Superman Moves Out of Fortress of Solitude!

Fortress of solitude? Not so much anymore

Fortress of solitude? Not so much anymore

Fearing the effects of urbanization and a new eight-lane superhighway near his property, Superman has decided to move out of the Fortress of Solitude.

“At first I loved the place” said Superman.

It was cold, inhospitable and inaccessible. Just like my heart. Plus the tax code for co-ops is different here in the North Pole so I saved a lot of money on my taxes. And I could communicate with my father. My real father. The one who looks like Marlon Brando. That was fun. But as I got older he kept popping in at inappropriate moments. Embarrassing moments. He’d say stuff like “Why don’t you get a nice woman and you won’t have to do that. You’ll go blind you know.” He should know that with my physiology most Earth women couldn’t handle me. I’d tear them apart. No I’m not bragging!

The neighborhood around the fortress of solitude also began to change and not for the better.

They build some public housing not far from me. Look I’m not a racist but it did raise the crime rate. I was held up at gunpoint once and they took my cape and the 47 dollars I had in my pocket. After that I was afraid to travel alone at night. The street thugs on the block started calling me “Capeless Man.” I would have punched them but I am undocumented and I didn’t want to be deported. Not to Krypton that doesn’t exist anymore but to Mexico. What a shithole that country is.

With the influx of housing noise levels began to increase.

Most of the new arrivals were Dominicans and they are rather loud. They’d be up all night partying and blasting music from their cars. You know it’s called the Fortress of Solitude not the Fortress of will you turn the music down and shut the hell up. If I can’t get eight hours of sleep a night I get cranky. And when I get cranky I lose the desire to fight for truth, justice and the American way.

No longer meeting his need for privacy and quiet Superman decided to pull up stakes and look elsewhere.

I looked for places that met all three of my priorities:  silence, solitude and budget-friendly. I don’t  have to tell you that being a superhero isn’t a high paying job. In fact it’s a no-paying job. And my salary at the Daily Planet isn’t exactly making me rich either.

At first Superman was attracted to upstate New York.

It’s cold, just like the North Pole, no one lives there so it’s quiet and real estate prices are pretty cheap. However I eventually ruled that out. I mean, it’s upstate New York for God’s sake. Have you ever been there?  ‘Nuff said.

Superman eventually settled for New York City.

There isn’t much peace and quiet, grant you. But everyone leaves everyone else alone. So there is solitude. And no one cares that I dress oddly.  I also became the Daily Planet’s reporter in New York so I still have a job.

As for real estate prices in the Big Apple, Superman admitted defeat.

I couldn’t afford to buy a place so I’m renting a studio in Washington Heights. It’s cramped but I don’t need much space. I’m just a small town Krypton boy living in a lonely world.

The former Fortress of Solitude was burned down shortly after Superman left. Police blame the suspicious fire on drug dealers.


4 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    He could move to Jersey where the buffalo roam and deer and the antelope play… No, wait, that’s Pennsylvania.

  2. Petermc3 says:

    Ya gotta feel bad for the Incredible Bulk. While trying to stay on his diet he told aides close the fridge… They misunderstood.

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