TOUCH ME!

Anyone who was around in the 1970s remembers the story of Captain and Tennille. They were the perfect Hollywood couple.  But behind the scenes all was not well.  Ms. Tennille has been gracious enough to sit down with me to discuss her life.

MI: Good afternoon Ms. Tennille and thank you for being here.  You divorced your husband of 39 years in 2014 and now you’ve decided to talk about it. 

TT: Yes.  I want to be honest about my living hell.

MI: Okay you say living hell.  How bad was your relationship with your husband?

TT: It was loveless.  My husband had a fear of intimacy.  Whenever I tried to hug him he would pull away. I was always looking for something he couldn’t give. I’m a 75 year old woman. I have physical needs!

MI: I guess.

TT: Touch me!

MI: What?

TT: Touch me!  Touch me now!

[She grabs Manhattan Infidel’s hands and places the on her breasts]

TT: Feel me.

MI: Whoa. Whoa.  Whoa lady. Inappropriate. You’re old enough to be in the Rolling Stones.

TT: I’m sorry.  It’s just that it’s been so long since someone touched me.

MI: Join the club.  I’m a blogger lady. I spend my Saturday nights cleaning the grout in my bathroom.

TT: Then you know what’s it’s like to live a loveless existence.  Please, can’t you touch me?  Close your eyes and touch me. Imagine me as I was in the 1970s. 

TOUCH THIS!!!

MI: I’m sorry but that wouldn’t be appropriate.

TT: I understand. Do you remember our song “Muskrat Love”?

MI: Of course I do. That was one of your biggest hits.

TT:  Would you like to meet my muskrats?

MI: You keep muskrats?

TT: Yes.  [pause] An army of them. [pause] They do my bidding.

MI: They do your bidding?

TT: Yes. And they punish my enemies. Since you have decided not to touch me you are now my enemy. MUSKRATS ATTACK!

[Muskrats surround Manhattan Infidel] 

We do Ms. Tennille’s bidding.

MI: What the hell!

[The muskrats succeed in bringing Manhattan Infidel down and climb on top of him]

MI: Help! Somebody help me!

[Toni Tennille begins to sing. As she sings the muskrats become organized and finish off their attack on Manhattan Infidel]

TT:  Muskrat, muskrat candlelight/Doin’ the town and doin’ it right/In the evenin/It’s pretty pleasin’/Muskrat Susie, muskrat Sam/Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land/And they shimmy/And Sammy’s so skinny/And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed/Singin’ and jinglin’ the jango/Floatin’ like the heavens above/It looks like muskrat love/Nibblin’ on bacon, Chewin’ on cheese/Sammy says to Susie/”Honey would you please be my missus?”/And she says yes/With her kisses

MI: Help me!  I have muskrats on my back!  Wait. What are they doing?  Get out of there!  Get out of that orifice!  Help!  Help!

TT: One word from me and they stop. But since you didn’t want to touch me I’ll just let them finish you off.

MI: No wait. I’m sorry.  Help!

Maybe I should have closed my eyes and touched Toni Tennille.

Touch this!

It couldn’t have been that bad.  In any event I’ll never be able to look at this video the same way again.

or this either.

(198)

Where the hell are my soy milk, green tea and energy supplements?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the most successful recording artists of all time: The People’s Boss, Bruce Springsteen himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Springsteen. I’ve been a fan of yours for years. You really represent the hopes and dreams of the working man. May I call you Bruce?

BS: No. You may call me Mr. Springsteen.

MI: Um. Okay. Let’s talk about your career.

BS: Wait. I’m not talking to no one.  

MI: Why? What’s wrong?

BS: Didn’t you get my interview rider? This place is not stocked with items I specifically asked for.

MI: Interview rider?

BS: Yes. Before I talk to you I must have one couch, two matching chairs and I must stress matching, two banquet tables, one five foot round table for dinner, one coffee table, two side tables, two table lamps, one standing lamp with bulbs, two large floor plants and two table plants.

MI: That’s a lot of tables. Perhaps they should call you the Table Setter not The Boss.

BS: I fail to see the humor in not having my needs met, boy.  I’m Bruce Springsteen dammit!  When I demand something I expect my needs to be met!

MI: Right, well this is a blog.  I don’t have the budget to give you all that. Now –

BS: I haven’t finished giving you my list of demands.  I also need you to do my dry cleaning

MI: Dry cleaning?

BS: Yes. I also will need 120 towels and 12 bars of soap.

MI: What the hell for? This is just a quick interview.

BS: Don’t interrupt me boy.  The towels must be white, bath-sized and pre-washed. No unwashed towels.

MI: Um.

BS: All food and beverages are required to be top quality and should be served in the most appetizing manner possible. Table cloths and napkins should be linen, utensils should be metal and plates and cups stoneware.

MI: What the hell are you talking about?

BS: Shut up. Do you want to interview me? Then snap snap.  Get to it.

MI: No. Come on Bruce.

BS: Mr. Springsteen!  Now I’ll also need a cheese board that must include bleu cheese.

MI: I can see why you are called the Boss.

BS:  Silence serf.  I also need one case of Poland Spring water and clean ice suitable for drinking.

MI: I can’t supply any of that. Do you really need all this?

BS: Yes. It helps me write songs about the pain of the working man. Every time I eat from a cheese board, with bleu cheese of course, or eat finger food I do it for the working man. I eat finger food because they can’t. I eat from a cheese board to empower the people who cannot empower themselves. Oh, I almost forgot.  I’ll also need at least four magazines, including Vogue, Cosmo, People and Elle.

MI: Look I can’t do any of that.  Now let me ask you a question. You recently cancelled your concert in North Carolina to protest their bathroom laws.

BS: Yes. I am taking a stand for civil rights and against those who are trying to turn back the clock on human rights.

MI: Okay let me close this interview with one question. Would you want a man following your daughter into a ladies room?

BS: In theory no. But my daughter would never be in danger.

MI: Why is that?

BS: She has armed private security guards hired by me who go with her everywhere. You have to be careful.

MI: Of course. Well that’s about all the time we have.

BS: Wait, where’s my bucket of Beluga caviar?

MI: Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the Boss. For your extra added benefit please enjoy Bruce Springsteen’s tour rider:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/file/bruce-springsteen

(21)

America is a racist country!

Since the passage of the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965 America has seen its demographic makeup change dramatically. Not only has the Hispanic population increased dramatically but one important group of immigrants often go unnoticed:  Those from the Klingon Homeworld.

“I came to America the same reason everyone comes to America” said one Klingon.

To vote Democrat and get free stuff. But this country is inherently racist. I found that I was not welcome and that my ways, my culture, my traditions were ridiculed by the white man.

He then went on to relate a specific instance where he was discriminated against.

I was in the middle of our traditional Klingon mating ritual. What you humans would probably call assault and battery.  I and my mate had just finished sniffing each other. I had gripped her right hand hard enough to cause bleeding.  Again, as is traditional.  Then we started mating. Several bones were broken during our lovemaking. Again, as is normal. Well somebody called the cops. Apparently one of my nosy neighbors thought I was assaulting her and I was arrested.  Fortunately I had a good lawyer and he played the race card to get me off.  “Aren’t there already too many Klingons in jail” I remember him telling the jury.

Indeed traditional Klingon courtship was such a shock to Americans that many college campuses created “safe zones” where women could go to recover after hearing of such rituals. Congress even at one point created a special subcommittee to investigate the “Klingon rape culture.”  It was only after intervention by Democrats that the committee was terminated.

“It was all politics” said a Democratic congressman.

Republicans used the war on woman to create another war against Klingons. That’s just very typical of that racist party. Naturally Klingons in my district were very grateful that the hearings were ended and overwhelmingly voted for me in the next election. I rewarded their loyalty by getting many of them government jobs.

Another area that Klingons had difficulty with was adjusting to the western diet of the white man.

“When I came to America I was in good shape” said another Klingon.

I had fought wars.  I fought other clans for dominance. It was tough and blood was shed.  I was an honored warrior.  Then I came to America. I started eating American food. My god you Americans have large portions. Now I am 80 pounds overweight and my doctor says I have advanced atherosclerosis. Today is a good day to die?  Well yeah, but we don’t mean that literally! I’m on a diet now and my doctor has me on an exercise program. It’s humiliating for a former proud warrior to have to spend 20 minutes a day on a treadmill. I miss the homeworld and wish I could go back.

Many believe that there are too many Klingons in America and that immigration laws should be enforced compassionately.

“When Klingons come to America it is an act of love” said former Presidential candidate Jeb Bush.

We shouldn’t restrict them but give them a path to citizenship. And I’m not just saying that because my wife is a Klingon. Klingons are valued members of this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day we had a Klingon president.

But one thing is certain: America’s immigration system is broken and Klingons are arriving in great numbers through our porous borders, leading to misunderstanding and discrimination.

“I hate them” said a farmer from Inland California.  “Klingons can’t drive for shit.”

(13)

My bathroom needs are not being fulfilled

Hoping to attract business with its progressive policies, the City of Gotham today announced that it has passed a Catwoman Accomodation Act, the first of its kind in the entire country.

Under the terms of the new act all public bathrooms in Gotham City must be unigender, with access provided for men and women. Also, all bathrooms must contain a kitty litter box in case Catwoman decides to use the facilities.

“Tourism brings in a lot of money” said the president of Gotham’s City Council.

Though why anyone would want to visit Gotham is beyond me.  It’s dark and it’s always raining.  It’s like living in Seattle but without a professional sports team. But back to what I was saying, everyone knows who Catwoman is.  She’s probably one of the most well-known woman in America right up there with Caitlyn Jenner. Catwoman has threatened to leave Gotham and go to another city if her bathroom needs are not met. This would be bad for business.

Businesses throughout Gotham for the most part seem willing to comply with the law.

“If it puts fannies in the seats at my restaurant then I’ll support it” said one business owner.

Catwoman is to Gotham what Princess Kate is to England. People come to see her. You do what you have to do to survive. There will be some upfront costs of course but all the bathroom in my restaurant are unigender and have kitty litter boxes now. It’s the progressive thing to do.

Indeed many businesses have seen the writing on the wall and already have kitty litter boxes in their bathrooms.

“As a businessman being on anyone’s bad side is bad for me” said the owner of a B&B in Gotham.

I actually had Catwoman stay with me once. At first she was pleasant.  Until she went to the bathroom. When she came out she hissed at me, scratched me, jumped onto my laptop and peed on it. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Catwoman does not pee like other woman. I need a litter box!” Once I had stopped bleeding I put in a litter box.  She was much nicer to me after that.

President Obama has praised Gotham and cites their action as an example of the tolerant country he is trying to transform America into.

America has often been an intolerant, racist country. Slavery, discrimination against gays, Islamophobia. These are the things I have tried to combat. I have tried to fundamentally transform America into a country the rest of the world can respect. Gotham’s Catwoman Accommodation Act is a step in this direction. As such I am issuing an executive order stating that all public bathrooms in the United States must now be unigender and have litter boxes. While the White House and the Capitol building will be exempt from this law that’s just because these are old buildings and it would cost too much to comply.

Still opposition to the law exists.

“I took my daughter to a restaurant for her birthday” said a Gotham resident.

And when I took her to the bathroom there was Catwoman, naked from the waist down, pooping in a litter box. My daughter was confused and said “Mommy why is the woman pretending she is a cat?” I told her to be quiet before she was charged with a hate crime. But still she doesn’t need to see that!

The Catwoman Accommodation Act takes effect May 1st. Businesses that do not comply will be fined $5000 per day until they do.

(137)

Private email server? What difference does it make?

Gotham’s most popular crime fighter, Batman, finds himself in the midst of a potentially damaging scandal as it is alleged that he used a private email server while on official Gotham business.

“This is a game-changer” said a member of Gotham’s city council.

Batman is one of the most popular people in Gotham, behind only the people who work the counter at Chick-fil-A.  He’s reduced crime. People feel safe. Well, except for Gotham’s Hispanic neighborhoods but even Batman can’t do anything about that.

Recently there had been much talk in Gotham about drafting Batman to run for election against Mayor Anthony Garcia (pictured here on the left with Commissioner Gordon)

Mayor Garcia and Commissioner Gordon

but with the scandal brewing mention of drafting Batman has been placed on hold.

“Gotham demands three things from its mayor” said a political commentator for a Gotham TV station.

Honesty, a wife and a political platform. Heretofore Batman had two of those. We knew he stood for law and order and we thought he was honest. And as for a wife I suppose in a pinch Catwoman could stand in. But now with these email thing we don’t even know if he’s honest.

On Gotham’s payroll as a crime-fighting “consultant” Batman had signed an agreement stating that he would use only Gotham PD’s official email server.

“It’s a question of security and accountability” according to those with knowledge of the investigation.

Gotham PD’s email server is very secure and is locked behind several layers of firewalls. Who knows what the hell Batman’s private email server’s security is.  I hear he has it located in his bathroom. Who set it up?  Someone qualified and who has security clearance? Or Robin? Also Gotham’s citizens have a right to know how their money is spent. Being on Gotham’s payroll Batman could avoid embarrassing questions of financial accountability by using his own server. I mean the Batmobile? Who knows how much that cost. He should have rented an SUV like everyone else.

According to sources a grand jury has been empaneled to investigate any potential wrongdoing and is close to returning an indictment despite heavy political pressure not to.

Commissioner Gordon is angry and has promised to resign if Batman is not indicted. He feels personally betrayed by the Caped Crusader.  Mayor Garcia on the other hand wants the whole thing swept under the rug. If that happens not only Gordon but most of Gotham PD’s top commanders have promised to resign as well.

As for the man at the center of the scandal, Batman remains unapologetic.

“I’m batman dammit. So I used a private email server.  What difference does it make?”

Superman has not commented publicly on the growing scandal though those close to him say he isn’t surprised.

“He never had much respect for Batman and considers him a fraud.”

(266)