To seek alimony is illogical

Commander Spock of the Starship Enterprise filed for divorce from his wife today.

“I have sadly come to the conclusion that to remain in cohabitation is illogical” said the decorated officer.

Vulcans mate for life. We have to. No other species in the alpha quadrant can handle a Vulcan sex drive. So for me to sue for divorce is personally shameful.

Colleagues of Spock say they are not surprised.

“He should never have married her in the first place” said chief engineer Montgomery Scott.

I’ve never understood the whole Pon Farr thing but from what I hear it’s pretty powerful. And you had better have a way back to Vulcan when it hits or you are screwed. Spock was in New York City at the time he started developing signs of Pon Farr. But as I always say, if you’re horny and wearing a uniform, New York is the place to be.

Reduced to a quivering wreck of illogicality, the first officer found himself prowling the after hours clubs in Manhattan looking for a mate. It was at one of these clubs that he met the future Mrs. Spock, an exotic dancer whose stage name is “Serendipity.”

“I could tell he was smitten immediately” said Ensign Chekov.

He kept telling me, “I burn!  My blood burns!”  Hey, we’ve all been there and she was hot. So I told him to go for it. I guess I’m to blame for the divorce. I thought it was just going to be a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of thing. How was I to know that Spock wanted more?

In the thralls of the Pon Farr fever Spock found himself mating with Serendipity backstage at a Guns and Roses concert.

“I remember snorting cocaine off her ass” said Spock.

That’s one of the few things I remember about that night. Looking back, snorting cocaine off her ass was highly illogical. Especially when you consider that there was a perfectly good coffee table three feet from me I could have used. But that’s what the Pon Farr does. It strips us of our logic. Granted snorting cocaine off her ass might seem a bit extreme but I’ve heard of Vulcans who in the grips of the Pon Farr have tried out for the Bachelorette in hopes of getting a mate. I at least never sunk that low.

The marriage was troubled from the start. Spock forbade Serendipity from dancing while Serendipity for her part was angered by Spock’s frequent absences.

“Why does he have to go into space?  What’s he going to get that he can’t with me? Is he snorting cocaine off green women’s asses now?” she complained.

While the divorce is finalized Spock will be living with Captain Kirk at Kirk’s bachelor pad.

“I understand he has coffee tables shaped like hookers’ asses. Flawlessly logical.”

(41)

I am ze locksmith of love. And ze locksmith of love only has consensual sex!

Notorious serial rapist Pepe Le Pew was executed in the electric chair this morning, putting an end to his reign of terror against women everywhere.

Pepe’s lawyer had long maintained that his client was innocent and it was all just a case of cultural misunderstanding.

“Mr. Le Pew comes from France” he said.

Being a locksmith of love in France is considered noble. Women love to be chased, pursued and captured. Every Frenchmen knows this. It’s part of human nature. French women enjoy the attention, especially from a notorious, sophisticated ladies man like Mr. Le Pew.

The trouble for Le Pew began when he emigrated to America for new challenges and conquests.

“I love ze Irish and Hispanic ladies” he told a friend.

Figuring the best way to meet the ladies was on college campuses, Le Pew started hanging outside sorority houses, waiting for the more attractive sisters to leave. When he saw one he would pounce, pronouncing himself to be “Ze locksmith of love” and smother the poor woman with kisses.

Said one victim of his “affections“:

He just grabbed me and started kissing me. I was so shocked I didn’t even have time to get my mace out of my purse. I finally was able to get away by using my self-defense training and kicking him in his groin. He confirmed what I’ve been told about men in my feminist study classes:  All men are patriarchal rapists who live to violate the safe space of women! Plus he was French and they are just icky.

Le Pew was arrested and charged with rape, forceable oral entry with his tongue and violating gendered safe space.

The sensational trial brought international attention.  Despite pleas from France that Le Pew be found innocent he was convicted and sentenced to death.

Many hoped that President Hillary Clinton would pardon him but that was not to be.  Bowing to political pressure from her left, Clinton refused to commute the sentence and in fact issued a statement agreeing with it.

As the first female President of the United States I support the right of gendered people to be safe in their spaces. Le Pew has consistently and blatantly violated this. He must pay for his crimes. And with due respect to our French allies we have a higher standard of jurisprudence and social justice on this continent.

The end came for Le Pew this morning.

Shortly after sunrise his head was shaved and he was given his last meal (French onion soup). A priest then heard his confession and he walked the “Green Mile” to the execution chamber. Eyewitnesses say all the while he was weeping and saying, “I love ze ladies!”

Strapped to the chair the warden pronounced sentence and asked him if he had any last words.

A defiant Le Pew said, “I am ze locksmith of love and ze locksmith of love only has consensual sex!”

It was then that electricity was passed through his body until he was declared dead.

Le Pew’s relatives have requested that he be returned to France for burial.

(88)

F*cking gamma radiation.How come no one told me about adrenaline?

Respected physicist and widower Dr. David Banner who due to an accidental overdose of Gamma radiation becomes transformed into a violent, muscular green creature now says that he probably shouldn’t have devoted his studies to this.

“You know I used to have a career. I used to be respected” said Banner.

Then my wife died and I became obsessed with the hidden strengths that all  humans have. Why wasn’t I able to save her?  I couldn’t pull the car off her. I can bench press 125 pounds. I should have been able to do it. I noticed that people weaker than I, who can only bench press 100 pounds, were able to lift cars. I did research and it was during bursts of gamma activity. So I developed this theory and bombarded myself with gamma radiation.

Unfortunately for Banner he was given five times the dosage he wanted.

Now whenever I become angry or outraged, which is often because I have a keen sense of social justice, a startling metamorphosis occurs. I turn into Lou Ferrigno.

The man gets action

I wouldn’t mind being Lou Ferrigno, the man was a bodybuilder and must get lots of action.  But he’s also mostly deaf. What’s the point of getting action if you can’t hear the ladies scream? Also this Ferrigno guy can be quite violent. When I return to being David Banner I’m always stuck with the bill for the damage he does.

His once-flourishing scientific career in ruins, and deeply in debt paying off the damage done by Ferrigno, Banner hitchhikes across the country taking odd jobs to stay alive.

It was while working as a bathroom attendant in a strip club outside Pittsburgh that he came across an article in Scientific American about epinephrine and how it can be used to stimulate feats of strength during a “fight or flight‘ scenario.

I read the article and man do I feel stupid. This totally blows way my whole gamma burst theory. If I had only subscribed to Scientific American back then I wouldn’t be in the trouble I am now. I remember my colleagues at the time telling me, “David, you really should subscribe to Scientific American.” But I didn’t listen. I just knew my gamma burst theory had to be correct.Well I better hit the road. That damn reporter from the National Register is closing in on me. And if you see Lou Ferrigno tell him I’m not paying the bills for his damage anymore!

From his home in Hollywood, Ferrigno denies any responsibility for the damages.

I’ve met this Banner fellow just once. He tried to give me a bill for 50,000 dollars damage. I don’t know who the hell he is or what scam he is pulling but the man better leave me alone.  Besides I’m a gentle man. I don’t go around destroying things. Maybe he mistook me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Schwarzenegger could not be reached for comment.

(82)

Help me throw this money in the laundry

Having interviewed noted environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio before I was hesitant to do it again. But he kept insisting he had a story to tell. So I agreed. We met up at an unusual place for a multimillionaire jet-setter:  A laundromat.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. DiCaprio.

LD: Please, call me Mr. Smith.  That’s the name on my passport and ID now.

MI: Okay. Why is that?

LD: Just because. That’s all. No particular reason. Certainly not to avoid the authorities.

MI: What?

LD: I said no particular reason.  Certainly not to avoid the authorities.

MI: I’m sorry I can’t hear you. This place is loud. 

my money is clean

Why did you ask me to meet you here?

LD: I have to do something for a Malaysian friend of mine.  He’s a regular contributor to my foundation.

MI: I see. What did he ask you to do?

LD: His laundry.

MI: He asked you to do his laundry?

LD: Yes.

MI: Doesn’t he have servants who can do that?

LD: Well yes but he said he specifically needed me to launder his money.

MI: Launder his money?

LD: Yes. Those were his exact words.

MI: I think you may be taking his words too literally.

LD: Are you saying I’m stupid?

MI: Well – 

LD: I’m Leo DiCaprio. Environmental scientist. Social justice activist. I live in California.

MI: Your point being?

LD: I’m not stupid. If anything you are stupid. Have you ever flown on a private jet?

MI: No.

LD: That means you are stupid. Now don’t just stand there, help me throw this 1.2 billion in currency into the washing machine. It’s very important that I do this.

MI: What happens if you don’t?

LD: My Malaysian friend said if the money isn’t laundered the government will throw me in prison and big, burly men will force me to have anal sex with them.

[DiCaprio continues to throw money into the washing machine]

LD: Hurry up! Help me!

MI: Well I think that’s about all the time we have.

[Government agents enter the laundromat carrying automatic weapons]

Policeman: Leonardo DiCaprio put down the money and step away from the washing machine. We’ve come to take you to prison where big, burly men will have anal sex with you.

LD: Wait. Am I giving or receiving?

Policeman:Receiving.

LD: That’s different. Take me away.

[They place DiCaprio in handcuffs and lead him out of the laundromat]

MI: Okay that was unexpected. The arrest part anyway.

I think we’ve all learned one thing today:  Be careful what you say around Leonardo DiCaprio. He takes your words very literally.

(54)

I hate white folk and their white privilege

Famous Sesame Street resident Oscar the Grouch has written a formal letter of complaint to the Sesame Street block association protesting what he feels is harassment designed to get him to leave the neighborhood.

“Why don’t people leave me alone” said Oscar.

I don’t like people. I don’t want to be around them. I just want to be in garbage can and eat garbage. Is that too much to ask? This is my self-identity.

The trouble for Oscar began when Sesame Street adopted new environmental regulations, replacing the old metal trash cans with new plastic ones.

“The old metal cans were bad for the environment” explained Sesame Street’s council president Kermit the Frog.

Metal I’ve been told does not break down naturally. This makes them bad. Plus they were breeding grounds for bacteria. Bacteria that smelled awful during the summer months. I don’t have to tell you that Sesame Street has a lot of racial tension and it isn’t helped by bad smells coming from environmentally unfriendly garbage cans.The plastic cans are certified eco-friendly and reduce smells.

Oscar for his part defends the old metal cans.

They were works of art.

Oscar’s old home

Steampunk at its finest. And the cans were durable. They were a good home for me. And they kept the trash inside, not like these new-fangled plastic ones which are always being knocked about throwing their trash anywhere. Did Kermit think that maybe that is the cause of the odors?  Odors I don’t  mind by the way. Only snobs mind garbage odor. Time was Sesame Street was a working class place where trash odors were accepted. Where I was accepted! Not any more. Gentrification has come to the Street. Now I got yuppies, or worse, hipsters turning up their noses to me. Me!  Oscar the Grouch! I built this f*cking street!

As well as lamenting the new plastic cans, Oscar is also upset about the new trash disposal regulations.

Back in the day I could spend weeks in the same trash can and not worry about having to move. But now? It seems every other day I’m homeless and searching for a new garbage can home. God forbid I’ve had a few too many and slept through the disposal time. That happened last month. I was up all night drinking Miller Lite – hey, it’s a garbage can after all – and fell asleep. I guess I was too hungover to hear the garbage truck. I woke up just before I was deposited into a waste disposal unit uptown where I would been recycled.

After his close call Oscar went to Kermit to complain.

He didn’t even listen to me. Do you know what he said? “Times are changing Oscar. I’m just giving the people what they want.” He thinks he’s so high and mighty. It wasn’t long ago he was sitting by a pond licking his balls. If he has any. F*cking punk. He’s gone all hipster on me.

Unable to get Kermit to compromise on the garbage cans Oscar has decided to leave Sesame Street.

This is not a decision I made lightly. This place has been my  home for almost 50 years. But Kermit is right about one thing. The times are changing and I have to find a home that fits my needs. Sesame Street doesn’t do that anymore.

As for Oscar’s new home he has chosen Detroit, Michigan.

“I’m told they still use metal garbage cans and the entire city smells like garbage. And I don’t have to worry about garbage pickup. The city is broke and has no Sanitation department anymore. It sounds like paradise.”

(105)