28 Apr 16

Tarzan Guilty of Cultural Appropriation!

Me Tarzan. Me king of jungle!

Tarzan, the so-called “King of the Jungle” has been found guilty by a tribal council of “culturally appropriating in an insensitive manner” the customs of the African continent.

“This so-called Tarzan is not one of us” said a council spokesperson.

He pretends he’s African. He pretends he’s a primitive. He wears a loin cloth and swings from vines while hanging out with a chimpanzee. He pretends he doesn’t speak well. What the hell is he saying? That all Africans are primitive? Loincloth-wearing backward peoples who have never heard of the internal combustion engine? You know we do have cars in Africa. He might get around faster than swinging around on vines. And not all Africa is a forest filled with vines. Has he ever been to the Savanna? Turkey knows nothing about our continent.

Another council member talked about the anger many had toward Tarzan.

First off let’s stop with the Tarzan crap. His real name is John Clayton, Viscount Greystoke. He’s from upper class English royalty. He speaks perfect English and he sure as well knows how to drive a car. I’ve had it with all these rich white folk coming over her and trying to throw off the vestiges of civilization. You know what I call people like this? Liberal fools! They come over here because they are over-socialized and filled with guilt. They want to purge themselves because they can’t stand living in luxury. Screw these assholes. Hell I’ll go live in his mansion in England. If he doesn’t want to live the white privilege lifestyle I sure as hell do.

Tarzan, aka, John Clayton at first tried to ignore the council summons.

“My client loves Africa and the African people” said Clayton’s lawyer.

The fact that he chooses to self-identify as Tarzan, a primitive, is his subjective truth. For Africans to deny this is racist to say the least. My client is only attempting to show Africans what they can be. He is trying to get Africans back in touch with their primitive customs. He feels it is a tragedy that so many on this continent have adapted white dress and white customs.

But calls to censor Clayton as culturally insensitive have grown and many of his former followers in Africa have begun to shun him.

“I thought he was cool” said a local native.

He had good vine technique, which is a lost art among us. But then I heard that he wants to keep other tribes out of our territory. That’s just wrong. We are an enlightened tribe and we consider immigration a great benefit and we welcome all cultures and tribes. Except for the Irish of course.

As for Clayton he has expressed sorrow and confusion over the controversy surrounding him.

“Tarzan no mean hurt people. Tarzan sorry. Okay screw it. F*ck these people. I’m going back to England. I can’t get a decent cup of tea anywhere on this damn godforsaken continent.”

(270)

2 Comments

Filed in The dark side of popular culture

Posted by Manhattan Infidel

27 Apr 16

Bruce Springsteen to Tour North Carolina Bathrooms

You ladies have penises?

Recently two elderly women in a ladies room in Wilmington, North Carolina received the surprise of a lifetime: An impromptu performance by Bruce Springsteen as they were washing their hands.

“We were quite shocked. Normally one doesn’t see a man in a woman’s restroom” said one.

He burst through the door with his guitar and started singing for us. At first we didn’t know who it was. My friend thought it was John Mellencamp. But when he finished singing he said “I’m Bruce Springsteen and I support bathroom equality.” He then asked if either of us had penises. When we said no he seemed disappointed and left but not before telling us to “Fight the power.”

A spokesman for Springsteen confirmed that he has been visiting bathrooms in North Carolina as a show of support for the oppressed transsexuals of that state.

“Bruce cares about freedom and equality” he said.

He believes that North Carolina’s bathroom laws are an affront to the dignity of transsexuals. After he cancelled his appearance in that state we thought about what we can do to help the hundreds of thousands of transsexuals who are forced to use the men’s room. That’s when Bruce came up with the idea of performing in bathrooms.

So far Springsteen and his makeshift band, the “E Street Urinal Cake Band” have appeared in bathrooms in Charlotte, Raleigh, Durham and Winston-Salem.

While reviews have for the most part been positive, not everyone is happy with his bathroom tour.

“I was sitting in a stall doing my business when someone got in the stall next to me and started playing the guitar” said a woman.

Hello? I usually like some privacy. Then he started singing “Oh the price you pay, oh the price you pay, now you can’t walk away from the price you pay.” Tell me about it. I had just finished a sausage and peppers hero. I know all about the price you pay. That’s why I was in the stall. Then he stood on the toilet and peered over the partition and asked me if I had a penis. I’m a respectable woman. I expect behavior like this in South Carolina but not in my state! When I said no he thanked me for my support and left.

Another woman recalls being forcibly removed from her stall.

I heard some noises and men’s voices. Someone started singing and then stopped and I heard him say, “Check her ticket.” That’s when one of his security team kicked open the stall door and asked me if I had a VIP ticket. “You can’t be this close to Bruce if you ain’t got no VIP ticket.” I was so outraged I ended up throwing my VIP feces at him. That’s when they dragged me out of the stall and threw me out of the bathroom.

While regretting the incident, Springsteen’s people did not apologize.

“It’s standard security protocol. We call it SSP in the business” said his tour manager.

It’s a dangerous world out there. Bruce is an international celebrity. That makes him a target. We just had to make sure the lady wasn’t dangerous. She refused to provide I.D. so we neutralized the threat.

Springsteen has vowed not to finish his tour until he has visited every bathroom in North Carolina.

“This is about a new birth of freedom in America. I ask that this unjust law be reversed. Also if the bathrooms I’m visiting could have a supply of Perrier and a cheese tray with sliced Swiss, cheddar, American and provolone that would be great.”

(15)

2 Comments

Filed in Politics

Posted by Manhattan Infidel

26 Apr 16

Curt Schilling Fired by ESPN; Replaced by Caitlyn Jenner

All I said was that if you have a penis use the men’s room.

ESPN has announced that is has fired baseball analyst Curt Schilling after his anti-transsexual comments.

“ESPN is proud to be inclusive” said its president, John Skipper (pictured here).

ESPN John Skipper

Curt’s comments were hate-filled and hurtful towards those in the transgender community. This is something we cannot tolerate. As such we had no choice but to let him know that his comments do not reflect ESPN’s culture of craven corporate cowardice. I mean tolerance and inclusiveness. We at ESPN will not tolerate intolerance. Yes, my last name is Skipper. No I’ve never been aboard the Minnow nor do I know anyone named Gilligan. Why do you ask?

In keeping with its proud standard of inclusiveness, gender equality and craven corporate cowardliness, Skipper also announced that Schilling will be replaced by none other than Caitlyn Jenner.

The new face of baseball for ESPN.

When news of Schilling’s anti-transsexualism broke and we decided to fire him there was only one person we considered to replace him: Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn is attractive, she knows sports and we believe this 70 year old former Olympian will guarantee our network young, hip viewers. Because as we all know, young, hip people know gender is a bourgeois construct. Yes I already acknowledged that my name is Skipper. What? Where’s my little buddy?

Jenner was then introduced and thanked Skipper for the opportunity.

Skipper I’d like to thank you for taking time out from the Minnow to be here today. I am proud to be joining a fellow woman, Jessica Mendoza, as a baseball analyst for ESPN. I’m sure Jessica and I will get along just fine. As long as she doesn’t wear the same outfits as I do.

Jenner was asked by one of the reporters what perspective on baseball she will be bringing to the network.

A woman’s perspective of course. As a woman, as all woman, I will be able to naturally sympathize with the weak. That means that the Philadelphia Phillies will always have an advocate at ESPN. I must admit I don’t know much about baseball but as a woman I will do my best to learn about this sport. For instance I notice that the players are all wearing pants. Can’t they wear shorts or kilts? I know as a woman I’d like to see that. Also why do we keep score? Why do we celebrate the winners? That must hurt the feelings of the losers. As a woman, all woman, I am sensitive to this.

Despite the show of unity there are reports that Mendoza refuses to share the ESPN ladies room with Caitlyn. Skipper dismissed such reports.

I know Jessica will gladly welcome Caitlyn into the ladies room. I mean only a bigot would have a problem with seeing a ladies penis. As I often used to say to my little buddy Gilligan when we were on the Minnow, “Look I’m the skipper. You’re the first mate. Now quit whining and put on the dress I picked for you.” Um, not that I’ve even been on the Minnow or know anyone named Gilligan.

To advertise her new position on ESPN, Caitlyn will be writing a blog entitled, “A Woman and her Perspective on Baseball.”

The first post will be entitled “What I have in common with baseball: Balls.”

(42)

1 Comment

Filed in The dark side of popular culture

Posted by Manhattan Infidel

25 Apr 16

This Just In: The Yankees STILL Hate Manhattan Infidel!

“Why does it hurt when I pee?” ~ Mickey Mantle

If you look closely you can see the Yankees sucking

Having won the first two games of their series against the Tampa Bay (-Devil) Rays the Yankees went for the sweep. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Bronx. What could possibly go wrong.

The Yankees started Michael Pineda (1-2 6.95) while the Rays started one of their better pitchers, Drew Smyly (1-2.51).

Michael Pineda was cruising. At least through the first 2/3rd of an inning. After getting Logan Forsythe to strike out and Logan Morrison to ground out to Mark Teixeira, the next batter Evan Longoria hit a 2-2 pitch up the middle for a double. After that Corey Dickerson hit the first pitch into the right field bleachers five seats over from me. Steve Pearce then singled. Brad Miller then doubled home Pearce. Steven Souza Jr. then homered to left field.

5-0 Tampa Bay after 1/2 an inning.

In the top of the third Steve Pearce hit the first pitch he saw over the left field wall.

6-0 Tampa Bay after 2 1/2 innings.

The Yankees finally scored in the bottom of the fourth. Brett Garder led off with a walk and reached second when Mark Teixeira grounded out. Alex Rodriguez hit a 1-1 pitch for a double scoring Gardner. This was AROD’s last at bat in the game. He left after the inning with oblique stiffness.

And speaking of oblique stiffness, do not take Cialis if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure

6-1 after four.

In the top of the fifth Steven Souza, Jr struck again, hitting his second homer of the game on the first pitch he saw.

7-1 Tampa Bay after 4 1/2.

In the top of the eighth Logan Forsythe homered on an 0-1 pitch. 8-1 Tampa Bay after 7 1/2.

And that was the final score.

Yankee starter Michael Pineda pitched five innings. On the bright side he did strike out nine. On the not so bright side he gave up ten hits, four of which were home runs. He was charged with the loss for the Yanks. Tampa starter Drew Smyly pitched seven innings, allowing one run on six hits while also striking out six.

Notes on the game:

As I mentioned earlier Pineda cruised through the first 2/3rds of the first inning. But seeing as how the Yankees hate Manhattan Infidel, manager Joe Girardi walked to the mound and had the following exchange with Pineda:

Joe Girardi: You’re pitching fantastic.

Michael Pineda: Gracias, senor.

Joe Girardi: But can I ask you a question? Do you know what you’re doing?

Michael Pineda: No entiendo.

Joe Girardi: Manhattan Infidel’s at the game!

Michael Pineda: Infidel de Manahatta?

Joe Girardi: Yea. He’s in the bleachers. See him!

Michael Pineda: El hombre blanco?

Joe Giradi: Yeah, him. Throw the game now!

And so Pineda then proceeded to pitch like crap for no other reason than to vex Manhattan Infidel.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Further, woman was made in paradise. But man is greater than woman” didn’t fire up the crowd. I don’t know. Perhaps they were being charitable towards the weaker sex.

Gotham Raises Minimum Wage to Fifteen Dollars!

Business is fleeing, but at least we feel good about ourselves.

After weeks of contentious debate, the Gotham City Council has voted to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour.

Supporters of the bill, “The Gotham Living Wage Act of 2016″ hailed the passage.

“This is a great day for fairness and promoting a living wage” said Gotham’s mayor Antony Garcia

By increasing the wage to fifteen dollars an hour we are ensuring that the underclass of Gotham, its fast food workers, its taxi drivers, its illegal immigrants living in the shadows will be able to provide for themselves and their families.

He then went on to call the bill a “common sense measure” and decried the Republicans on the City council who opposed it.

Why they did I don’t know. That’s between them and their conscience. But I believe that racism played a large part in this. There can be no other explanation.

Opponents of the bill, however, have a different story to tell. A story of reduced profit margins and layoffs. Already, prominent Gotham resident Batman (pictured here)

Yeah, I’m angry!

has announced that he has laid off Robin and will be reducing his crime fighting hours.

“I got bills to pay” said the Caped Crusader.

This is cutting into my profit margin. Do you think I’m a crime fighter for the glamour and money? No. I do it out of a sense of duty. But if Gotham can’t appreciate my sacrifice then maybe it’s time to pull up stakes and relocated to a city that will appreciate me.

The Living Wage Act has also negatively effected those on the other side of the law and order divide.

“And they call me a super villain” responded the Joker (pictured here).

And they call me a super villain!

I ain’t got nothing on the City Council. Batman and I have had our differences in the past but on this we are in agreement. This so-called Living Wage act will destroy us and the city. Glamour? Sure. There is some glamour in being the Joker. Axl Rose is a personal friend of mine. Rock stars copy my look. Glamour? Yes. But glamour only goes so far. I need cash too. Pyrotechnics are expensive. I have to hire people to set charges. What? Did you think I was making the bombs myself in my apartment? What am I? ISIS?

The Joker also announced that he will be leaving Gotham to pursue super villainry in another city.

I thought of maybe Detroit of Chicago. But frankly if I moved there who would notice me? Too much competition. So I’ve boiled it down to either Poughkeepsie, New York or Mammoth Lakes, California. Either way it’ll be a fresh start for me.

Several other of Gotham’s villains have adopted a wait and see attitude.

“I’m not going to move if this thing gets repealed in another year” said the Penguin.

Socialism? Now that’s evil!

The mayor and the city council got to stand for reelection sometime. I know a lot of people who are going to vote against them. If I wanted to live in a socialist worker’s paradise I’d move to Vermont and polish Bernie’s knob.

As for Batman he has spoken to the Joker and is contemplating following him.

“I don’t know much about Mammoth Lakes but I hear Poughkeepsie has a wonderful Civic Center.”

(128)

2 Comments

Filed in General insanity

Posted by Manhattan Infidel

21 Apr 16

It’s Official: The Yankees Hate Manhattan Infidel!

“Today I consider myself really, really screwed” ~ Lou Gehrig

All these people hate Manhattan Infidel

After losing a tight one in extra innings to the Athletics the Yankees met for game two in the Bronx.

The Yankees started Nathan Eovaldi (0-2 6.11) and the ~~Philadelphia~~ ~~Kansas City~~ Oakland Athletics countered with Kendall Graveman (1-1 2.04).

The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the second when Didi Gregorius hit a 1-1 pitch into the right field stands. 1-0 Yankees after 2.

Alas, that was the last lead the Yankees would have. (A recurring theme this year.)

Eovaldi was cruising through the first three innings, facing only nine batters and with a low pitch count of 38. However in the fourth God smote the Yankees and by extension Manhattan Infidel.

In the top of the fourth Billy Burns led off with a double. Chris Coghlan then doubled him home. Josh Reddick continued the dance by doubling home Chris Coghlan. Stephan Vogt ended the scoring by hitting a sac fly to center field scoring Coghlan. 3-1 Athletics after four.

In the top of the eighth Khris (Yes, that’s how he spells his first name) Davis singled home Billy Butler and Chris Vogt. 5-1 Athletics after 7 1/2.

In the bottom of the eighth Carlos Beltran homered to right field.

Final score: Athletics 5 Yankees 2.

Notes on the game:

What can one say about the 2016 Yankees? I know it’s still early but they are currently in last place in the AL East. AROD looks done. He just can’t get around on the fastball anymore. Beltran is so old that he played right field while in a wheelchair. God bless our Boy Scouts for wheeling him around the outfield.

In the seventh inning, bored and possibly suicidal Yankee fans started the Wave. The Wave is not welcome in the bleachers as we bleacher creatures are too cool such displays. Besides, the Wave hasn’t been fun since 2002. Any fans in the bleachers doing the wave are severely punished. This didn’t stop one girl next to me from rising and attempting to join in the Wave. She was tackled by fellow Bleacher Creatures and her ovaries were removed. By hand.

As the title of this posts says, the Yankees hate me. Eovaldi had command of the game after three innings. I watched him and Joe Girardi in the dugout between innings and being something of a master lipreader I was able to make out this conversation:

Girardi: Nathan you’re pitching great. But you know Manhattan Infidel is at the game tonight.

Eovaldi: Crap! What do you want me to do?

Girardi: Throw the game! Throw it!

Eovaldi: My thoughts exactly. I hate that guy. We can’t win when he’s here.

Girardi: Try giving up some home runs or beaning a few batters.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “The Union of the soul and body ceases at the cessation of breath” didn’t fire up the crowd. Anti-Thomists!

It’s a Gay Animal Planet!

hey, come on. We’re not gay!

Recently two male lions were photographed engaging in homosexual behavior in Botswana. And the internet went wild. The cable network Animal Planet dispatched resources to Botswana to photograph the gay lions in the act for their new cable program “Animal Pride!”

First Narrator: Welcome to Animal Planet’s groundbreaking new show entitled “Animal Pride!” We are in Botswana where recently two male lions were photographed mounting each other. And there they are! I haven’t been so excited to witness the naturalness of homosexuality since those two penguins in the Central Park Zoo raised a chick together.

Second Narrator: Oh yes. Just look at the two of them.

Does anybody have any Judy Garland CDs?

Shining examples of virile male sexuality. The fact that they can openly celebrate their love is a testament to the moral superiority of the animal kingdom over humanity.

First Narrator: Right you are. There’s no Church here to make the lions feel guilty about a biologically normal thing. All animals do it.

Second Narrator: The Church. [Canned boos are heard on soundtrack] When are the celibate white men who run that racist organization going to let people do what they want to do? After all love is love!

First Narrator: The Supreme Court said so.

Second Narrator:Look at them go.

Relax when you want to cum!

It’s like watching a Frankie Goes to Hollywood video. I feel freer just being around them.

First Narrator: Relax. When you want to cum.

Second Narrator: Indeed. Why can’t humans elevate themselves to the level of animals?

First Narrator: As you said earlier, the Church. [More canned boos.}

Second Narrator:Sometimes I feel sick being a human. I want to self-identify as an animal.

First Narrator: That’s quite normal. Science says so.

Second Narrator: I wonder what the lion being mounted self-identifies as?

First Narrator: An out and loud, proud human!

Second Narrator: You know sometimes I self-identify as a llama.

First Narrator: As long as you don’t self-identify as a heterosexual llama! [Canned laughter.]

Second Narrator: Good one! I understand that Elton John has written a song about the pair and will be travelling to Botswana to sing to them.

First Narrator: [Singing] Oh you lived your lives like two lions mounting in the wind/Never knowing who to mount/as the Church set in and made you feel guilty.

Second Narrator: I have just been informed by my producer that these two lions have been named Grand Marshals of next year’s Gay Pride Parade in New York City.

First Narrator: That’s terrific. Perhaps the anti-gay humans will be shamed by the naturalness of lion love.

Second Narrator: I’m filled with pride. In fact I’m so proud I may just mount our photographer.

Photographer: What? Guys I’m union. No one mounts me until the collective bargaining agreement says so.

Second Narrator: Excuse me. I apologize viewers. Obviously the photographer is Catholic. [More canned boos.]

First Narrator: Well that’s about all the time we have for now. On behalf of Animal Planet and our sponsor, “Dick’s Water-based Lubricant” remember to free yourselves of your humanity and mount like an animal!

Second Narrator: Do not use Dick’s Water-based Lubricant if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.

First Narrator: If you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, go mount somebody! [Canned laughter and cheering.]

Um. Well this was certainly an unusual nature documentary.

(424)

4 Comments

Filed in General insanity

Posted by Manhattan Infidel

19 Apr 16

My Exclusive Interview With George Lopez

Ay Carumba!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the massively popular television star George Lopez.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Lopez.

GL: Good afternoon. Are you feeling the Bern?

MI: No, sorry. I’m not a supporter of Bernie Sanders.

GL: What the hell’s wrong with you? Don’t you think the rich should pay more taxes?

MI: Actually I think the IRS should be abolished, as well as the 16th and 17th amendments.

GL: What? I can’t believe what I’m hearing? Abolish the right of our government to take our income? You’re a climate change denier also, aren’t you? Figures.

MI: I don’t see the connection. I believe the government has no right to take my income. It’s robbery by any other name. The United States had no direct income tax until 1913 and we did pretty well.

GL: You white people make me sick!

MI: What’s race got to do with this?

GL: Do you know what taxes pay for? A welfare safety net that my people need! I don’t expect a rich, white oppressor pig like you to understand.

MI:I ‘m neither rich nor an oppressor. That’s a stereotype. I thought that peoples of color such as you would not engage in racial stereotypes.

GL: Whatever whitey.

MI: Let’s talk about your support for Bernie Sanders.

GL: Yes! I am totally feeling the Bern! I’ll support him forever.

MI: You know he will raise taxes on the rich.

GL: I know. I can’t afford to pay any more taxes. But we’ll figure it out.

MI: How so?

GL: I believe the rich should pay more taxes. But I don’t mean me or my filthy rich colleagues in Hollywood. So I propose having those less wealthy than me pay their fare share. Let’s get those making 250,000 to a million a year pay more taxes.

MI: Why shouldn’t you pay more taxes?

GL: Listen whitey, I’m a well-known Mexican. I’m a role model. As a role model I need to live a certain lifestyle. I can’t do that if I’m paying more taxes.

MI: So you’ll support Bernie but only if he raises other people’s taxes?

GL: Exactly.

MI: Right. Let’s move on. What do you like about America?

GL: I like living among white people in a quiet, crime-free white neighborhood.

MI: Pardon me?

GL: Have you ever been to a Hispanic neighborhood?

MI: Actually I live in one in Manhattan.

GL: Then you know what I am talking about. I was in Mexico once. Noisy, polluted, violent. Nothing but f*cking Mexicans everywhere.

MI: Um.

GL: Thank god I grew up in the United States of America. A land of opportunity where a Mexican like me can live in a white neighborhood and have other people’s taxes raised.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

GL: ¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah!

MI: What?

GL: Feel the Bern! Raise taxes on the wealthy. But not the very wealthy. Death to the white oppressor. But not in my neighborhood.

And so ended my interview with the socially conscious George Lopez, well-known Mexican-American who wants to raise taxes, as long as it doesn’t affect his income or his ability to live in a crime-free, gated, lily-white community.

(20)

3 Comments

Filed in Politics

Posted by Manhattan Infidel

18 Apr 16

Yankees Lose to Mariners (And Robby Cano, Don’t Ya Know!)

“I run a clean clubhouse. And by that I mean no blacks” ~ Billy Martin

And the crowd of 18,000 goes wild!

And so on a balmy 60 degree day in the Bronx (ah, but if only the game had been played during the day) the Yankees started a homestand against the Seattle ~~Pilots~~ Mariners and the 240 million dollar man, Robinson Cano.

The Yankees started their potential future ace Luis Severino (0-2 5.91) while Seattle countered with Nathan Karns (1-1 4.50).

The Yankees took the lead in the bottom of the first when Brett “I suck after July” Gardner hit a 1-1 pitch into deep right field. 1-0 Yankees after one.

Alas, that was the last lead the Yanks would have all night.

In the top of the fourth Seattle tied the score. After Seth Smith doubled, Robinson Cano singled him home. 1-1 after four.

In the top of the fifth Seattle took the lead for good. After an Adam Lind single Chris Iannetta homered. 3-1 Seattle after five.

In the sixth Seattle scored one more run when Adam Lind singled home Robinson Cano. 4-1 Seattle after six. Severino was taken out after 5 2/3 innings by Girardi and replaced by Kirby Yates.

In the seventh Seattle scored again. After Ketel Marte led off with a single and stole second, he reached third on a groundout by Nori Aoki. He then scored on a sac fly by Franklin Gutierrez. 5-1 Seattle after seven. Kirby Yates was taken out after pitching 2/3 of an inning and replaced by Tyler Olsen who pitched the rest of the game for the Yanks.

In the top of the eight Seattle, well you guessed it After a double by Nelson Cruz, Chris Iannetta singled him home. 6-1 Seattle after eight.

Seattle scored one more time in the ninth. (How? Who cares at this point.).

Final score: Seattle 7 Yankees 1. Luis Severino took the loss for the Yanks, giving up eight hits and four runs over 5 2/3 while allowing one walk and striking out two. Karns pitched five innings for Seattle giving up one run on five hits while walking four and striking out seven.

Notes on the game:

The Yankees fell victim to the same bug-a-boo that has plagued them since 2002: The inability to move runners over. They left ten men on base during the game. Somewhere, Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neil, Scott Brosius and Tino Martinez were hanging their heads in shame.

There is nothing more depressing than night baseball in April. Especially if your team is losing. The team’s cold. The fans are cold. Everyone is miserable. By the end of the game (even though the official attendance was 35,000) probably only 18,000 were still in the ballpark.

Cano continues to prove that he is an idiot. His swing was made for Yankee Stadium yet he rejected seven years and 180 million from New York in favor of ten years and 240 million at the notorious non-hitter’s ballpark in Seattle.

Now I know 240 millions sounds like a lot but with inflation his contract is probably worth only 220 million. He’s going to have to tighten his belt

There were no celebrities in attendance at the game. Perhaps the Yankees “no cocaine or hookers” policy turned them away.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Say, has anyone seen the Model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that I ordered?” just didn’t fire up the crowd. I guess they don’t appreciate the love that a Model D83 Swedish sure-grip suction machine can give.

Batman v DMV

I hate government bureaucracies almost as much as the Joker!

Superhero movies are all the rage nowadays. Probably because 20 somethings and 30 somethings all live at home with their parents, haven’t worn a suit in their lives and refuse to grow up. Adults can we let the kids have their superheros back? But I digress.

One thing I’ve noticed is that these new movies lack a sense of being grounded in reality. Too much CGI and our heroes are never actually in danger. That’s why I’m so excited about the new “Batman v DMV” movie that is slated to be released in May. It’s dark, brooding and disturbing. Just like Manhattan Infidel. Also Batman appears to be in real danger throughout the movie.

So sit back and enjoy this brief trailer.

Inside Gotham’s Department of Motor Vehicles. Batman has arrived to renew his license and get new plates for his Batmobile.

Scene One:

Loudspeaker: Now serving customer no. 25.

[Batman looks at the slip of paper in his hand which has the number “238” on it.]

Batman: Son of a bitch!

Scene Two (forty five minutes later):

Loudspeaker: Now serving customer no. 71.

[Batman looks at slip of paper in his hand which still has the number “238” on it.]

Batman: Goddammit!

Scene Three (an hour and half later):

Loudspeaker: Now serving customer no. 149.

[Batman looks at slip of paper in his hand which still has the number “238” on it.]

Batman: F*ck it!

Scene Four: (Two hours later):

Loudspeaker: Now serving customer no 192.

[Batman uses his pen to scribble out number 238 on his slip of paper and write in “192.”]

Batman: That’s me! That’s me! Number 192 right here! Yep. I’m without a doubt number 192.

[A senior citizen gets up and starts to complain.]

Senior citizen: No he’s not. I’m number 192. He scribbled out his number and wrote 192 on his sheet of paper. I saw him do it!

[Batman gets grappling hooks from his utility belt, attaches them to the senior citizen’s pants and watches as the senior citizen is propelled to the ceiling where he hangs, suspended.]

Batman: Sorry about that folks. Probably just a teabagger trying to foment civil unrest. God bless the United States government and her employees.

[Batman approaches the window where a DMV employee greets him.]

DMV Employee: Good afternoon. How may I help you today?

Batman: I’m here to renew my license and get special vanity license plates.

DMV Employee: Name please.

Batman: I’m Batman.

DMV Employee: Okay is that first name Bat last name Man?

Batman: No! Just Batman. I’m Batman dammit. I’m Batman!

DMV Employee: Now before I renew your license I’m going to have to ask you to take your mask off while I take your picture.

Batman: What?

DMV Employee: Your face must be visible on your license.

Batman: I can’t, I won’t take my mask off. I’m Batman dammit.

DMV Employee: Now Mr. Man you’re going to have to take your mask off.

Batman: That’s Batman dammit. Batman!

DMV Employee: Are you refusing to take your mask off and if so are you Muslim?

Batman: What?

DMV Employee: Under Gotham City law Muslims do not have to remove their burkas. Are you stating your religion as Muslim?

Batman: So if I say I’m Muslim I can keep my mask on?

DMV Employee: Yes Mr. Man.

Batman: I’m Muslim. I’m Batman and I’m Muslim.

DMV Employee: Turn toward the camera and stand still.

[Batman’s photo is taken.]

DMV Employee: Thank you Mr. Man. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Batman: Yes, I want to have new vanity license plates for my vehicle that say “CapedCrusader”.

DMV Employee: Let me check the database. [Pause.] Sorry sir that has already been taken.

Batman: What? Oh then what about “Caped1Crusader”?

DMV Employee: Let me check. [Pause.] Sorry sir that appears to be taken as well.

Batman: Caped2Crusader? Caped3Crusader?

DMV Employee: They’ve all been taken.

Batman: By who?

DMV Employee: Superman.

Batman: Son of bitch! I hate him! You realize this means war!

[End of clip.]

Wow. That brief clip was fraught with tension and dramatic possibility. I can’t wait to see the entire movie.

(19)

0 Comments

Filed in The dark side of popular culture

Posted by Manhattan Infidel

Manhattan Infidel

Now with twice the cleaning power!

Tarzan Guilty of Cultural Appropriation!

Bruce Springsteen to Tour North Carolina Bathrooms

Curt Schilling Fired by ESPN; Replaced by Caitlyn Jenner

This Just In: The Yankees STILL Hate Manhattan Infidel!

Gotham Raises Minimum Wage to Fifteen Dollars!

It’s Official: The Yankees Hate Manhattan Infidel!

It’s a Gay Animal Planet!

My Exclusive Interview With George Lopez

Yankees Lose to Mariners (And Robby Cano, Don’t Ya Know!)

Batman v DMV

« Older Posts

Newer Posts »

Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.

Archives

Categories

Blogroll

Meta

Recent Posts

Comments from the League of the Unhinged

Spam Blocked