Me Tarzan. Me king of jungle!

Tarzan, the so-called “King of the Jungle” has been found guilty by a tribal council of “culturally appropriating in an insensitive manner” the customs of the African continent.

“This so-called Tarzan is not one of us” said a council spokesperson.

He pretends he’s African. He pretends he’s a primitive.  He wears a loin cloth and swings from vines while hanging out with a chimpanzee. He pretends he doesn’t speak well. What the hell is he saying?  That all Africans are primitive? Loincloth-wearing backward peoples who have never heard of the internal combustion engine? You know we do have cars in Africa. He might get around faster than swinging around on vines. And not all Africa is a forest filled with vines. Has he ever been to the Savanna? Turkey knows nothing about our continent.

Another council member talked about the anger many had toward Tarzan.

First off let’s stop with the Tarzan crap. His real name is John Clayton, Viscount Greystoke. He’s from upper class English royalty. He speaks perfect English and he sure as well knows how to drive a car. I’ve had it with all these rich white folk coming over her and trying to throw off the vestiges of civilization. You know what I call people like this? Liberal fools! They come over here because they are over-socialized and filled with guilt. They want to purge themselves because they can’t stand living in luxury. Screw these assholes. Hell I’ll go live in his mansion in England. If he doesn’t want to live the white privilege lifestyle I sure as hell do.

Tarzan, aka, John Clayton at first tried to ignore the council summons.

“My client loves Africa and the African people” said Clayton’s lawyer.

The fact that he chooses to self-identify as Tarzan, a primitive, is his subjective truth. For Africans to deny this is racist to say the least. My client is only attempting to show Africans what they can be. He is trying to get Africans back in touch with their primitive customs. He feels it is a tragedy that so many on this continent have adapted white dress and white customs.

But calls to censor Clayton as culturally insensitive have grown and many of his former followers in Africa have begun to shun him.

“I thought he was cool” said a local native.

He had good vine technique, which is a lost art among us. But then I heard that he wants to keep other tribes out of our territory. That’s just wrong. We are an enlightened tribe and we consider immigration a great benefit and we welcome all cultures and tribes. Except for the Irish of course.

As for Clayton he has expressed sorrow and confusion over the controversy surrounding him.

“Tarzan no mean hurt people. Tarzan sorry. Okay screw it. F*ck these people. I’m going back to England. I can’t get a decent cup of tea anywhere on this damn godforsaken continent.”

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