Record Heat Wave Hits the United States; Scientists Search for Cause!

If global warming isn't stopped life as we know it will cease to exist!

If global warming isn’t stopped life as we know it will cease to exist!

On the second to last weekend in July most of the United States sweltered through a record-shattering heat wave that had many searching for relief.

With temperatures reaching triple digits scientists gathered at a secret underground bunker to debate the cause and discuss possible solutions.

“We came here to debate the cause and discuss possible solutions” said one scientist as he ate free pizza delivered to the bunker.

I know having pizza delivered to a secret underground facility might seem like a security risk but many of us have advanced degrees so that makes it okay. And we like pizza. A lot. In fact there should be special ovens, hot ovens, making pizza 24/7. But only if it doesn’t cause sea levels to rise. I don’t think it will. Unless the pizzas are large. Then it’s  a possibility. Again, we all have advanced degrees.

Among stacked pizza boxes and bottles of coke the scientists got down to finding a solution.

Many of us believe that the extreme temperatures are the result of cow flatulence. With this in mind we advised the White House that if possible all cows should have an exterior cone. (Pictured here: a scientist works on an external cone that would protect the Earth from cow flatulence).

This will cover the cows, preventing global warming.

This will cover the cows, preventing global warming.

The exterior cone would capture the flatulence and dissipate it before the gas has a chance to get into the atmosphere and raise temperatures. As to what type of cone we are still at the blueprint stage but we believe that most effective and cost-efficient cones would be made from titanium. These titanium cones would be welded to a cow’s hoofs, forehead and backside. The majority of us believe that once this is done global warming will be a thing of the past. And I remind you we have advanced degrees.

Once it was decided that cow flatulence was causing the extreme heat a call was placed to President Obama.

We informed the President that the only way to stop global warming was to build cones over cows. Cow-Cones we call it in the science world. The advanced degree science world that is. The President, who is a very smart man, was very receptive to our idea and said he would issue an executive order mandating the building of the cones. He then asked us if we were eating pizza. When we told him we were he said that he was also. I don’t know what type of pizza he was eating but he’s from Hawaii so I assume it was pineapple.

Still not all subscribe to the cow flatulence theory of global warming.

We had a few scientists who suggested it was hot because it was summer.  How the hell they ever got advanced degrees is beyond me. Imagine suggesting that the seasons have something to do with the weather.That idea perished in the 20th century, like beta max and McLean Stevenson. We took away their pizza privileges. While that may seem extreme, those with advance degrees have a responsibility to scientific truth.

With an estimated 98.4 million cattle in the United States the cost of the cow cones will approach 18 trillion dollars.

“Money is no object when it comes to protecting our planet. Remember,we have advanced degrees.”


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