Obama calls himself a socialist? He’s no socialist! I am the true socialist!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing socialist icon and supreme leader of Cuba Fidel Castro. Fidel does not often sit down for interviews with American media. If memory serves me correct he has only been interviewed by Jack Paar and Barbara Walters. I consider it an honor that he chose me.

MI: Good afternoon President Castro.

FC: Please, I have stepped down.  My younger brother Raul is now President.

MI: My mistake. Let’s talk about US-Cuban relations.  President Obama recently visited Cuba to usher in a new era of openness between our two countries. You must have been moved by this.

FC: Moved? Why? Obama is a monkey!

MI: Excuse me? That could be construed as racist.

FC:  Oh please. Do you think I like Negroes any more than Che did?

MI:  Touché.  But back to Obama.

FC:  That man is a fraud. He calls himself a socialist?

MI: Well he is part of the leftist branch of the political spectrum.

FC: He’s no socialist. I’m the true socialist. Has Obama ever had his enemies put in jail?

MI: Well there was that one guy who made a YouTube movie about the prophet Mohammed. He was put in jail when our Libyan ambassador was killed. To take the heat off the administration.

FC: Oh. Hmm.  Well that’s a respectable start. Still has Obama killed any of his enemies?

MI: Actually yes. Recently ranchers in Oregon held a standoff to protest federal land-management policies. One of the protestors, Lavoy Finicum was shot by Oregon state troopers. The names of the officers who shot him have not been revealed. State officials refuse to release the autopsy results. His pick up truck or pictures of it have not been released.

FC: Day-yamn!  I guess I owe the boy an apology. He is a true socialist.

MI: And thanks to the affordable care act we now have socialist medicine.

FC: Well that’s going a bit too far. Socialized medicine will never work.

MI: But in all other aspects?

FC: Jailing and killing political opponents? He is a socialist. One of us.

MI: I thought so.

FC: Hey as long as I have you here how do you think the New York Giants are going to do this year?  Do you think they have a chance to win the National League pennant?

MI: Um, the Giants moved to San Francisco 60 years ago.

FC: Day-yamn!  What about the Boston Braves?

MI: They are in Atlanta now.

FC: Day-yamn! Okay well I have one more question.  Why are all the college kids in America wearing Che T shirts?

MI: Che is very sexy.

FC: So am I!  I’m sexy!  I’m goddamn sexy! 

Sexy!

I’m a sexy beast. I have a Liam Neeson thing going on, don’t you think? Why aren’t they wearing T shirts with my image?

MI: I don’t know. Well that’s about all the time I have.

FC: What? What do you mean you’re leaving? 

MI: I have to go.

FC: I don’t know who you are.

MI:  I’m Manhattan Infidel.

FC: I don’t know what you want.

MI: Um. To get out of here?

FC: If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stay here, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

MI: F*cking socialist.

FC: F*cking media!

And so ended my interview with the charismatic and sexy, albeit not as sexy as Che, Cuban revolutionary.

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