believing the State when they say the massive influx of immigration by the Religion of Peace™ is not a cause for concern.

Step Eight

Make a list of all persons you have harmed with your anti-immigrant thoughts and become willing to make amends by giving more cash to the State.

Step Nine

Make direct amends to immigrants from the Religion of Peace™ whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them with your blatant Islamophobia.

Step Ten

Continue to make a personal inventory of your anti-immigrant thoughts and when you find you have been wrong, admit it to an authorized, State-sponsored Truth and Reconciliation committee.

Step Eleven

Seek through prayer and meditation (with a Koran in your hand) to improve your conscious contact with Allah as you understand him, praying only for knowledge of Allah’s will for you and the power to carry that out. (Which would not include suicide bombing obviously since Muslims don’t do that. Religion of Peace™ you know.)

Step Twelve

Having had a secular humanist, socialist awakening as the result of these steps, carry this message to Europeans and continue confessing anti-immigrant thoughts and deeds to State-sponsored Truth and Reconciliation committees.

See. That was’t too hard. Now get to it you filthy, decadent Europeans!

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Why Donald Trump? Why?

A series of coordinated explosions rocked Brussels today killing 30 and injuring at least 100.  As first responders sifted through wreckage looking for survivors attention was focused on the likely perpetrators.  In the immediate aftermath Donald Trump as emerged as a prime suspect.

In Cuba, where he was meeting with Raul Castro, President Obama strongly condemned Trump.

This is what happens when hate is allowed free reign. While there is as yet no evidence that Donald Trump, his followers or the Republican party are responsible for this I have ordered the arrest of Mr. Trump for his own safety. I have also ordered the FBI to investigate the financial transactions of Trump and his election committee. We must stop attacks like this from happening. Also it must be noted that Trump has allies in the so-called “Tea Party” movement. These teabaggers will be rounded up and placed behind bars. For their own protection. Because when a righteous progressive nation rises up against hatred these people will not be safe. I just want to prevent further bloodshed.

From Rome, his Holiness Pope Francis blamed the attacks on climate change and capitalism.

This is a tragic event and I will pray for all those who lost their lives. With Easter just five days away we must remember that all human life is sacred. Though obviously pharisees and other right wingers throughout Europe and in America are less sacred than progressive life. Why did these attacks happen? Unfettered capitalism that has lowered the standard of living throughout the world. Yes, I’m talking about Donald Trump and his racist followers. They have an irrational hatred of all peoples of color. Belgium is home to many Muslims. This is why they attacked.  Also in keeping with my last encyclical I blame climate change.  Because of climate change sea levels are rising and many in Belgium have had to move inland to Brussels.

Throughout the United States, SWAT teams mobilized to raid Tea Party headquarters.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson told reporters that he is “prepared  and on high alert.”

The images coming in from Brussels sicken me. When I saw the horror and the chaos and the bloodshed I said “I have to arrest someone!” So accordingly everyone who has contributed to a Tea Party organization will have their doors kicked down at 3 am, concussion grenades thrown in and they will be taken away. For their own benefit. To prevent further bloodshed. The Constitution gives me the right to do this.

Before departing Cuba, President Obama closed his press conference with the following remarks.

There are those who will try to blame Muslims for this latest act of terror. This is wrong. We must not let the hatemongers win. We must not let people like Donald Trump win. That is why I am issuing a special executive order that will allow Muslims from around the middle east to migrate to America. We need their special talents. Today more than ever. Indeed Islam and the United States go back to the founding fathers. They all had Korans. It is time we rediscovered their love of Islam and this special religion.

President Obama also ordered the suspension of Habeas for the duration of the emergency.

“Lincoln did it to save the country. And so will I.”

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We at Ye Olde New York Times Salute Jeremiah and his brave stand against climate change

Dateline 600 B.C.E Ye Olde New York Times

We here at Ye Olde New York Times have been following the career of controversial “prophet’“Jeremiah for some time.  We have been displeased with his anti-gay marriage stand as well as his obsession with private, sexual sins.

His repeated calls for repentance from the people of Judah have been a stain on public discourse and his intemperate language has led to fears of possible violence by his followers.

However recently Jeremiah has begun speaking about climate change.  We at Ye Olde New York Times support him on this.  We’d like to take this opportunity to print a part from from one of his recent speeches:

Judah mourns,
    her cities languish;
they wail for the land,
    and a cry goes up from Jerusalem.
 The nobles send their servants for water;
    they go to the cisterns
    but find no water.
They return with their jars unfilled;
    dismayed and despairing,
    they cover their heads.
 The ground is cracked
    because there is no rain in the land

Surely we have never read a better lamentation about the troubled climate conditions in Judah today!

The science is settled on this.  The climate is changing for the worse in Judah.  We’ve experienced some of the hottest years on record. Obviously the cause is human activity.

The population of Judah has expanded beyond the land’s capacity. Chariots crisscross the land. And who knows how much they contribute to warmer temperatures.

We at Ye Olde New York Times call for action to stop the increasing threat of climate change and call upon the Prophet Jeremiah to lend his moral weight to the anti-climate change crusade.

Imagine the climate benefits that could accrue to our land if Jeremiah would stop preaching about personal sexual sins and instead concentrate on preaching about the biggest sin today: global warming.

We call upon Jeremiah to tour the land with his new message of climate containment.

Perhaps all the religious leaders of our land will follow Jeremiah’s example and liberalize their message.

A united  religious-government front is the only way to end the sin of climate change.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times ask Jeremiah to go further. Perhaps he can ask the people to give more taxes to the government?  (As this is the only way we at the editorial board of Ye Olde New York Times see to raise the money to end climate change.)

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New York Times

Subscribe ye now and get 20 articles a month for free!

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I am suspending my campaign to lose the nomination

It was another interesting Tuesday in the Presidential race of 2016.  So tonight I’d like to welcome to my blog the distinguished junior senator from Florida, Marco Rubio.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Rubio.

MR: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: It’s a pleasure to have you here.  Many of my readers are political junkies and I understand that you have a political announcement that you would like to share with my readers.

MR: That is correct.  I am announcing that I am suspending my campaign for President.

MI: What?

MR:  I am suspending my campaign for President of the United States.

MI: Wait.  You were running for President?

MR: Um. Yes.

MI: Did you win any primaries?  Delegates?

MR: Um.  No.

MI: Oh.  So what’s next for Marco Rubio?

MR:Well for starters I will continue to serve the people of the state of Florida – 

[Lucille Ball enters] 

RIcky please let me sing at the club!

LB: Ricky please let me sing at the club!

MR:  I think you have me confused with another Hispanic.

LB: Ricky!  Ricky!  Why can’t I go down to the club with you?

MR:  Lady for the last time you have me confused with someone else.

LB:  Ricky!

MR: Dammit Lucy you have some ‘splaining to do!

[Lucille Ball leaves]

MI: Well that was odd.

MR:  Tell me about it. She’s been following me around.  Do we all look alike to you?

MI: Yeah.

MR: Oh.  That’s good to  – 

[John Kasich enters] 

People dislike me because of my principles. What?

JK: Manhattan Infidel don’t talk to Ted Cruz!

MR: I’m Marco dammit!

JK: Oh, well you all look alike to me.

MR: So I’ve heard.

JK: Manhattan Infidel why doesn’t anyone like me?

MI: Probably because you’re an asshole?

JK: Really? Is that true Ted?

MR: It’s Marco dammit and yes it’s true.  You are an asshole.

JK: I thought it was because of my principled political positions.

[Manhattan Infidel and Marco Rubio start laughing]

JK: Well it was worth a try.

[Kasich leaves]

MI: Thank you for meeting with me Marco that’s about all the time I have.

[Ted Cruz enters] 

Don’t talk to Ricky!

TC: Manhattan Infidel don’t talk to Ricky Ricardo!

MR:  Dammit I’m Marco!  Marco!  Marco!

TC and MI: Polo!

MR:  Ah the hell with it.  I’m out of here.

[Marco Rubio leaves] 

TC: Where did Ricky go?

MI: I don’t know.  I think he went to stop Lucy from singing down at the club.

TC:  Good for him. Women should not sing at club.

[Mark Sanchez enters] 

Anybody need a quarterback?

MS: Hey any of you guys need a quarterback?

MI and TC: Go away Ricky!

MS:  That does it I’m going down to the club.

And so ended my bizarre interview with Ted Cruz, John Kasich and two people who may have been Ricky Ricardo.

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