My Exclusive Interview with President William Howard Taft

I'm not fat, I'm big boned!

I’m not fat, I’m big boned!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing our 27th president, none other than William Howard Taft.

MI: Good afternoon President Taft.

WHT: Good afternoon Mr. Infidel.

MI: So tell me what’s it like being president?

WHT: It has its perks. You know I get to go to baseball games for free.  That’s a plus. The crowds are very respectful. They even stood up when I stood up. And that was only because I had to pee.

MI: And the negative?

WHT: Well, it’s the Washington Senators. They suck you know. If it weren’t for Walter Johnson they’d never win a game.

MI: I mean are there any negatives to being President?

WHT: Well, you can’t please everybody. Sometimes old friends desert you.

MI: You’re talking about Teddy Roosevelt?

WHT: Yes. But I’d prefer not to talk about it. It’s painful.  I mean just because I wasn’t a greenie, an environmentalist like him he disowns me.

MI: Have you talked to him at all?

WHT: Not in a awhile. The last time we talked he hurt my feelings pretty bad. 

MI:What did he say?

WHT: He called me a whale in human form.

MI: He fat shamed you?

WHT: Yes! Do you know how much that hurts?  My body image and self-esteem suffered.

MI: Okay.

WHT: I’m not fat!  I”m big boned!

MI: Right.

WHT: I mean Grover Cleveland was big boned too.

Fat but not as fat as Taft

Fat but not as fat as Taft

I didn’t see the press making an issue out of it.

MI: Well he was a Democrat. Besides he was legitimately big boned. You on the other hand are fat.

WHT: There you go again with the hate speech!  Do you have any idea what that does to my self-worth?  I have feelings. Sometimes when people call me fat I cry.

MI: Really?

WHT: How am I supposed to feel good about myself if people are calling me fat?  

MI: What do you do to feel better?

WHT: Bubble baths

MI: Bubble baths?

WHT: Yes. With candles and scented soaps. It relaxes me and helps me release my Chakra.

MI: Okay.

WHT: And yoga. 

MI: Yoga?

WHT: Yes. I like the spiritual benefits. Plus some of the chicks in their tight yoga pants are quite the hotties.

MI: Come on. My readers will have a difficult time believing yo do yoga. How can a man as fat –

WHT: Big boned!  Big boned!

MI:  You’re fat. Admit it!

WHT: Why are you doing this? I’ve always self-identified as big-boned.

MI: Fattie.

WHT: Please. You’re violating my safe space. 

MI: Taft is a fattie. Taft is a fattie.  Big fat fattie fattie.

WHT: You’re not helping me release my Chakra!  Get out!  This interview is over. Take your hateful patriarchal culture of fat shaming elsewhere.

MI: Wow, I never knew you fat people were so sensitive!

WHT: Get out!  I have to draw my bubble bath before I start crying.

And so ended my interview with Fat Billie. Fat people. Am I right, readers?

WHT: I heard that! How about a trigger warning for Christ’s sake?



2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    WHT had fat fluidity which alliwed him to use skinny people lavatories. Truly a man ahead of his time.

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