My Exclusive Interview with Leo DiCaprio Wherein I Let Leo Defend Himself Against Allegations About His Foundation

Help me throw this money in the laundry

Help me throw this money in the laundry

Having interviewed noted environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio before I was hesitant to do it again. But he kept insisting he had a story to tell. So I agreed. We met up at an unusual place for a multimillionaire jet-setter:  A laundromat.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. DiCaprio.

LD: Please, call me Mr. Smith.  That’s the name on my passport and ID now.

MI: Okay. Why is that?

LD: Just because. That’s all. No particular reason. Certainly not to avoid the authorities.

MI: What?

LD: I said no particular reason.  Certainly not to avoid the authorities.

MI: I’m sorry I can’t hear you. This place is loud. 

my money is clean

my money is clean

Why did you ask me to meet you here?

LD: I have to do something for a Malaysian friend of mine.  He’s a regular contributor to my foundation.

MI: I see. What did he ask you to do?

LD: His laundry.

MI: He asked you to do his laundry?

LD: Yes.

MI: Doesn’t he have servants who can do that?

LD: Well yes but he said he specifically needed me to launder his money.

MI: Launder his money?

LD: Yes. Those were his exact words.

MI: I think you may be taking his words too literally.

LD: Are you saying I’m stupid?

MI: Well – 

LD: I’m Leo DiCaprio. Environmental scientist. Social justice activist. I live in California.

MI: Your point being?

LD: I’m not stupid. If anything you are stupid. Have you ever flown on a private jet?

MI: No.

LD: That means you are stupid. Now don’t just stand there, help me throw this 1.2 billion in currency into the washing machine. It’s very important that I do this.

MI: What happens if you don’t?

LD: My Malaysian friend said if the money isn’t laundered the government will throw me in prison and big, burly men will force me to have anal sex with them.

[DiCaprio continues to throw money into the washing machine]

LD: Hurry up! Help me!

MI: Well I think that’s about all the time we have.

[Government agents enter the laundromat carrying automatic weapons]

Policeman: Leonardo DiCaprio put down the money and step away from the washing machine. We’ve come to take you to prison where big, burly men will have anal sex with you.

LD: Wait. Am I giving or receiving?


LD: That’s different. Take me away.

[They place DiCaprio in handcuffs and lead him out of the laundromat]

MI: Okay that was unexpected. The arrest part anyway.

I think we’ve all learned one thing today:  Be careful what you say around Leonardo DiCaprio. He takes your words very literally.


4 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    That was a pretty powerful interview. Personally, I’m surprised he made it past that bear, that can’t have been easy, even for the Wolf of Wall Street!

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