Yankees Lose on Opening Day!

“Nothing give me greater pleasure than playing the game of baseball.  Except for hookers and booze that is. Actually you know what?  Screw baseball. I want my knob polished.” ~ Mickey Mantle

YES network talking heads pontificate before the game

YES network talking heads pontificate before the game

And so, much like Walking Dead fans who now will have to wait six  months to find out who Negan killed, Yankee fans had to wait six long months after their ignominious defeat at the hands of Houston for a rematch.

Today was opening day (postponed from yesterday because of rain.)  It was sunny.  And 35 degrees at game time.  Perfect  baseball football weather.

The Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (pictured here)

The Yankees no. 1 starter

The Yankees no. 1 starter

who did not figure in the decision while Houston started Dallas Keuchel (1-0 2.57).

The hero of the 2009 World Series, the world’s ugliest Japanese man Hideki Matsui  (pictured here)

The world's ugliest Japanese man

The world’s ugliest Japanese man

threw out the ceremonial first pitch.

The Yankees scored (plated in modern nomenclature) first in the bottom of the 2nd.  After Mark “I have no soul” Teixeira led off with by flying out to left field Carlos “Worlds youngest 75 year old man” singled. Brian McCann then walked. McCann reached 2nd and Beltran 3rd on a Chase Headley fielder’s choice. New Yankee 2nd basemen Starlin Castro, in his first at bat as a Yankee, then doubled Beltran and McCann home.  2-0 Yankees after two.

Houston (pronounced “Howston“) got a run back in the top of the fourth.  Jose Altuve led off with a double.  He reached third when George Springer singled. Altuve then scored when Carlos Correa hit into a fielder’s choice  2-1 Yankees after 3 1/2.

In the top of the sixth Houston tied the score when Carlos Correa homered to deep right.  2-2 after 5 1/2.

Houston broke it up in the top of the 8th, scoring three runs. 5-2 Houston after 7 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the inning when Didi Gregorius homered.

Final score:  Houston 5 Yankees 3.  Dellin Betances (0-1 4.50) took the loss for the Yanks.

Notes on the game:

Ah, springtime.  Flowers bloom.  Signs of renewal everywhere.  Except when it’s 35 degrees of course.  I blame climate change.  Somebody (perhaps someone who reads this blog) has stubbornly denied the settled science and insists on using 100 watt light bulbs.  By the fifth inning my toes and fingers, much like my heart, had lost all feeling.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “You’re gonna take the rap and play along. You’re gonna make every exact move I tell you. If you don’t, I’ll kill you. And I’ll promise you one thing: it won’t be quick. I’ll break you first. You won’t be able to answer a telephone or open a door without thinking, ‘This is it.’ And it when it comes, it still won’t be quick. And it won’t be pretty. You can take your choice.”  didn’t fire up the crowd.

Perhaps Yankee fans just don’t appreciate Film Noir.

Recommended reading material:

“A Respectable Minority:  The Democratic Party in the Civil War Era, 1860-1868” by Joel H. Silbey.

Apparently Yankee manager Joe Girardi is a big Walking Dead fan.  While bringing the lineup out before the game he carried a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. As he got to the umpires he looked at them and said, “Eeenie, meenie, miney moe” before killing one of them brutally.

Joe has a code.  The umpires violated it.  ‘Nuff said.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “You know, a dame with a rod is like a guy with a knitting needle.”

I have consulted a team of progressive lawyers and apparently your comment qualifies as a hate crime.

L.T. of Queens, New York writes, “There’s a cantina down the street called Pablo’s. It’s nice and quiet. The man there plays American music for a dollar. Sip bourbon and shut your eyes… it’s like a little place on 44th Street. I sometimes go there.”

American music? You had better only listen to American music.  Anything else and you’d be guilty of cultural appropriation.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I never saw her in the daytime. We seemed to live by night. What was left of the day went away like a pack of cigarettes you smoked. I didn’t know where she lived. I never followed her. All I ever had to go on was a place and time to see her again. I don’t know what we were waiting for. Maybe we thought the world would end.”

Smoking is evil sir.  For that I’ll have to turn you in to the authorities.

And so my record stands at 0-1 this year. My next game is Friday April 15th against the Seattle Mariners and Robinson “The Yankees insulted me by only offering 175 million” Cano.

Go Yankees!



2 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Meet the Mets,. meet the Mets, step right up and greet the Mets… Chankees go home!!!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Met is not spoken on the pages of this blog sir. No Met! Met go home.

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