Klingons Experience Difficulty Adjusting to Life in America!

America is a racist country!

America is a racist country!

Since the passage of the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965 America has seen its demographic makeup change dramatically. Not only has the Hispanic population increased dramatically but one important group of immigrants often go unnoticed:  Those from the Klingon Homeworld.

“I came to America the same reason everyone comes to America” said one Klingon.

To vote Democrat and get free stuff. But this country is inherently racist. I found that I was not welcome and that my ways, my culture, my traditions were ridiculed by the white man.

He then went on to relate a specific instance where he was discriminated against.

I was in the middle of our traditional Klingon mating ritual. What you humans would probably call assault and battery.  I and my mate had just finished sniffing each other. I had gripped her right hand hard enough to cause bleeding.  Again, as is traditional.  Then we started mating. Several bones were broken during our lovemaking. Again, as is normal. Well somebody called the cops. Apparently one of my nosy neighbors thought I was assaulting her and I was arrested.  Fortunately I had a good lawyer and he played the race card to get me off.  “Aren’t there already too many Klingons in jail” I remember him telling the jury.

Indeed traditional Klingon courtship was such a shock to Americans that many college campuses created “safe zones” where women could go to recover after hearing of such rituals. Congress even at one point created a special subcommittee to investigate the “Klingon rape culture.”  It was only after intervention by Democrats that the committee was terminated.

“It was all politics” said a Democratic congressman.

Republicans used the war on woman to create another war against Klingons. That’s just very typical of that racist party. Naturally Klingons in my district were very grateful that the hearings were ended and overwhelmingly voted for me in the next election. I rewarded their loyalty by getting many of them government jobs.

Another area that Klingons had difficulty with was adjusting to the western diet of the white man.

“When I came to America I was in good shape” said another Klingon.

I had fought wars.  I fought other clans for dominance. It was tough and blood was shed.  I was an honored warrior.  Then I came to America. I started eating American food. My god you Americans have large portions. Now I am 80 pounds overweight and my doctor says I have advanced atherosclerosis. Today is a good day to die?  Well yeah, but we don’t mean that literally! I’m on a diet now and my doctor has me on an exercise program. It’s humiliating for a former proud warrior to have to spend 20 minutes a day on a treadmill. I miss the homeworld and wish I could go back.

Many believe that there are too many Klingons in America and that immigration laws should be enforced compassionately.

“When Klingons come to America it is an act of love” said former Presidential candidate Jeb Bush.

We shouldn’t restrict them but give them a path to citizenship. And I’m not just saying that because my wife is a Klingon. Klingons are valued members of this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day we had a Klingon president.

But one thing is certain: America’s immigration system is broken and Klingons are arriving in great numbers through our porous borders, leading to misunderstanding and discrimination.

“I hate them” said a farmer from Inland California.  “Klingons can’t drive for shit.”


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