hey, come on. We’re not gay!

Recently two male lions were photographed engaging in homosexual behavior in Botswana. And the internet went wild. The cable network Animal Planet dispatched resources to Botswana to photograph the gay lions in the act for their new cable program “Animal Pride!”

First Narrator: Welcome to Animal Planet’s groundbreaking new show entitled “Animal Pride!”  We are in Botswana where recently two male lions were photographed mounting each other. And there they are!  I haven’t been so excited to witness the naturalness of homosexuality since those two penguins in the Central Park Zoo raised a chick together.

Second Narrator: Oh yes.  Just look at the two of them.

Does anybody have any Judy Garland CDs?

Shining examples of virile male sexuality. The fact that they can openly celebrate their love is a testament to the moral superiority of the animal kingdom over humanity.

First Narrator: Right you are. There’s no Church here to make the lions feel guilty about a biologically normal thing. All animals do it.

Second Narrator: The Church. [Canned boos are heard on soundtrack]  When are the celibate white men who run that racist organization going to let people do what they want to do?  After all love is love!

First Narrator: The Supreme Court said so.

Second Narrator:Look at them go.

Relax when you want to cum!

 It’s like watching a Frankie Goes to Hollywood video.  I feel freer just being around them. 

First Narrator: Relax. When you want to cum.

Second Narrator: Indeed. Why can’t humans elevate themselves to the level of animals?

First Narrator: As you said earlier, the Church. [More canned boos.}

Second Narrator:Sometimes I feel sick being a human. I want to self-identify as an animal.

First Narrator: That’s quite normal.  Science says so.

Second Narrator: I wonder what the lion being mounted self-identifies as?

First Narrator: An out and loud, proud human!

Second Narrator: You know sometimes I self-identify as a llama.

First Narrator: As long as you don’t self-identify as a heterosexual llama! [Canned laughter.]

Second Narrator: Good one! I understand that Elton John  has written a song about the pair and will be travelling to Botswana to sing to them.

First Narrator: [Singing] Oh you lived your lives like two lions mounting in the wind/Never knowing who to mount/as the Church set in and made you feel guilty.

Second Narrator: I have just been informed by my producer that these two lions have been named Grand Marshals of next year’s Gay Pride Parade in New York City.

First Narrator: That’s terrific. Perhaps the anti-gay humans will be shamed by the naturalness of lion love.

Second Narrator: I’m filled with pride. In fact I’m so proud I may just mount our photographer.

Photographer: What? Guys I’m union. No one mounts me until the collective bargaining agreement says so.

Second Narrator: Excuse me. I apologize viewers. Obviously the photographer is Catholic. [More canned boos.]

First Narrator: Well that’s about all the time we have for now.  On behalf of Animal Planet and our sponsor, “Dick’s Water-based Lubricant” remember to free yourselves of your humanity and mount like an animal!

Second Narrator: Do not use Dick’s Water-based Lubricant if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.

First Narrator: If you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, go mount somebody! [Canned laughter and cheering.]

Um.  Well this was certainly an unusual nature documentary.

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