Let’s see your tits lady!

The Food and Drug Administration announced today that starting in 2017 it will regulate and monitor all mother’s milk in the United States.

“It’s a question of purity and health” said Robert Carliff, the Commissioner of Food and Drugs and head of the FDA.

While we applaud breastfeeding we are concerned that mother’s milk is unsafe as it is not pasteurized. There is a reason all store-bought milk is pasteurized. Raw milk contains harmful bacteria such as salmonella, E. Coli and listeria. These harmful bacteria can lead to brain damage and death. Yet every day millions of mothers in America put their children in harms way by breastfeeding.

Accordingly the FDA will now be testing, measuring and taking pictures of the breasts of all women of child-bearing years in the United States.

We do not do this lightly. We know that many will complain that we are overreaching and intruding upon the most private and sacred of moments between a mother and her child. To this we answer: Yes. But it’s our job. We have a mandate from Congress to keep people safe and healthy and that’s what we intend to do.

As part of their plan to test all mother’s milk the FDA has contracted with GE to build “breast-sucking” machines. These breast-suckers will be placed around a woman’s breasts by a certified FDA employee who will extract the milk and test it for impurities.

If impurities are found the qualified and certified FDA professional will further inspect the woman’s breasts.

It’s important that a thorough and close up investigation is done to rule out anything that may be harmful. It’s for the children you see.

The follow up investigation of the milk-producing breasts will take about ten minutes to a half hour to perform, depending on the age of the FDA employee. During the examination the FDA employee may have reason to touch other parts of the young mother’s anatomy. He may even have to remove his pants.

Naturally the removing of pants is for professional safety reasons. If there are impurities in the mother’s milk we don’t want them to get onto the clothing of an agent and potentially harm him.

As a nod to economy certified breast-examining FDA agents will be encouraged to perform the examinations at hotels that rent rooms by the hour.

This guarantees privacy for our agents as they perform these important breast-handling functions. And of course these rooms are cheaper than renting for the entire night.

To ensure the accuracy of the tests and the safety of the children being breastfed only those FDA agents who have taken special courses in breast handling will be allowed to perform the examinations.

I’ve never seen agents so excited to take training courses before. We have a six-month waiting list for certification classes. This has been a real boon for morale.

“I’m going to be a titty handler!” proclaimed one excited FDA employee.

To enforce the regulations those mothers who refuse inspections will have their children taken away and placed in government orphanages.

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