Captain America Demoted to Lieutenant!

Unconscious my ass. It was totally conscious

Unconscious my ass. It was totally conscious

Captain America learned his fate today from a military tribunal after a trial that polarized an already deeply divided America.

The tribunal found that America was guilty of “unconscious biases” towards Latinos, blacks, women, the trangendered and nongendered and reduced his rank.

While not as bad as being court-martialed out of the service, the demotion in effect ends the career of the former Captain America.

The tribunal also found that Captain America had acted in a fashion that “reeked of patriarchy and white privilege” while in the performance of his duties.  It also found that he used his shield in a “offensive manner that made those of different skin colors wish to retreat to a safe space.”

On the charge of acting in a patriarchal and offensive manner the tribunal stated that

On many occasions Captain America was overheard telling colleagues that he believed that the “United States was the greatest country on the face of the Earth.” This violates Article 235 Section 17 Subsection 25 Clause 14 of the Army Code of Conduct which states that “at no point are Army personnel to believe in the exceptionalism of America, which continues to struggle with institutional racism and sexism.”

On the charge of displaying signs of white privilege the tribunal found that

Captain America often displayed photos of his parents (one self-identified male and one self-identified female) on the wall of his office. What is more he many times stated that his father was his “greatest influence and he would not be the man he is today without him.” By flaunting his two-parent white privilege upbringing he made peoples of color, who come from a different tradition than the white two-parent household feel that he was challenging them and flaunting his so-called superiority.

The Tribunal concluded by castigating Captain America.

While Captain America’s pro-American, patriarchal, white privilege attitudes may have been the norm for the Army in the past, we can no longer allow such blatant nationalism and jingoism to prevail. The modern Army is an inclusive Army, proud of its diversity and tolerant of different sexual and gender identities. Indeed defending the so-called United States and her so-called borders is no longer the primary focus of the armed forces. We instead strive to promote social justice through equality and inclusion. Therefore this Tribunal recommends that Captain America be reduced in rank to lieutenant and docked a month’s pay with loss of vacation privileges.

When asked to comment, a grim and tight-lipped Lieutenant America would only say that he felt he had done nothing wrong.

I am what I am. I fight to defeat America’s enemies. And if that means I’m wrong well then I’d rather be wrong. I make no apologies for what I am or for my background. 

From the campaign trail presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton praised the tribunal’s findings.

I don’t know who he thinks he is but in America of 2016 we do not brag or feel superior or exclude. He can go back to his red state and vote for my opponent and glory in his ignorance.

The final word is Lieutenant America’s sometime colleague Superman who told reporters that he was saddened by America’s thoughts.

“I fight for subjective truth, social justice and the way of the United Nations. I hope one day my former comrade in arms will learn the error of his ways.”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    You mean he’s still in the service!?!

    The system is rigged.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Well since Lieutenant America didn’t “intend” to offend anyone the Attorney general recommended no charges.

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