All I said was that if you have a penis use the men’s room.

ESPN has announced that is has fired baseball analyst Curt Schilling after his anti-transsexual comments.

“ESPN is proud to be inclusive” said its president, John Skipper (pictured here).

ESPN John Skipper

Curt’s comments were hate-filled and hurtful towards those in the transgender community. This is something we cannot tolerate. As such we had no choice but to let him know that his comments do not reflect ESPN’s culture of craven corporate cowardice.  I mean tolerance and inclusiveness. We at ESPN will not tolerate intolerance. Yes, my last name is Skipper. No I’ve never been aboard the Minnow nor do I know anyone named Gilligan. Why do you ask?

In keeping with its proud standard of inclusiveness, gender equality and craven corporate cowardliness, Skipper also announced that Schilling will be replaced by none other than Caitlyn Jenner.

The new face of baseball for ESPN.

When news of Schilling’s anti-transsexualism broke and we decided to fire him there was only one person we considered to replace him: Caitlyn Jenner.  Caitlyn is attractive, she knows sports and we believe this 70 year old former Olympian will guarantee our network young, hip viewers. Because as we all know, young, hip people know gender is a bourgeois construct. Yes I already acknowledged that my name is Skipper. What? Where’s my little buddy?

Jenner was then introduced and thanked Skipper for the opportunity.

Skipper I’d like to thank you for taking time out from the Minnow to be here today. I am proud to be joining a fellow woman, Jessica Mendoza, as a baseball analyst for ESPN. I’m sure Jessica and I will get along just fine. As long as she doesn’t wear the same outfits as I do.

Jenner was asked by one of the reporters what perspective on baseball she will be bringing to the network.

A woman’s perspective of course. As a woman, as all woman, I will be able to naturally sympathize with the weak. That means that the Philadelphia Phillies will always have an advocate at ESPN. I must admit I don’t know much about baseball but as a woman I will do my best to learn about this sport. For instance I notice that the players are all wearing pants. Can’t they wear shorts or kilts?  I know as a woman I’d like to see that. Also why do we keep score?  Why do we celebrate the winners?  That must hurt the feelings of the losers. As a woman, all woman, I am sensitive to this.

Despite the show of unity there are reports that Mendoza refuses to share the ESPN ladies room with Caitlyn. Skipper dismissed such reports.

I know Jessica will gladly welcome Caitlyn into the ladies room. I mean only a bigot would have a problem with seeing a ladies penis. As I often used to say to my little buddy Gilligan when we were on the Minnow, “Look I’m the skipper. You’re the first mate. Now quit whining and put on the dress I picked for you.” Um, not that I’ve even been on the Minnow or know anyone named Gilligan.

To advertise her new position on ESPN, Caitlyn will be writing a blog entitled, “A Woman and her Perspective on Baseball.”

The first post will be entitled “What I have in common with baseball:  Balls.”

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