Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing our 27th president, none other than William Howard Taft.
MI: Good afternoon President Taft.
WHT: Good afternoon Mr. Infidel.
MI: So tell me what’s it like being president?
WHT: It has its perks. You know I get to go to baseball games for free. That’s a plus. The crowds are very respectful. They even stood up when I stood up. And that was only because I had to pee.
MI: And the negative?
WHT: Well, it’s the Washington Senators. They suck you know. If it weren’t for Walter Johnson they’d never win a game.
MI: I mean are there any negatives to being President?
WHT: Well, you can’t please everybody. Sometimes old friends desert you.
MI: You’re talking about Teddy Roosevelt?
WHT: Yes. But I’d prefer not to talk about it. It’s painful. I mean just because I wasn’t a greenie, an environmentalist like him he disowns me.
MI: Have you talked to him at all?
WHT: Not in a awhile. The last time we talked he hurt my feelings pretty bad.
MI:What did he say?
WHT: He called me a whale in human form.
MI: He fat shamed you?
WHT: Yes! Do you know how much that hurts? My body image and self-esteem suffered.
MI: Okay.
WHT: I’m not fat! I”m big boned!
MI: Right.
WHT: I mean Grover Cleveland was big boned too.
I didn’t see the press making an issue out of it.
MI: Well he was a Democrat. Besides he was legitimately big boned. You on the other hand are fat.
WHT: There you go again with the hate speech! Do you have any idea what that does to my self-worth? I have feelings. Sometimes when people call me fat I cry.
MI: Really?
WHT: How am I supposed to feel good about myself if people are calling me fat?
MI: What do you do to feel better?
WHT: Bubble baths
MI: Bubble baths?
WHT: Yes. With candles and scented soaps. It relaxes me and helps me release my Chakra.
MI: Okay.
WHT: And yoga.
MI: Yoga?
WHT: Yes. I like the spiritual benefits. Plus some of the chicks in their tight yoga pants are quite the hotties.
MI: Come on. My readers will have a difficult time believing yo do yoga. How can a man as fat –
WHT: Big boned! Big boned!
MI: You’re fat. Admit it!
WHT: Why are you doing this? I’ve always self-identified as big-boned.
MI: Fattie.
WHT: Please. You’re violating my safe space.
MI: Taft is a fattie. Taft is a fattie. Big fat fattie fattie.
WHT: You’re not helping me release my Chakra! Get out! This interview is over. Take your hateful patriarchal culture of fat shaming elsewhere.
MI: Wow, I never knew you fat people were so sensitive!
WHT: Get out! I have to draw my bubble bath before I start crying.
And so ended my interview with Fat Billie. Fat people. Am I right, readers?
WHT: I heard that! How about a trigger warning for Christ’s sake?
(155)
WHT had fat fluidity which alliwed him to use skinny people lavatories. Truly a man ahead of his time.
And people say Republicans are anti-science!