Where the hell are my soy milk, green tea and energy supplements?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the most successful recording artists of all time: The People’s Boss, Bruce Springsteen himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Springsteen. I’ve been a fan of yours for years. You really represent the hopes and dreams of the working man. May I call you Bruce?

BS: No. You may call me Mr. Springsteen.

MI: Um. Okay. Let’s talk about your career.

BS: Wait. I’m not talking to no one.  

MI: Why? What’s wrong?

BS: Didn’t you get my interview rider? This place is not stocked with items I specifically asked for.

MI: Interview rider?

BS: Yes. Before I talk to you I must have one couch, two matching chairs and I must stress matching, two banquet tables, one five foot round table for dinner, one coffee table, two side tables, two table lamps, one standing lamp with bulbs, two large floor plants and two table plants.

MI: That’s a lot of tables. Perhaps they should call you the Table Setter not The Boss.

BS: I fail to see the humor in not having my needs met, boy.  I’m Bruce Springsteen dammit!  When I demand something I expect my needs to be met!

MI: Right, well this is a blog.  I don’t have the budget to give you all that. Now –

BS: I haven’t finished giving you my list of demands.  I also need you to do my dry cleaning

MI: Dry cleaning?

BS: Yes. I also will need 120 towels and 12 bars of soap.

MI: What the hell for? This is just a quick interview.

BS: Don’t interrupt me boy.  The towels must be white, bath-sized and pre-washed. No unwashed towels.

MI: Um.

BS: All food and beverages are required to be top quality and should be served in the most appetizing manner possible. Table cloths and napkins should be linen, utensils should be metal and plates and cups stoneware.

MI: What the hell are you talking about?

BS: Shut up. Do you want to interview me? Then snap snap.  Get to it.

MI: No. Come on Bruce.

BS: Mr. Springsteen!  Now I’ll also need a cheese board that must include bleu cheese.

MI: I can see why you are called the Boss.

BS:  Silence serf.  I also need one case of Poland Spring water and clean ice suitable for drinking.

MI: I can’t supply any of that. Do you really need all this?

BS: Yes. It helps me write songs about the pain of the working man. Every time I eat from a cheese board, with bleu cheese of course, or eat finger food I do it for the working man. I eat finger food because they can’t. I eat from a cheese board to empower the people who cannot empower themselves. Oh, I almost forgot.  I’ll also need at least four magazines, including Vogue, Cosmo, People and Elle.

MI: Look I can’t do any of that.  Now let me ask you a question. You recently cancelled your concert in North Carolina to protest their bathroom laws.

BS: Yes. I am taking a stand for civil rights and against those who are trying to turn back the clock on human rights.

MI: Okay let me close this interview with one question. Would you want a man following your daughter into a ladies room?

BS: In theory no. But my daughter would never be in danger.

MI: Why is that?

BS: She has armed private security guards hired by me who go with her everywhere. You have to be careful.

MI: Of course. Well that’s about all the time we have.

BS: Wait, where’s my bucket of Beluga caviar?

MI: Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the Boss. For your extra added benefit please enjoy Bruce Springsteen’s tour rider:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/file/bruce-springsteen

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