You can take away my millions, my heated swimming pools but you can never take away …um. Hey, what the hell am I saying?

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ are known to spend the weekends during fall on the couch watching football. And so it gives me great pleasure to interview the quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, Colin Kaepernick.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Kaepernick.

CK: It’s not a good afternoon in the ‘hood, whitey.

MI: What?

CK: I said it’s not a good afternoon in the ‘hood whitey. Black people are being killed by white people every day. The white man is committing genocide against us.  Black lives matter you racist honky.

MI: Okay. Let’s talk about that. In Friday’s preseason game you refused to stand for the national anthem.

CK: That’s right. I am not going to stand to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.

MI: So you’re saying America is an institutionally racist country that oppresses peoples of color because we enjoy it?

CK: That’s right. My people are oppressed. I am oppressed.  I will not be silent. I don’t care if they take away my endorsements. I don’t care if they take away my multiyear contract that guarantees me millions. I don’t care if they take away my mansions. Both of them. With the underground heated swimming pools and tennis courts. I don’t care if they take away my servants. I don’t. I’m not looking for approval. I’m here to fight for oppressed people. My people are oppressed. I am oppressed. When will the white man let my people go?

MI: If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t seem oppressed.

CK: That’s a racist statement! I am oppressed. How dare you say I am not oppressed.

MI: Could you give me an example of your oppression?

CK: I have so many examples. I was shot by a white cop in Ferguson, Missouri.

MI: That wasn’t you.

CK: Yes it was. All us brothers are connected. It’s our ingrained racial memories. I wouldn’t expect a cold hearted white man like you to understand. When one brother suffers we all suffer.

MI: When one brother makes millions do all brothers make millions?

CK: That’s a racist statement and I will not stand for it. Much like I didn’t stand for the national anthem.

[Kaepernick’s butler arrives carrying a tray]

Butler:  You’re food sir.

[Kaepernick takes some cheese and bites into it]

CK: What the f*ck is this? I told you I wanted brie not American cheese. What’s your name?

Butler: Clyde sir.

CK: What kind of nigger calls himself Clyde?  You’re fired you motherf*cker. Go back to the hood and get shot.

MI: Don’t you think you were a little hard on him?

CK: What do you know about hard? I’m the victim here.  I’m going to have to tell the agency to send me niggers who know the motherfucking difference between brie and American cheese. If I were white they would have sent me someone who knew the difference.  But because I’m a black man they figured they didn’t even have to try. They figure a black man wouldn’t care. That he’d be so grateful just to have cheese! I am not grateful for cheese!  I demand the cheese I asked for!

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

CK: Do me a favor and leave through the servant’s entrance. You white folk smell.

[Kaepernick sprays air freshener]

MI: Goodbye.

You know, suddenly I’m not such a big fan of his.

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