You ladies have penises?

Recently two elderly women in a ladies room in Wilmington, North Carolina received the surprise of a lifetime: An impromptu performance by Bruce Springsteen as they were washing their hands.

“We were quite shocked. Normally one doesn’t see a man in a woman’s restroom” said one.

He burst through the door with his guitar and started singing for us. At first we didn’t know who it was. My friend thought it was John Mellencamp. But when he finished singing he said “I’m Bruce Springsteen and I support bathroom equality.” He then asked if either of us had penises. When we said no he seemed disappointed and left but not before telling us to “Fight the power.”

A spokesman for Springsteen confirmed that he has been visiting bathrooms in North Carolina as a show of support for the oppressed transsexuals of that state.

“Bruce cares about freedom and equality” he said.

He believes that North Carolina’s bathroom laws are an affront to the dignity of transsexuals. After he cancelled his appearance in that state we thought about what we can do to help the hundreds of thousands of transsexuals who are forced to use the men’s room. That’s when Bruce came up with the idea of performing in bathrooms.

So far Springsteen and his makeshift band, the “E Street Urinal Cake Band” have appeared in bathrooms in Charlotte, Raleigh, Durham and Winston-Salem.

While reviews have for the most part been positive, not everyone is happy with his bathroom tour.

“I was sitting in a stall doing my business when someone got in the stall next to me and started playing the guitar” said a woman.

Hello? I usually like some privacy. Then he started singing “Oh the price you pay, oh the price you pay, now you can’t walk away from the price you pay.”  Tell me about it. I had just finished a sausage and peppers hero. I know all about the price you pay. That’s why I was in the stall. Then he stood on the toilet and peered over the partition and asked me if I had a penis. I’m a respectable woman. I expect behavior like this in South Carolina but not in my state! When I said no he thanked me for my support and left.

Another woman recalls being forcibly removed from her stall.

I heard some noises and men’s voices. Someone started singing and then stopped and I heard him say, “Check her ticket.” That’s when one of his security team kicked open the stall door and asked me if I had a VIP ticket. “You can’t be this close to Bruce if you ain’t got no VIP ticket.” I was so outraged I ended up throwing my VIP feces at him. That’s when they dragged me out of the stall and threw me out of the bathroom.

While regretting the incident, Springsteen’s people did not apologize.

“It’s standard security protocol. We call it SSP in the business” said his tour manager.

It’s a dangerous world out there. Bruce is an international celebrity. That makes him a target. We just had to make sure the lady wasn’t dangerous. She refused to provide I.D. so we neutralized the threat.

Springsteen has vowed not to finish his tour until he has visited every bathroom in North Carolina.

“This is about a new birth of freedom in America. I ask that this unjust law be reversed. Also if the bathrooms I’m visiting could have a supply of Perrier and a cheese tray with sliced Swiss, cheddar, American and provolone that would be great.” 

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