To seek alimony is illogical

Commander Spock of the Starship Enterprise filed for divorce from his wife today.

“I have sadly come to the conclusion that to remain in cohabitation is illogical” said the decorated officer.

Vulcans mate for life. We have to. No other species in the alpha quadrant can handle a Vulcan sex drive. So for me to sue for divorce is personally shameful.

Colleagues of Spock say they are not surprised.

“He should never have married her in the first place” said chief engineer Montgomery Scott.

I’ve never understood the whole Pon Farr thing but from what I hear it’s pretty powerful. And you had better have a way back to Vulcan when it hits or you are screwed. Spock was in New York City at the time he started developing signs of Pon Farr. But as I always say, if you’re horny and wearing a uniform, New York is the place to be.

Reduced to a quivering wreck of illogicality, the first officer found himself prowling the after hours clubs in Manhattan looking for a mate. It was at one of these clubs that he met the future Mrs. Spock, an exotic dancer whose stage name is “Serendipity.”

“I could tell he was smitten immediately” said Ensign Chekov.

He kept telling me, “I burn!  My blood burns!”  Hey, we’ve all been there and she was hot. So I told him to go for it. I guess I’m to blame for the divorce. I thought it was just going to be a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of thing. How was I to know that Spock wanted more?

In the thralls of the Pon Farr fever Spock found himself mating with Serendipity backstage at a Guns and Roses concert.

“I remember snorting cocaine off her ass” said Spock.

That’s one of the few things I remember about that night. Looking back, snorting cocaine off her ass was highly illogical. Especially when you consider that there was a perfectly good coffee table three feet from me I could have used. But that’s what the Pon Farr does. It strips us of our logic. Granted snorting cocaine off her ass might seem a bit extreme but I’ve heard of Vulcans who in the grips of the Pon Farr have tried out for the Bachelorette in hopes of getting a mate. I at least never sunk that low.

The marriage was troubled from the start. Spock forbade Serendipity from dancing while Serendipity for her part was angered by Spock’s frequent absences.

“Why does he have to go into space?  What’s he going to get that he can’t with me? Is he snorting cocaine off green women’s asses now?” she complained.

While the divorce is finalized Spock will be living with Captain Kirk at Kirk’s bachelor pad.

“I understand he has coffee tables shaped like hookers’ asses. Flawlessly logical.”

(38)