California Launches Pro Suicide Helpline!

Would you like to commit suicide? If so the State of California can help!

Would you like to commit suicide? If so the State of California can help!

Responding to the overpopulation crisis on the Earth, California, in conjunction with its End of Life Option Act, has launched a toll-fee number for residents who need more information on how to commit suicide.

Wanting my readers to have a chance to make up their minds as to whether a pro suicide helpline sponsored by the State should exist I was lucky enough to obtain an actual transcript from the hotline.  Hopefully this will provide my readers with the opportunity to make an informed choice.

Pro Suicide Hotline: Good afternoon and welcome to California’s end of life hotline.

Suicidal Man: Yeah, um. I’m very, very depressed.

Pro Suicide Hotline: Fantastic!  Glad to hear it.  How may I be of assistance?

Suicidal Man: Well, um, I’d like to end my life.

Pro Suicide Hotline: Wait, before you do that may I ask you a series of questions?

Suicidal Man: If it would help.

Pro Suicide Hotline: What political party are you affiliated with?

Suicidal Man: I’m a Republican.

Pro Suicide Hotline: Good.  If you were a Democrat I’d have to discourage you from ending your life.  Now, if I may ask, how would you like to kill yourself?

Suicidal Man: Um, gunshot?

Pro Suicide Hotline:Oh I’m afraid the State of California cannot condone the use of guns.

Suicidal Man: What? What difference does it make?  I just want to kill myself!

Pro Suicide Hotline: Yes but guns are immoral.

Suicidal Man: So what are my options?

Pro Suicide Hotline:Well the State of California would prefer if you used hemlock. It’s green and Socrates used Hemlock. And Socrates was gay and not a Christian so that makes it good.

Suicidal Man: What if I want to hang myself?

Pro Suicide Hotline: You’d have to fill out Form 1685 C in triplicate and mail or email it to one of our offices.

Suicidal Man: Why? Why can’t I just hang myself?

Pro Suicide Hotline:  Sir I’m going to ask you to calm down.

Suicidal Man: I am calm. I’m very calm.  I just want to kill myself.

Pro Suicide Hotline: That’s what I’m here for. How may I help you?

Suicidal Man: [Sigh] Okay what are my options besides hemlock?

Pro Suicide Hotline: Have you tried walking into the Pacific Ocean in slow motion while an orchestra plays sad music?

Suicidal Man: What?  No. I can’t afford to hire an orchestra.  I’m broke and have no job. That’s why I’m committing suicide. Besides I don’t live on the coast. 

Pro Suicide Hotline: Sir I’m going to ask to stop fighting me. 

Suicidal Man:  I’m not fighting you. I’m not a fighter. I’m a quitter.  So hemlock and walking into the ocean are my only two options?

Pro Suicide Hotline: No there are others.

Suicidal ManSuch as?

Pro Suicide Hotline: Unfortunately sir it is 5 pm and our office is closing.  You’ll have to call back during normal business hours.

Suicidal Man: When is that?

Pro Suicide Hotline: We are open every Tuesday through Friday from 10 am until 5 pm Pacific Coast Time.

Suicidal Man: But it’s Friday. I can’t wait until Tuesday. I want to commit suicide! Oh the hell with it. I’ll do it over the weekend.

Pro Suicide Hotline: I’d advise against that sir.  Committing suicide during off-hours is not covered under our exchange’s medical plans.

Suicidal Man: You’re joking?

Pro Suicide Hotline: I’m a bureaucrat.  I have no sense of humor.

Suicidal Man: I’ve changed my mind. Maybe I’ll just live.

Pro Suicide Hotline: I’m sorry we could not be of assistance to you.  Is there anything else I can help you with?

Suicidal Man: Blow me!

Pro Suicide Hotline: That’s a different hotline sir. Would you like me to transfer you?

Suicidal Man: F*ck off! [Hangs up]

Pro Suicide Hotline:  Hello? Hello?

As you can see the pro suicide hotline still has a few kinks to be worked out but with time I believe all states will follow California’s lead.



2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    How about this: put on a burqa, expose your ankles and any Muslim man you encounter will knife you or shoot you to death. Problem solved.

  2. Jared says:

    What the number

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