Eat your f*cking carrots!

First Lady Michelle Obama has not been seen in the nation’s Capitol in months leading to speculation as to the cause. While many believe she has abandoned the Capitol out of disgust with how Republicans treat her husband the truth is far different and wildly unexpected:  The First Lady has been travelling the country beating up grade school children who refuse to eat the lunches her healthy lunch program provides.

“The school lunch program is her signature work” said a source.

This is what she wants to be know for.  She wants to be known as the woman who forced the kids of America to eat healthy. So far the program hasn’t been a success so she has taken things into her own hands.  She often does this when she senses failure.  Like the time she told her husband to stop sleeping with Pakistani men if he wanted to be President.

In keeping with her hands-on approach Mrs. Obama has been visiting grade schools across the United States to talk to the children about the benefits of eating healthy.  If the kids still refuse to eat their lunches she punishes the kids.

It’s a carrot and stick approach. Well maybe that’s a bad phrase since the kids are throwing out the carrots. But carrot and stick it is. The carrot is her talking to the kids.  The stick is her beating up the kids.

Not all parents, however, are happy with Obama’s attempts to have their children eat so-called healthy food.

“My kid came home crying one day” said one mother.

I asked him what was wrong.  He said that the First Lady had crushed her Devil Dog and forced him to eat carrots. He didn’t want to and that’s when Mrs. Obama started beating him up. He’s only seven years old! Now he fears carrots and black women.

Security footage from the incident in question shows the First Lady talking to the seven year old and offering him a carrot. When he shook his head “no” she grabbed his arm and flung him against the wall. Then she picked him and lifted him over her head and threw him across the cafeteria.  She then placed the offending youngster in a headlock until he passed out.

“This is what happens when you don’t eat your f*cking carrots” she yelled.

Commenting on the incident the school’s principal defended the first lady.

I support the First Lady’s lunch program. It is good for the kids. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Having the Federal government forcing its people to change their behavior?  What right does a parent have to make their children’s lunch? None whatsoever. Do they work for the FDA? Don’t these parent know that Ring Dings lead to climate change?

As for the First Lady, Mrs. Obama has been spotted a local bench pressing.

“I must be strong. To beat up the kids. For the kids.”

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