The pipes are running fine if you know what I mean

Sith lord Darth Vader has returned from an extended leave of absence in which he had his mobile life support system upgraded.

Vader’s suit (serial number E-3778Q-1), while offering protection from the external elements and keeping him alive, had become obsolete as the years wore on.

“I was quite happy with my mobile life support system” said Vader.

But last month I got an email saying that the software on the suit was no longer being supported by Microsoft. And the suit itself, the hardware I mean, was getting old and bulky. I wasn’t enthusiastic to upgrade because frankly something always goes wrong when you do but in this case I didn’t have a choice

Helped by the Galactic Empire’s mandatory single-payer health insurance, Vader arrived at his physician for the upgrade.

“It was a difficult process” said the doctor in charge.

The extend of his injuries were massive. He had stumps for arms and legs and a badly charred penis, which frankly, we all posed next to and posted on Facebook. In addition his breathing sub process in the suit’s software was infected with malware. Every time Vader took a deep breath he was danger of automatically getting his credit card charged. So we did a complete overhaul. Software and hardware. Nothing we could do about his badly charred penis though. But at least the photo I took did get 100 likes on Facebook.

Once the upgrade was completed Vader had to adjust to the new suit. The most obvious change was the color.

Unfortunately the black model was out of stock. It’s very popular with the Goth Siths. So we got him an off-white one. Technically it’s cream with vanilla trimming. Not as imposing but it is less off-putting and creates a friendlier vibe.

The next adjustment Vader had to make was to the new software’s graphical interface.

His old suit was text-based. His helmet would process information and display it at a command line. The new software is gui-based, has a task bar and built-in apps. We even have an app that will simulate a non-badly charred penis if he wants to get his freak on. He can even get the weather report throughout the empire, though we have to help him program his preferences first.

While expressing some reservations Vader is for the most part happy with his new mobile life support system and plans on unveiling it in front of the Galactic Senate.

“This new interface makes me stronger” he said.

I’m going to ask the senate to join me. With our combined strength we can bring order to the galaxy. We shall rule and – wait I’m just checking Facebook. Alright who put a photo of my badly charred penis online and tagged me in it? That’s just wrong. And can anyone tell me how to disable this damn weather app?  It keeps telling me it’s raining in Dublin. I know it’s raining in Dublin. It always rains in Dublin!

Before meeting with the senate Vader hopes to stop off and get his breathing apparatus adjusted.

“I may have stumps for arms and legs but I still have my rectum and they forgot to add a separate air intake valve for that. Now every time I pass gas my eyes water.”

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