#nohate

Using the powers vested in me as a blogger I traveled to an alternate timeline and visited Washington D.C. on December 8th, 1941 to watch President Roosevelt address a joint session of Congress. This timeline is very progressive and compassionate.

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, members of the Senate and the House of Representative and all people of color:

Yesterday, December 7th, 1941 – a date where once again America was seared by gun violence – oh when will it ever end? – the United States of America was after much forethought and keeping in mind the justifiable historical enmity between our two countries attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was not currently bombing that nation, and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government and its Emperor looking towards signing a treaty that would be my signature achievement.

Indeed,, the Japanese Ambassador, representing that peace-loving peoples delivered to our Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. This reply stated that the United States has historically oppressed that island nation, which we regrettably have.

So it must be admitted that the Japanese attack, if you want to call it that, was justified.  We must look into ourselves and accept responsibility for our racism.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands was not an attack by the entire Japanese people. To suggest that we are at war with the entire Japanese race is the worst and most contemptible form of racism.

The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States, at least the progressive, enlightened people, have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications of their previous racism.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy I have directed that all measures be taken for our emotional healing.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome our racism, the American people, in their progressive might, will win through to absolute color-blindness.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we have had enough. Enough of widows and orphans at the hand of gun violence. And the Japanese did use guns, assault guns, on their planes.  Congress must act to ban assault guns.

There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger. No more hate!  No more racism against the Japanese.

With confidence in our psychologists and professional emotional counselors. with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph over our racist triumphalism.

I ask that the Congress declare that the Washington Monument be lit up with the colors of the rainbow to celebrate American diversity. I ask that the American people hold candelight vigils demanding an end to hate. I ask the American people to take a Japanese person out to lunch and let them know that we are sorry for our past racism and that we do not hold the Japanese people responsible for the attack from Japan

Thank you.

Such compassion!  If only the FDR from our timeline was this forgiving and progressive.

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Fortress of solitude? Not so much anymore

Fearing the effects of urbanization and a new eight-lane superhighway near his property, Superman has decided to move out of the Fortress of Solitude.

“At first I loved the place” said Superman.

It was cold, inhospitable and inaccessible. Just like my heart. Plus the tax code for co-ops is different here in the North Pole so I saved a lot of money on my taxes. And I could communicate with my father. My real father. The one who looks like Marlon Brando. That was fun. But as I got older he kept popping in at inappropriate moments. Embarrassing moments. He’d say stuff like “Why don’t you get a nice woman and you won’t have to do that. You’ll go blind you know.” He should know that with my physiology most Earth women couldn’t handle me. I’d tear them apart. No I’m not bragging!

The neighborhood around the fortress of solitude also began to change and not for the better.

They build some public housing not far from me. Look I’m not a racist but it did raise the crime rate. I was held up at gunpoint once and they took my cape and the 47 dollars I had in my pocket. After that I was afraid to travel alone at night. The street thugs on the block started calling me “Capeless Man.” I would have punched them but I am undocumented and I didn’t want to be deported. Not to Krypton that doesn’t exist anymore but to Mexico. What a shithole that country is.

With the influx of housing noise levels began to increase.

Most of the new arrivals were Dominicans and they are rather loud. They’d be up all night partying and blasting music from their cars. You know it’s called the Fortress of Solitude not the Fortress of will you turn the music down and shut the hell up. If I can’t get eight hours of sleep a night I get cranky. And when I get cranky I lose the desire to fight for truth, justice and the American way.

No longer meeting his need for privacy and quiet Superman decided to pull up stakes and look elsewhere.

I looked for places that met all three of my priorities:  silence, solitude and budget-friendly. I don’t  have to tell you that being a superhero isn’t a high paying job. In fact it’s a no-paying job. And my salary at the Daily Planet isn’t exactly making me rich either.

At first Superman was attracted to upstate New York.

It’s cold, just like the North Pole, no one lives there so it’s quiet and real estate prices are pretty cheap. However I eventually ruled that out. I mean, it’s upstate New York for God’s sake. Have you ever been there?  ‘Nuff said.

Superman eventually settled for New York City.

There isn’t much peace and quiet, grant you. But everyone leaves everyone else alone. So there is solitude. And no one cares that I dress oddly.  I also became the Daily Planet’s reporter in New York so I still have a job.

As for real estate prices in the Big Apple, Superman admitted defeat.

I couldn’t afford to buy a place so I’m renting a studio in Washington Heights. It’s cramped but I don’t need much space. I’m just a small town Krypton boy living in a lonely world.

The former Fortress of Solitude was burned down shortly after Superman left. Police blame the suspicious fire on drug dealers.

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Replace this white male oppressor pig!

With the news that Harriet Tubman will be replacing white male oppressor pig Andrew Jackson on the 20 dollar bill we hear at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ applauded the measure.

However it doesn’t go far enough. Our money has too many dead white male oppressors on it. We must diversify our money. Every denomination must change. As such, here are a few humble suggestions.

One Dollar Bill

Currently the one dollar bill is graced with the image of George Washington. Who was George Washington?  A white male oppressor pig millionaire landowner. A slaveholder who rebelled against the enlightened socialist government of King George. We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ feel that his image should be replaced by Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

I’m black. And I’m Muslim!

Kareem is black. And he’s Muslim. This will go a long way towards helping Muslims feel better about themselves. And we must help Muslims feel better about themselves.  It’s in the Constitution or something.

Two Dollar Bill

The two dollar bill has the image of Thomas Jefferson.  Another white male slave holder.  A slave owner who suffered from jungle fever and slept with his slaves. As a matter of social justice and turn around is fair play the two dollar bill should feature the image of Wilt Chamberlain.

He sleeps with women. White women.

Wilt Chamberlain slept with 20,000 women. Hopefully some of them were white. Take that Thomas Jefferson!

Five Dollar Bill

Abraham Lincoln is on the five dollar bill.  Granted he did free the slaves, but he is also regrettably white.  As a compromise I suggest putting comedian Wayne Brady

Not authentically black but close enough

on the five dollar bill. He is black, but not authentically so. This should mollify the lovers of Lincoln.

Ten Dollar Bill

The ten dollar bill currently has Alexander Hamilton on it.

Shot in New Jersey. Oh the indignity!

Yes, he is white. But he was shot to death in New Jersey. As such he has suffered enough. Leave him on the bill. Besides, he’s already black on Broadway. What more do you people want?

Twenty Dollar Bill

Besides being what I normally pay women by the entrance of the Lincoln Tunnel to service me, it will have Harriet Tubman on it. I have no idea who she is. But the important thing is she’s black. Authentically so. Not like Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady has no street cred. A black without street cred is basically a white person 

Fifty Dollar Bill

The fifty dollar bill has U.S. Grant on it. Who was U.S. Grant?  A general in the Civil War and our 18th president. He was also a drunk. As a drunk I considered keeping him on the bill but after further reflection I feel he should be replaced by Rachel Dolezal,

Authentically white, spiritually black

who is authentically white but spiritually black. She could teach blacks a thing or two about how to be better peoples of color! God bless fake person of color Rachel Dolezal.

One Hundred Dollar Bill

Currently Ben Franklin is on this bill. Ben slept with lots of women.  Perhaps Wilt Chamberlain could also be on this bill? Ben Franklin would be proud.

Also Wilt Chamerlain. Ben Franklin would be proud

We’ll just put a different picture than the one of him on the two dollar bill so people don’t get confused.

And there you have it. My plan to diversify our denominations. Now I know I left many worthy black people off this list. Perhaps the Fed can create more denominations so that all worthy blacks can have their picture on money? It makes perfect sense to me.

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We have to stop flying planes into buildings!

The special joint House-Senate committee on 9/11 released their final report today. Among its findings they debunked the myth that Islam was responsible for the attack.

“Islam is the religion of peace™” said a member of the committee.

Instead of blaming Islam we should put the blame right where it belongs: On ourselves and our macho culture of flying planes into buildings. Europe has long ago banned flying planes into buildings. Only America has this problem. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of America. I’m ashamed to be an American.

To prevent an attack similar to 9/11 the committee recommended the following:

• Education starting in pre-K about the dangers of flying planes into buildings
• Restrictions on interstate flying
• Those buying planes will have to undergo screening for mental health issues and comply with a waiting period until they are allowed to buy their plane
• A complete ban on air shows
• Plane control legislation that would ban a person from selling their plane to another person
• So-called “safe” laws stating that when an owner is not using their plane it must be stored in a locked hanger.  The ignition key must be stored separately
• Tightening up loopholes in lax F.A.A. regulations that might allow a person to fly a plane into a building

President Obama hailed the committee’s findings.

“9/11 was a tragic day for all Americans. A day that did not have to happen” said the President.

There are those on the right who have tried to use that day to divide us. They must not succeed. This reports ends once for all dangerous speculation that says that Islam was responsible for the attack. I thank the committee for their work and will use the final months of my Presidency implementing their suggestions. If Republicans continue to obstruct me I’m sure that my successor, Hillary Clinton, will continue my efforts to make America safe again.

President Obama then ordered background checks on all privately-owned airplanes and then reminded Americans that nowhere in the Constitution does the Government grant its citizens the right to own airplanes.

The Republicans are silent on this. Why?  Because they don’t have an answer. They know I am right. Republicans claim to worship the Constitution but how many times have I had to remind them that I taught the Constitution in law school. I think I know more about it then they do. I dare Republicans to find one thing in the Constitution that says private citizens can own airplanes?  They can’t. In fact the committee, if you ask me, didn’t go far enough. I’d like to see all planes banned. Not only are they dangerous and unnecessary but they lead to climate change. Or do my Republican opponents from Red State America want sea levels to rise and flood coastal areas populated by immigrants and Democrats? I have a hard time believing that even entrenched Republican racists want that.

Those who own planes have vowed to fight the new regulation. Officials at the FAA have promised to work with the administration.

“I thank President Obama and the joint committee for their work and promise that the FAA will do all in its power to tighten our regulations and close loopholes that led to 9/11” said FAA administrator Michael Huerta.

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