We have to stop flying planes into buildings!

The special joint House-Senate committee on 9/11 released their final report today. Among its findings they debunked the myth that Islam was responsible for the attack.

“Islam is the religion of peace™” said a member of the committee.

Instead of blaming Islam we should put the blame right where it belongs: On ourselves and our macho culture of flying planes into buildings. Europe has long ago banned flying planes into buildings. Only America has this problem. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of America. I’m ashamed to be an American.

To prevent an attack similar to 9/11 the committee recommended the following:

• Education starting in pre-K about the dangers of flying planes into buildings
• Restrictions on interstate flying
• Those buying planes will have to undergo screening for mental health issues and comply with a waiting period until they are allowed to buy their plane
• A complete ban on air shows
• Plane control legislation that would ban a person from selling their plane to another person
• So-called “safe” laws stating that when an owner is not using their plane it must be stored in a locked hanger.  The ignition key must be stored separately
• Tightening up loopholes in lax F.A.A. regulations that might allow a person to fly a plane into a building

President Obama hailed the committee’s findings.

“9/11 was a tragic day for all Americans. A day that did not have to happen” said the President.

There are those on the right who have tried to use that day to divide us. They must not succeed. This reports ends once for all dangerous speculation that says that Islam was responsible for the attack. I thank the committee for their work and will use the final months of my Presidency implementing their suggestions. If Republicans continue to obstruct me I’m sure that my successor, Hillary Clinton, will continue my efforts to make America safe again.

President Obama then ordered background checks on all privately-owned airplanes and then reminded Americans that nowhere in the Constitution does the Government grant its citizens the right to own airplanes.

The Republicans are silent on this. Why?  Because they don’t have an answer. They know I am right. Republicans claim to worship the Constitution but how many times have I had to remind them that I taught the Constitution in law school. I think I know more about it then they do. I dare Republicans to find one thing in the Constitution that says private citizens can own airplanes?  They can’t. In fact the committee, if you ask me, didn’t go far enough. I’d like to see all planes banned. Not only are they dangerous and unnecessary but they lead to climate change. Or do my Republican opponents from Red State America want sea levels to rise and flood coastal areas populated by immigrants and Democrats? I have a hard time believing that even entrenched Republican racists want that.

Those who own planes have vowed to fight the new regulation. Officials at the FAA have promised to work with the administration.

“I thank President Obama and the joint committee for their work and promise that the FAA will do all in its power to tighten our regulations and close loopholes that led to 9/11” said FAA administrator Michael Huerta.

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