Oscar the Grouch Disturbed by New Trash Can Regulations!

I hate white folk and their white privilege

I hate white folk and their white privilege

Famous Sesame Street resident Oscar the Grouch has written a formal letter of complaint to the Sesame Street block association protesting what he feels is harassment designed to get him to leave the neighborhood.

“Why don’t people leave me alone” said Oscar.

I don’t like people. I don’t want to be around them. I just want to be in garbage can and eat garbage. Is that too much to ask? This is my self-identity.

The trouble for Oscar began when Sesame Street adopted new environmental regulations, replacing the old metal trash cans with new plastic ones.

“The old metal cans were bad for the environment” explained Sesame Street’s council president Kermit the Frog.

Metal I’ve been told does not break down naturally. This makes them bad. Plus they were breeding grounds for bacteria. Bacteria that smelled awful during the summer months. I don’t have to tell you that Sesame Street has a lot of racial tension and it isn’t helped by bad smells coming from environmentally unfriendly garbage cans.The plastic cans are certified eco-friendly and reduce smells.

Oscar for his part defends the old metal cans.

They were works of art.

Oscar's old home

Oscar’s old home

Steampunk at its finest. And the cans were durable. They were a good home for me. And they kept the trash inside, not like these new-fangled plastic ones which are always being knocked about throwing their trash anywhere. Did Kermit think that maybe that is the cause of the odors?  Odors I don’t  mind by the way. Only snobs mind garbage odor. Time was Sesame Street was a working class place where trash odors were accepted. Where I was accepted! Not any more. Gentrification has come to the Street. Now I got yuppies, or worse, hipsters turning up their noses to me. Me!  Oscar the Grouch! I built this f*cking street!

As well as lamenting the new plastic cans, Oscar is also upset about the new trash disposal regulations.

Back in the day I could spend weeks in the same trash can and not worry about having to move. But now? It seems every other day I’m homeless and searching for a new garbage can home. God forbid I’ve had a few too many and slept through the disposal time. That happened last month. I was up all night drinking Miller Lite – hey, it’s a garbage can after all – and fell asleep. I guess I was too hungover to hear the garbage truck. I woke up just before I was deposited into a waste disposal unit uptown where I would been recycled.

After his close call Oscar went to Kermit to complain.

He didn’t even listen to me. Do you know what he said? “Times are changing Oscar. I’m just giving the people what they want.” He thinks he’s so high and mighty. It wasn’t long ago he was sitting by a pond licking his balls. If he has any. F*cking punk. He’s gone all hipster on me.

Unable to get Kermit to compromise on the garbage cans Oscar has decided to leave Sesame Street.

This is not a decision I made lightly. This place has been my  home for almost 50 years. But Kermit is right about one thing. The times are changing and I have to find a home that fits my needs. Sesame Street doesn’t do that anymore.

As for Oscar’s new home he has chosen Detroit, Michigan.

“I’m told they still use metal garbage cans and the entire city smells like garbage. And I don’t have to worry about garbage pickup. The city is broke and has no Sanitation department anymore. It sounds like paradise.”


Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>