I am ze locksmith of love. And ze locksmith of love only has consensual sex!

Notorious serial rapist Pepe Le Pew was executed in the electric chair this morning, putting an end to his reign of terror against women everywhere.

Pepe’s lawyer had long maintained that his client was innocent and it was all just a case of cultural misunderstanding.

“Mr. Le Pew comes from France” he said.

Being a locksmith of love in France is considered noble. Women love to be chased, pursued and captured. Every Frenchmen knows this. It’s part of human nature. French women enjoy the attention, especially from a notorious, sophisticated ladies man like Mr. Le Pew.

The trouble for Le Pew began when he emigrated to America for new challenges and conquests.

“I love ze Irish and Hispanic ladies” he told a friend.

Figuring the best way to meet the ladies was on college campuses, Le Pew started hanging outside sorority houses, waiting for the more attractive sisters to leave. When he saw one he would pounce, pronouncing himself to be “Ze locksmith of love” and smother the poor woman with kisses.

Said one victim of his “affections“:

He just grabbed me and started kissing me. I was so shocked I didn’t even have time to get my mace out of my purse. I finally was able to get away by using my self-defense training and kicking him in his groin. He confirmed what I’ve been told about men in my feminist study classes:  All men are patriarchal rapists who live to violate the safe space of women! Plus he was French and they are just icky.

Le Pew was arrested and charged with rape, forceable oral entry with his tongue and violating gendered safe space.

The sensational trial brought international attention.  Despite pleas from France that Le Pew be found innocent he was convicted and sentenced to death.

Many hoped that President Hillary Clinton would pardon him but that was not to be.  Bowing to political pressure from her left, Clinton refused to commute the sentence and in fact issued a statement agreeing with it.

As the first female President of the United States I support the right of gendered people to be safe in their spaces. Le Pew has consistently and blatantly violated this. He must pay for his crimes. And with due respect to our French allies we have a higher standard of jurisprudence and social justice on this continent.

The end came for Le Pew this morning.

Shortly after sunrise his head was shaved and he was given his last meal (French onion soup). A priest then heard his confession and he walked the “Green Mile” to the execution chamber. Eyewitnesses say all the while he was weeping and saying, “I love ze ladies!”

Strapped to the chair the warden pronounced sentence and asked him if he had any last words.

A defiant Le Pew said, “I am ze locksmith of love and ze locksmith of love only has consensual sex!”

It was then that electricity was passed through his body until he was declared dead.

Le Pew’s relatives have requested that he be returned to France for burial.

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