Me do anything, me mean anything, for cookies!

Famous television personality The Cookie Monster will no longer be eating any any cookies.

“Cookie Monster hit rock bottom”  he said in a statement released by his manager.

Cookie Monster do anything for cookies. Me do anything. Cookie Monster suffer from insatiable cookie appetite. Cookie monster do stupid things to satisfy craving. Illegal things. Things Cookie Monster not proud of. Cookie Monster must stop!

The Cookie Monster also said in his statement that he will be leaving Sesame Street.

Cookie Monster make difficult decision.  Cookie Monster love Sesame Street, Bert, Ernie, Big Bird. But Sesame Street is an enabler. Sesame Street look other way as Cookie Monster spiral downhill. Cookie Monster blame Kermit.

Once a rising star on Sesame Street who partied with rock stars and dated models, the Cookie Monster has watched his life disintegrate in front of him because of his addiction to cookies.

“With some men it’s cocaine. Some meth. Others get addicted to underage girls” said an employee at Sesame Street.

Hell we all have our addictions. With the Monster it was cookies. I left some out one day as a snack and he ate them all. He must have been cookie drunk because he couldn’t continue work that day. I had to drive him home. We all thought it was funny. But the next day he asked me for more cookies. I gave him a big pile. I didn’t think anything of it. He started slipping me money to get him cookies. Then one day I forgot to put out a supply of cookies and he called me a “motherf*cker” and lunged at me. Some stagehands had to separate us. I was reassigned to another show shortly after that.

Rumor has it that the unidentified employee was reassigned on orders from Kermit the Frog who didn’t want a scandal and wanted to keep the Cookie Monster happy.

“Kermit was very aware of the bottom line” said a source.

He wanted ratings and the Cookie Monster brought in ratings. So he told us to keep him supplied with cookies, no matter the consequences. He didn’t care about the well being of the Cookie Monster. Not at all. Typical boss prick.

And consequences there were. His diet now consisting only of starchy, high-sugar content cookies, the Monster began to suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and urgent diarrhea, often leading to messy accidents on the set.

“One time he shit all over Tony Bennett. Tony was furious and tried to charge us for cleaning his toupee” said a stagehand.

As he spiraled further into addiction the cookies regularly supplied by Sesame Street weren’t enough and he began to offer himself for cash to pay for cookies.

“One Monday I made the mistake of asking him how his weekend was” said Big Bird.

He said, “Oh the usual. I’ve been sucking c*ck in back alleys for cash.” I was taken aback at first. Not by his activity but the the fact that this is Hollywood and there are plenty of people who could have supplied him with boys if he wanted. He said “No you don’t understand I’m using the cash to buy cookies.”  I backed away. Junkies are just sad. We never spoke much after that.

Depressed, friendless and suffering from increased bouts of urgent diarrhea the Cookie Monster finally decided to leave Sesame Street, turn over a new leaf and overcome his addiction.

Kermit the Frog released a statement praising “his friend” for his courage.

I’ve known the Cookie Monster for years. Professionally we have a very advantageous partnership and personally I consider him a friend. I am pledged to help him in anyway he needs as he moves on to the next stage in his life and I wish him success. He will be welcome back on Sesame Street anytime.

Privately however Kermit is less than happy.

“This is how the son of a bitch stabs me in the back after all the money I gave him to blow me!”

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