TOUCH ME!

Anyone who was around in the 1970s remembers the story of Captain and Tennille. They were the perfect Hollywood couple.  But behind the scenes all was not well.  Ms. Tennille has been gracious enough to sit down with me to discuss her life.

MI: Good afternoon Ms. Tennille and thank you for being here.  You divorced your husband of 39 years in 2014 and now you’ve decided to talk about it. 

TT: Yes.  I want to be honest about my living hell.

MI: Okay you say living hell.  How bad was your relationship with your husband?

TT: It was loveless.  My husband had a fear of intimacy.  Whenever I tried to hug him he would pull away. I was always looking for something he couldn’t give. I’m a 75 year old woman. I have physical needs!

MI: I guess.

TT: Touch me!

MI: What?

TT: Touch me!  Touch me now!

[She grabs Manhattan Infidel’s hands and places the on her breasts]

TT: Feel me.

MI: Whoa. Whoa.  Whoa lady. Inappropriate. You’re old enough to be in the Rolling Stones.

TT: I’m sorry.  It’s just that it’s been so long since someone touched me.

MI: Join the club.  I’m a blogger lady. I spend my Saturday nights cleaning the grout in my bathroom.

TT: Then you know what’s it’s like to live a loveless existence.  Please, can’t you touch me?  Close your eyes and touch me. Imagine me as I was in the 1970s. 

TOUCH THIS!!!

MI: I’m sorry but that wouldn’t be appropriate.

TT: I understand. Do you remember our song “Muskrat Love”?

MI: Of course I do. That was one of your biggest hits.

TT:  Would you like to meet my muskrats?

MI: You keep muskrats?

TT: Yes.  [pause] An army of them. [pause] They do my bidding.

MI: They do your bidding?

TT: Yes. And they punish my enemies. Since you have decided not to touch me you are now my enemy. MUSKRATS ATTACK!

[Muskrats surround Manhattan Infidel] 

We do Ms. Tennille’s bidding.

MI: What the hell!

[The muskrats succeed in bringing Manhattan Infidel down and climb on top of him]

MI: Help! Somebody help me!

[Toni Tennille begins to sing. As she sings the muskrats become organized and finish off their attack on Manhattan Infidel]

TT:  Muskrat, muskrat candlelight/Doin’ the town and doin’ it right/In the evenin/It’s pretty pleasin’/Muskrat Susie, muskrat Sam/Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land/And they shimmy/And Sammy’s so skinny/And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed/Singin’ and jinglin’ the jango/Floatin’ like the heavens above/It looks like muskrat love/Nibblin’ on bacon, Chewin’ on cheese/Sammy says to Susie/”Honey would you please be my missus?”/And she says yes/With her kisses

MI: Help me!  I have muskrats on my back!  Wait. What are they doing?  Get out of there!  Get out of that orifice!  Help!  Help!

TT: One word from me and they stop. But since you didn’t want to touch me I’ll just let them finish you off.

MI: No wait. I’m sorry.  Help!

Maybe I should have closed my eyes and touched Toni Tennille.

Touch this!

It couldn’t have been that bad.  In any event I’ll never be able to look at this video the same way again.

or this either.

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