Replace this white male oppressor pig!

With the news that Harriet Tubman will be replacing white male oppressor pig Andrew Jackson on the 20 dollar bill we hear at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ applauded the measure.

However it doesn’t go far enough. Our money has too many dead white male oppressors on it. We must diversify our money. Every denomination must change. As such, here are a few humble suggestions.

One Dollar Bill

Currently the one dollar bill is graced with the image of George Washington. Who was George Washington?  A white male oppressor pig millionaire landowner. A slaveholder who rebelled against the enlightened socialist government of King George. We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ feel that his image should be replaced by Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

I’m black. And I’m Muslim!

Kareem is black. And he’s Muslim. This will go a long way towards helping Muslims feel better about themselves. And we must help Muslims feel better about themselves.  It’s in the Constitution or something.

Two Dollar Bill

The two dollar bill has the image of Thomas Jefferson.  Another white male slave holder.  A slave owner who suffered from jungle fever and slept with his slaves. As a matter of social justice and turn around is fair play the two dollar bill should feature the image of Wilt Chamberlain.

He sleeps with women. White women.

Wilt Chamberlain slept with 20,000 women. Hopefully some of them were white. Take that Thomas Jefferson!

Five Dollar Bill

Abraham Lincoln is on the five dollar bill.  Granted he did free the slaves, but he is also regrettably white.  As a compromise I suggest putting comedian Wayne Brady

Not authentically black but close enough

on the five dollar bill. He is black, but not authentically so. This should mollify the lovers of Lincoln.

Ten Dollar Bill

The ten dollar bill currently has Alexander Hamilton on it.

Shot in New Jersey. Oh the indignity!

Yes, he is white. But he was shot to death in New Jersey. As such he has suffered enough. Leave him on the bill. Besides, he’s already black on Broadway. What more do you people want?

Twenty Dollar Bill

Besides being what I normally pay women by the entrance of the Lincoln Tunnel to service me, it will have Harriet Tubman on it. I have no idea who she is. But the important thing is she’s black. Authentically so. Not like Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady has no street cred. A black without street cred is basically a white person 

Fifty Dollar Bill

The fifty dollar bill has U.S. Grant on it. Who was U.S. Grant?  A general in the Civil War and our 18th president. He was also a drunk. As a drunk I considered keeping him on the bill but after further reflection I feel he should be replaced by Rachel Dolezal,

Authentically white, spiritually black

who is authentically white but spiritually black. She could teach blacks a thing or two about how to be better peoples of color! God bless fake person of color Rachel Dolezal.

One Hundred Dollar Bill

Currently Ben Franklin is on this bill. Ben slept with lots of women.  Perhaps Wilt Chamberlain could also be on this bill? Ben Franklin would be proud.

Also Wilt Chamerlain. Ben Franklin would be proud

We’ll just put a different picture than the one of him on the two dollar bill so people don’t get confused.

And there you have it. My plan to diversify our denominations. Now I know I left many worthy black people off this list. Perhaps the Fed can create more denominations so that all worthy blacks can have their picture on money? It makes perfect sense to me.

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