A previously unreleased behind the scenes photo of Kermit

As a child I used to watch Sesame Street all the time. I loved the show. Not only was it entertaining but it was educational as well.  Little did I know that behind the scenes was drama, betrayal and misery.

Popular Sesame Street regular Animal (pictured here)

Sex drugs and children’s television

has released a tell all book entitled “Too Slow! My Drug Fueled Romp Through Children’s Television.”  In the book Animal dishes in explicit detail his (and Kermit’s) drug habit, Miss Piggy’s sexual promiscuity and Fozzy Bear’s betrayal.

“When I got the job at Sesame Street I was already using coke pretty heavily” said Animal.

I mean I was burning through it at the rate of 10,000 dollars per week. There was a morals clause in my contract so at first I tried to hide my drug use. But it turns out the morals clause only prohibited me from voting Republican. After that my drug use was an open secret. Then I found out that Kermit was also using. We became good friends after that.

Soon Kermit and Animal were hanging out until the morning, hitting up every place in Manhattan that they might be able to score.

It wasn’t long before their work began to suffer.

Kermit would come into the Monday morning production meetings with a needle still in his arm. He told people it was for an anti-drug PSA he was filming.

But when Kermit switched to meth things really began to unravel.

Kermit would get very horny when he was on meth. We had trouble getting interns because it became known in the industry that “If you worked for Kermit, you worked under Kermit.”

But the promiscuity wasn’t limited to Kermit.

Miss Piggy used her body  

What’s love got to do with it?

to get everything she had. She slept with anyone who could help her career. She didn’t care about love. To her sex was something you did for professional purposes only. Eventually her promiscuity caught up with her and about half the Sesame Street team ended up with an STD.  But I liked her. She had a good heart and was only doing what any woman would to make it in a man’s world. The last time I saw here before her death was at the St. Mary’s Home for Those with Terminal Sexually Transmitted Diseases. We shared a few laughs and cried.

But the biggest blow to Sesame Street was Fozzy Bear’s betrayal.

We all thought Fozzy was our friend.

Behind the smiling face and jokes lay a ruthless SOB

But he was very ambitious and wanted to be known as more than a comic. He wanted the show. He wanted Sesame Street to be his. And he could only do that by pushing Kermit out of the way. Poor Kermit never saw it coming. He came in one day, high as usual, and found that Fozzy was the new host. Kermit was out the door. And when Kermit lost his prestige he lost the groupies, the drugs and the money. It was sad downward spiral that had him committing suicide by blowing his brains out. We all saw it coming. But there was nothing we could do.  I blame Fozzy. I hope he rots in hell. Kermit and he were like brothers!

The one person unaffected by the behind the scenes drama was Count von Count.

The Count lived the straight and narrow lifestyle.

Everything’s fine. No problems here

He went to Mass every day. He never suspected what was going on around him. I doubt he even heard of meth. How could anyone be so naive?  I don’t know. Perhaps he was a Republican. That could be why we all hated him. Conservative racist son of a bitch.

Animal’s book will be available on Amazon starting in August for $23,95. Half the proceeds go to St. Mary’s Home for Those with Terminal Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

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