My Exclusive Interview with James Madison

I'm not short! I'm differentially abled!

I’m not short! I’m differentially abled!

Being, like our President Barack Obama something of a Constitutional scholar, it is my distinct pleasure to interview none other than the so-called “Father” of our Constitution, James Madison himself.

MI: Good day to you Mr. Madison.

JM:  Good day to you Manhattan Infidel.

MI: First off sorry about the British burning the Executive Mansion.

JM: I was disappointed. I had hoped they would bypass Washington. I mean we put up enough “Gun free zone” signs. I guess they didn’t see them. 

MI: Let’s talk about your signature achievement, our Constitution.You are considered the intellectual proponent of many of its ideas.

JM: Yes. I believe very strongly that the only path to freedom is a limited government. I also believe that while factions cannot regrettably be eliminated its more obnoxious effects can be diluted by having many factions and spreading them throughout the country.

MI: A government with limited powers, the ultimate power residing in the people. But what happens if one of our branches tries to expand the power given to it under the Constitution?

JM: Simple. I answer [that if] they should misconstrue or enlarge any other power vested in them . . . the success of the usurpation will depend on the executive and judiciary departments, which are to expound and give effect to the legislative acts; and in a last resort a remedy must be obtained from the people, who can by the elections of more faithful representatives, annul the acts of the usurpers. In short, The fabric of American empire ought to rest on the solid basis of THE CONSENT OF THE PEOPLE. The streams of national power ought to flow from that pure, original fountain of all legitimate authority.

MI: In short.  It’s interesting you use that phrase.

JM: How so?

MI: Well, you are short.  In fact if memory serves me right you are our shortest President.


JM: I’m NOT short. I’m height challenged.

MI:  Call it what you will you’re very short. In fact you’re almost a midget.

JM: Stop calling me short!

MI: Shorty. Shorty. Shorty pants Madison. Seriously. I want to take you to the mall and have you sit in Santa’s lap.

[Madison kicks Manhattan Infidel in the shins]

MI: Ow!  God you short people are so sensitive!

JM: Stop calling me short mister or I’ll get really angry!

MI: Yeah whatever [under his breath] you short freak.

JM: I heard that! You stop it mister or I’ll get my tall friend Thomas Jefferson to beat you up!

MI: You have a very short fuse.

JM: That does it!

[Madison lunges at Manhattan Infidel and jumps on his back hitting repeatedly in the head]

MI: Get off me!  

[Madison climbs down]

JM: Just lay off the short jokes mister

MI: Or what?  You’ll make me take a long walk on a very short pier?

JM: That does it. I’m getting Thomas!

MI: One last thing before you go. I really love Dolly Madison’s cupcakes.

JM: Are you talking about my wife’s breasts? You better not be!

MI: When I take Dolly into my mouth mm.  So delicious.

JM: You better take it back!

MI: Or what? You’re gonna cry?  

[Madison starts to cry]

And so I left the hot tempered short pain in the ass with a chip on his shoulder.  He’s probably still crying.



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