Do you know Linux? No? get the hell out of my office!

It’s Monday at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel­™ which means that after a weekend vomiting in alleys it is time to get back to work. If I had a job. And so I now present your horoscope.  May it comfort you while you are sending out resumes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you want to run your own race take control. So do it. March right into your supervisor’s office, demand  a raise and tell him you want to be in charge of that new project. Time management is the key to your success now seeing as you’ll have plenty of free time once your boss fires you. I mean seriously?  Who told you to “march into your supervisor’s office” anyway? I did? And you listened to me? #Piscesarestupid.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A project can be a success. Particularly that new project that your Pisces former colleague asked to be in charge of. But after taking charge of the project you will realize you are over your head and start drinking heavily. But that’s not why you will be fired. Those selfies you sent the intern and your constant invitations to do it on your desk will be the reason you are out of a job. But hey, who can blame you. This project has you stressed out and when you’re stressed you drink and when your drink you want sex. Sometimes consensual.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Be positive. A new beginning can change everything. Perhaps that new project you were put in charge of will be just the fresh start you want. Or maybe not. Linux? Powershell scripting? What the hell is that? You begin to panic when you realize you are in over your head. You take your clothes off in your office and send out invites to the entire company to “watch.” Within minutes you are escorted out of the building. You will be run over by a cab. Your insurance will be cancelled while you are in the hospital.  Nothing personal but finance ran a powershell script and realized how much money they’d save by not paying your insurance.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Be social in the office and it will put you in touch with people who have influence. Perhaps people who have influence in choosing who is in charge of that new project. And since you’ve never taken your clothes off in your office or sent an intern a picture of your penis you just might get the job! That is until you call the I.T. department about a problem with your desktop and they notice your browsing history. Midgets dressed as nurses riding ponies and using sex toys?  Come on!  What sort of sick person are you? You are not the person for that new project!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Before you take on that new project, tie up loose ends. And by loose ends I don’t mean the hookers in your crawl space. Though they should already be tied up.  To reduce the chance that they might escape and go to the police. Because having the police come to your office and handcuff you might adversely affect your chances of getting that new project.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Review your career goals to stay on course. Okay so I’m just making that part up. You’re a Leo. You’ve never had a job in your life and live in your parents basement. But on the bright side that would give you plenty of time to devote to that new project. On the downside: You’re a Leo who lives in your parents basement. And stop touching yourself! At least put a towel over your privates!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

When you work with people you admire and respect anything is possible. You might even be put in charge of that new project. But remember, they have to admire and respect you in return. That can be difficult when you come in every Monday morning telling your coworkers about your fetish for sleazy back alley sex.  Pro tip: “Herpes isn’t the end of the world” might not be the best Outlook signature. You should change it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Use your contacts to get ahead. But don’t abuse their prominent positions. It’s all about promoting oneself without being annoying or seeming desperate. Only by doing this will you be placed in charge of that new project. And speaking of prominent positions telling everyone that your hobbies include “rusty trombones” might not be a good thing to do.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A discussion can change everything but be careful of moving too fast. What? I was talking about that new project not your secretary. And try not to impregnate this one. Alright?  And no you can’t list “impregnating secretary” as an accomplishment on your year-end evaluation.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t give up on something you believe in. And you believe you’d be the best person to be put in charge of that new project. Of course you also believed you’d be the best person to have sex with that blonde down at the end of the bar. And how did that work out? Not only was she a he but he was a undercover police officer. And no you can’t list “built a resistance to mace” as an accomplishment on your year-end evaluation.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Of all the astrological signs yours is the most sick and depraved. Go back to the alleyway where you spend most of your weekends in a meth-fueled rage, soiling your pants and vomiting in garbage cans. And no I don’t care if you have Powershell or Linux experience. You’re not getting put in charge of that new project. And no, you can’t list “meth-fueled rage” on your year-end evaluation and claim it shows you have a take-charge attitude.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Don’t take anyone or anything for granted. Sure you thought you had an inside shot at being placed in charge of that new project but that was before Gawker released your sex tape online. I’ve seen plenty of bizarre sex tapes in my time but who uses “Wink Martindale” as a safe word?

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