al Qaeda opens up and answers my questions

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ pride ourselves on our journalistic integrity. No seriously. Come on why does everybody laugh when we say that?

And in keeping with our journalistic integrity we were lucky to arrange an in-person interview with a top al qaeda operative who agreed to answer our questions. He had only one condition: That we let ourselves be beheaded after the interview was over. And considering our credit card debt we gladly agreed.

Question Number One:  Does al qaeda still kill homosexuals?

Yes. It is the most binding duty of Muslims to kill homosexuals whenever they see them. We only ask that our members wait until they have finished sodomizing them.

Question Number Two:  Does al qaeda encourage lone wolf attacks and if so who should these attacks target?

Yes.  Lone wolf attacks are on the rise precisely because we encourage all Muslims around the world to commit them. They are cheap, easy to do and environmentally friendly. As to who to target, we ask that our operatives target white Americans. In this vein we advise attacking hockey games or Oscar parties.

Question Number Three: You mentioned the environment. What is al qaeda’s mission statement on the environment?

America, by not signing the Kyoto protocols has ruined the world’s environment. Our planet is heating up at a drastic rate. That is why we insist that people in territory we conquer live without flush toilets or electricity. We do it because we love our Earth. And by blowing up infidels we assure less people to tamper with the Earth’s fragile economic balance.

Question Number Four: You advise targeting against minorities. The gunmen who opened fire in Orlando did so in a gay, Hispanic nightclub. Do you approve of his actions?

First off let me reiterate that killing homosexuals is the most binding duty of Muslims. And while we approve of his actions regrettably it was at a Hispanic nightclub. Fortunately most of the Hispanics killed were Cuban or Puerto Rican and neither count. Cubans because they vote Republican and Puerto Ricans because they have sold out to the white man. Now if the club were filled with authentic Hispanics, meaning Dominicans or Mexicans we would feel differently.

Question Number Five: What Are al qaeda’s Economic Policies?

We supported Bernie Sanders and were saddened when he lost to Hillary Clinton. Muslim society is a socialist, redistributionist society. From redistributing heads  to redistributing clitoris’ that have been cut off we have a long history of opposing the excesses and cruelty of capitalism. And killing homosexuals. Hispanic homosexuals, assuming they are Dominican or Mexican, we merely maim.

That question finished my interview. I’d like to thank al qaeda for meeting with me and truthfully answering all my questions. And now that they are going to cut my head off I’d just like to say, “Suck it credit card companies and your goddamn 20 percent interest rates. You ain’t getting nothing!”  

I just hope they use a sharp blade to behead me.

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