The pipes are running fine if you know what I mean

Sith lord Darth Vader has returned from an extended leave of absence in which he had his mobile life support system upgraded.

Vader’s suit (serial number E-3778Q-1), while offering protection from the external elements and keeping him alive, had become obsolete as the years wore on.

“I was quite happy with my mobile life support system” said Vader.

But last month I got an email saying that the software on the suit was no longer being supported by Microsoft. And the suit itself, the hardware I mean, was getting old and bulky. I wasn’t enthusiastic to upgrade because frankly something always goes wrong when you do but in this case I didn’t have a choice

Helped by the Galactic Empire’s mandatory single-payer health insurance, Vader arrived at his physician for the upgrade.

“It was a difficult process” said the doctor in charge.

The extend of his injuries were massive. He had stumps for arms and legs and a badly charred penis, which frankly, we all posed next to and posted on Facebook. In addition his breathing sub process in the suit’s software was infected with malware. Every time Vader took a deep breath he was danger of automatically getting his credit card charged. So we did a complete overhaul. Software and hardware. Nothing we could do about his badly charred penis though. But at least the photo I took did get 100 likes on Facebook.

Once the upgrade was completed Vader had to adjust to the new suit. The most obvious change was the color.

Unfortunately the black model was out of stock. It’s very popular with the Goth Siths. So we got him an off-white one. Technically it’s cream with vanilla trimming. Not as imposing but it is less off-putting and creates a friendlier vibe.

The next adjustment Vader had to make was to the new software’s graphical interface.

His old suit was text-based. His helmet would process information and display it at a command line. The new software is gui-based, has a task bar and built-in apps. We even have an app that will simulate a non-badly charred penis if he wants to get his freak on. He can even get the weather report throughout the empire, though we have to help him program his preferences first.

While expressing some reservations Vader is for the most part happy with his new mobile life support system and plans on unveiling it in front of the Galactic Senate.

“This new interface makes me stronger” he said.

I’m going to ask the senate to join me. With our combined strength we can bring order to the galaxy. We shall rule and – wait I’m just checking Facebook. Alright who put a photo of my badly charred penis online and tagged me in it? That’s just wrong. And can anyone tell me how to disable this damn weather app?  It keeps telling me it’s raining in Dublin. I know it’s raining in Dublin. It always rains in Dublin!

Before meeting with the senate Vader hopes to stop off and get his breathing apparatus adjusted.

“I may have stumps for arms and legs but I still have my rectum and they forgot to add a separate air intake valve for that. Now every time I pass gas my eyes water.”

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A previously unreleased behind the scenes photo of Kermit

As a child I used to watch Sesame Street all the time. I loved the show. Not only was it entertaining but it was educational as well.  Little did I know that behind the scenes was drama, betrayal and misery.

Popular Sesame Street regular Animal (pictured here)

Sex drugs and children’s television

has released a tell all book entitled “Too Slow! My Drug Fueled Romp Through Children’s Television.”  In the book Animal dishes in explicit detail his (and Kermit’s) drug habit, Miss Piggy’s sexual promiscuity and Fozzy Bear’s betrayal.

“When I got the job at Sesame Street I was already using coke pretty heavily” said Animal.

I mean I was burning through it at the rate of 10,000 dollars per week. There was a morals clause in my contract so at first I tried to hide my drug use. But it turns out the morals clause only prohibited me from voting Republican. After that my drug use was an open secret. Then I found out that Kermit was also using. We became good friends after that.

Soon Kermit and Animal were hanging out until the morning, hitting up every place in Manhattan that they might be able to score.

It wasn’t long before their work began to suffer.

Kermit would come into the Monday morning production meetings with a needle still in his arm. He told people it was for an anti-drug PSA he was filming.

But when Kermit switched to meth things really began to unravel.

Kermit would get very horny when he was on meth. We had trouble getting interns because it became known in the industry that “If you worked for Kermit, you worked under Kermit.”

But the promiscuity wasn’t limited to Kermit.

Miss Piggy used her body  

What’s love got to do with it?

to get everything she had. She slept with anyone who could help her career. She didn’t care about love. To her sex was something you did for professional purposes only. Eventually her promiscuity caught up with her and about half the Sesame Street team ended up with an STD.  But I liked her. She had a good heart and was only doing what any woman would to make it in a man’s world. The last time I saw here before her death was at the St. Mary’s Home for Those with Terminal Sexually Transmitted Diseases. We shared a few laughs and cried.

But the biggest blow to Sesame Street was Fozzy Bear’s betrayal.

We all thought Fozzy was our friend.

Behind the smiling face and jokes lay a ruthless SOB

But he was very ambitious and wanted to be known as more than a comic. He wanted the show. He wanted Sesame Street to be his. And he could only do that by pushing Kermit out of the way. Poor Kermit never saw it coming. He came in one day, high as usual, and found that Fozzy was the new host. Kermit was out the door. And when Kermit lost his prestige he lost the groupies, the drugs and the money. It was sad downward spiral that had him committing suicide by blowing his brains out. We all saw it coming. But there was nothing we could do.  I blame Fozzy. I hope he rots in hell. Kermit and he were like brothers!

The one person unaffected by the behind the scenes drama was Count von Count.

The Count lived the straight and narrow lifestyle.

Everything’s fine. No problems here

He went to Mass every day. He never suspected what was going on around him. I doubt he even heard of meth. How could anyone be so naive?  I don’t know. Perhaps he was a Republican. That could be why we all hated him. Conservative racist son of a bitch.

Animal’s book will be available on Amazon starting in August for $23,95. Half the proceeds go to St. Mary’s Home for Those with Terminal Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

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Unconscious my ass. It was totally conscious

Captain America learned his fate today from a military tribunal after a trial that polarized an already deeply divided America.

The tribunal found that America was guilty of “unconscious biases” towards Latinos, blacks, women, the trangendered and nongendered and reduced his rank.

While not as bad as being court-martialed out of the service, the demotion in effect ends the career of the former Captain America.

The tribunal also found that Captain America had acted in a fashion that “reeked of patriarchy and white privilege” while in the performance of his duties.  It also found that he used his shield in a “offensive manner that made those of different skin colors wish to retreat to a safe space.”

On the charge of acting in a patriarchal and offensive manner the tribunal stated that

On many occasions Captain America was overheard telling colleagues that he believed that the “United States was the greatest country on the face of the Earth.” This violates Article 235 Section 17 Subsection 25 Clause 14 of the Army Code of Conduct which states that “at no point are Army personnel to believe in the exceptionalism of America, which continues to struggle with institutional racism and sexism.”

On the charge of displaying signs of white privilege the tribunal found that

Captain America often displayed photos of his parents (one self-identified male and one self-identified female) on the wall of his office. What is more he many times stated that his father was his “greatest influence and he would not be the man he is today without him.” By flaunting his two-parent white privilege upbringing he made peoples of color, who come from a different tradition than the white two-parent household feel that he was challenging them and flaunting his so-called superiority.

The Tribunal concluded by castigating Captain America.

While Captain America’s pro-American, patriarchal, white privilege attitudes may have been the norm for the Army in the past, we can no longer allow such blatant nationalism and jingoism to prevail. The modern Army is an inclusive Army, proud of its diversity and tolerant of different sexual and gender identities. Indeed defending the so-called United States and her so-called borders is no longer the primary focus of the armed forces. We instead strive to promote social justice through equality and inclusion. Therefore this Tribunal recommends that Captain America be reduced in rank to lieutenant and docked a month’s pay with loss of vacation privileges.

When asked to comment, a grim and tight-lipped Lieutenant America would only say that he felt he had done nothing wrong.

I am what I am. I fight to defeat America’s enemies. And if that means I’m wrong well then I’d rather be wrong. I make no apologies for what I am or for my background. 

From the campaign trail presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton praised the tribunal’s findings.

I don’t know who he thinks he is but in America of 2016 we do not brag or feel superior or exclude. He can go back to his red state and vote for my opponent and glory in his ignorance.

The final word is Lieutenant America’s sometime colleague Superman who told reporters that he was saddened by America’s thoughts.

“I fight for subjective truth, social justice and the way of the United Nations. I hope one day my former comrade in arms will learn the error of his ways.”

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Oh yeah baby, Black Lives Matter be Eatin’ Pot Roast out of a Bread Bowl on a Tuesday

Legendary ESPN college basketball analyst surprised many today by announcing he will be giving up his television job to devote himself to the cause of Black Lives Matters.

In a statement released on his website, Vitale announced that effective immediately he will be stepping down from his analyst duties to devote himself full time to “social justice.”

Oh yeah, baby. It’s the ’60s all  over again baby. Our black children are being assassinated on the street baby. The pigs in uniform are playing Mr. Pac Man with the brothers, baby. They are putting the brothers on the All-Alcatraz team baby! Whatever happened to racial harmony. It’s absolutely whack baby!  It’s whack! Oh yeah!

While Vitale’s decision surprised many, some of his colleagues knew that he was about to make a change.

“Dick’s a good friend of mine” said former Notre Dame couch and ESPN analyst Digger Phelps.

I knew the events of the past week had left him dazed. He called up me after the Dallas shooting and told me that it was time that everyone sat down. The NCAA, the NBA, the police and came up with a suitable solution to these problems. He then said “Oh yeah baby” about 30 times in a row. I hung up at that point because frankly he was getting annoying.

After announcing his decision Vitale joined a Black Lives Matter protest outside Dallas and began speaking to the crowd.

“We didn’t know who he was” said a protester.

All we saw was this bald white dude. Some thought it might have been Ben Affleck not wearing his toupee. It made sense. Ben is rich and white so we know he’s a friend of the black man. But then he said “Oh yeah baby” about 40 times in a row so I thought maybe he was a white rapper I had never heard of.

Despite walking away from ESPN in the middle of his contract, ESPN says there are no hard feelings.

“We want to thank Dick for his many years with us” said a spokesman for the cable giant.

We at ESPN support Dick in his quest for social justice. ESPN has a long history of supporting progressive causes. Some of our on-air analysts are even black. So you can see we support equal rights and Black Lives Matter.

ESPN then announced that it would be giving Vitale its “Profile in Courage” award for his support of the black civil right’s movement as personified by Black Lives Matter.

ESPN also said that most of its studio lineup will be revamped to demonstrate their commitment to Black Lives Matter.

The first show to be changed will be the popular “Pardon the Interruption.”

We’re getting rid of the white guy (Kornheiser) and making it an all black show. Colin Ferguson, the LIRR shooter, would be a good addition. He’s black and he’s fought the white man.

The first episode of the new Pardon the Interruption with Colin Ferguson will feature Dick Vitale as a guest. The two are expected to discuss expanding the NCAA tournament and scientific evidence that the white man is descended from the Devil.

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The red tights really bring out my penis, don’t you think?

Popular superhero Mighty Mouse continued his fall from grace after it was revealed that a woman who once came to him for help is suing the rodent for sexual harassment.

“I was in danger and he was great” the unidentified woman said in court papers.

He landed right in the middle of the alley and started singing “Here I come to save the day” and then he beat up the people who were trying to rape me. I was so grateful I kissed him and he said “Slow down honey. Mighty Mouse has a voracious sexual appetite.”  I though he was just making some awkward attempt at humor. He then asked me for my number. For administrative purposes he said.

At first thankful for his help she didn’t mind the occasional 2 am phone call from the superhero.

He said he was lonely and needed someone to talk to. He said that being a superhero didn’t give him much time for a private life. I felt sorry for him. So we’d talk and talk. One night the subject got around to fantasies and hidden desires. He asked me if I had any. I said no I’m pretty happy. Then he said he had a few forbidden fantasies and would I mind if he sent a few photos? I didn’t know what to expect. I figured he was role playing. Instead he sent me 600 photos of his penis. He said since he had saved me I owed him and that he was going to come over to my place and do some “freaky shit.”  “You’ve heard of 50 Shades of Grey? How about 100 shades of Mighty Mouse?” I hung up and blocked his number. 

After blocking Mighty Mouse’s number and thinking the worse was over she went on with her life. Instead he started showing up at her office. Frightened, she did research online to see if this had happened before.

I found out that there was a support group for those who have been harassed by Mighty Mouse. I went to a few meetings and it was packed. Hell even the Lone Ranger and Tonto were there. Tonto would just shake his head disgustedly and say “Tonto and Kemosabe not turned on by rodent genitalia.” It was then that I knew I wasn’t alone.

It wasn’t until a home invasion incident that she decided to take action.

I came home from work one day and I discovered him in my bedroom. He was naked and sniffing all my panties. When he saw me he smiled and said, “If you’re nice to me I’ll tell  you the which ones I jerked off all over.”

Frightened, she ran out of her house to a neighbor and called police who arrived and found the superhero lying on her bed, surrounded by her panties.

“He appeared to be insensate” said an officer.  “We arrested him on the spot.”

The American Association of Superheros, aka “ASS” has stated that Mighty Mouse’s actions do not reflect the core values of the organization.

“We have a very strict code we operate by” said the association’s president, Superman.

He then sent photos of himself and Lois Lane having sex to all the reporters attending his press conference.

“There’s a reason they call me the Man of Steel” he said while winking at reporters.

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