It wasn’t me I’m telling ya!

Lately the possibility of terror attacks by lone wolves has been in the news as Al Qaeda and ISIS branch out to commit attacks in the United States. Well today at Manhattan Infidel™ I have found a lone wolf who has agreed to speak to me exclusively.

MI: Good morning, Lone Wolf

LW: Back at ya.

MI: Why did you become a terrorist?

LW: What?

MI: Why are you a terrorist?  Why the attacks?

LW: Woah….what?

MI: Why do you seek to destroy our way of life?

LW: Is this about the cows? Hey man, the damn farmer left the gate open. Is it my fault that I had access?

MI: No. I’m talking about suicide bombing. 

LW: I think you’re confused pal.  I’m a wolf

MI: I am not confused. As a member of the MSM I am one of the elite. And you sir, are a lone wolf. Therefore you are an Islamic terrorist.

LW: Islamic….look. I’m a wolf. An actual wolf. You’ve made a mistake.

MI: I am not mistaken. I am elite.

LW: For the last time pal. Look at me.  I am a wolf. Wolves do not follow the prophet. Hell we don’t have any belief structure at all. We spend most of our days sleeping late, licking our balls and humping sheep.

[Pause]

MI: So you are an Arab!

LW: Come to think of it our lifestyles are similar. No wait. Let me say it one more time. I am not a terrorist. I am not a suicide bomber. Yes I’m a lone wolf but that doesn’t mean – 

MI:  Aha!  So you admit it! You are a lone wolf?  You’re probably planning an attack right now! I bet you have a pressure cooker at your place.

LW: No!  No I don’t!

MI: It is my solemn duty as a member of the mainstream media to hype your threat and sow fear and division among the population.

LW: Wait. I thought your job was to report facts.

MI: Well that too, obviously, when I can. But I prefer to go for the higher truth. I prefer to be fake, yet accurate.

LW: Call me old fashioned but I still believe you should report the facts.

MI: It doesn’t fit the narrative. But don’t worry. When you are eventually shot by police –

LW: Shot? Come on man.

MI: When you are cornered after an FBI manhunt and shot I will be the first to report that you were an innocent person of color who is the victim of white police brutality.

LW: How the hell is that going to help me when I’m dead?

MI: You’ll be remembered as a martyr. People will build statues in your honor.

LW:I  don’t care man. You’re crazy. I’m out of here.

[The Lone Wolf leaves]

MI:  Police!  Police!  Stop that lone wolf. He has a pressure cooker!

[A shot rings out]

LW: Son of  a bitch I’ve been shot!

MI: I saw the whole thing. You had your hands up and were shouting “Don’t shoot” the entire time. Police brutality!  Lone Wolf lives matter!

LW: You’re killing me.

MI: Not me. The patriarchal power structure is. The same power structure that is responsible for income inequality.

[The Lone Wolf dies]

And so ended my interview with the brave freedom fighter for the Religon of Peace.™ He is a martyr. A victim of police brutality. I just hope this doesn’t set up race riots that I can write about. Because that would be wrong. Even it it gets me a Pulitzer.

(12)

#Dragonlivesmatter

St. Michael the Archangel is facing heat after slaying a dragon.

Sources report that a battle of some sort broke out in Heaven and that the Archangel Michael, together with a cohort attacked and slew the dragon, which is protected under Heaven’s “Endangered Species Act.”

As soon as it was confirmed that the dragon had been slayed, authorities from Heaven’s Fish and Wildlife Service fined Michael the Archangel an undisclosed amount.

“We take the status of our endangered species very seriously” said a spokesman.

This slaying of the dragon cannot go unpunished. Heaven is all about diversity. Diversity in saints. Diversity in angels. Diversity in beasts. For one of Heaven’s elite to slay a dragon like this sets a bad example. Heaven is based on the rule of law. I know many say the elite are exempt but we shall prove them wrong.

Adding to Michael’s problems are multiple lawsuits against him that have been filed by various animal rights’ groups in Heaven.

The Saints for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (SETA) has called Michael’s slaying of the dragon “the most shameful thing that has happened to Heaven since we let John Ritter in.”

Dragons are magnificent animals. Beautiful and majestic. If we start slaying dragons where does this lead? Do we start slaying Lutherans next? Methodists? Those who believe that Van Halen was better with Sammy Hagar? We are suing Michael because we are outraged. Outraged by his privileged used of violence. We have created a hashtag, #dragonlivesmatter as a way of expressing our feelings in this matter.

So strong are the protests that God himself has had to weigh in on the controversy.

“Yes Michael works for me” said God.

But I’m no micromanager. I never gave him any orders to slay a protected species. Look I’m not a fan of the Endangered Species Act but it is what it is. All I said to Michael was “slay the beast.” I could have been talking about John Ritter. I said nothing about a dragon. I’ll have a talk with him. I’ll probably bust him from Archangel down to Angel. Those stripes are important to him. He might learn some humility. We all have bullseyes on our backs here in Heaven and we don’t need any cowboys going rogue.

As for the Archangel Michael himself, he remains defiant.

“What the hell man. I was doing us all favor” he told friends.

People take things too literally. The dragon wasn’t just a dragon. It was a fight against evil. The dragon had seven heads and they represented the seven deadly sins. You remember sins, right? Some of us still believe in sin. I mean come on people. Give me a break. I didn’t work my way up to Archangel just to have people bitch at me about some damn wildlife.

With that Michael shook his head in disgust.

“Screw this. If anyone needs me I’ll be at Fitzgeralds having a pint. Does Conor still work there? No? What the hell? No one tells me anything.”

(59)

I am a Democrat

Not all is bad news for the city of Charlotte, North Carolina.  Stung by race riots Charlotte mayor Jennifer Roberts (pictured above) addressed her city, and by extension the country and the world, with a historic and compassionate speech that showed the best qualities of America.

My fellow citizens of Charlotte:

The past couple days have been rough for our beloved city. An unspeakable act of police brutality against a presumed anarmed black man has thrown our city into turmoil.

Once again, we as a nation have to confront the original American sin of racism and slavery.

Yes, I said slavery. Even though slavery ended 150 years ago, thanks to the efforts Democrats such as Abraham Lincoln, could it not be said that blacks still suffer from the effects of that horrible institution?

How are blacks still being affected by slavery you ask?  Simple. As long as we as white people, as long as we as a nation, refuse to see blacks for what they are, protected Democratic voters, there will continue to be violence against them.

We as a nation must do more for blacks.

I am a Democrat. I am proud to be a Democrat. Only the Democratic party cares about African Americans. 

Only the Democratic party regularly gives blacks money. Only the Democratic party supports abortion rights. Many black women live in poverty. Why should they be burdened with black children. That’s why our party has always fought to expand female reproductive freedom so black women can commit an act of love by aborting their children in record numbers.

Why should black men get jobs? Why should they give up their natural talents of basketball and rapping for a middle class existence working for a no doubt racist white supervisor?

Only the Democratic party supports the welfare state.

Why are black fathers needed? It takes a village to raise a child.  Only the Democratic party fights for policies that ensure that the patriarchy will be made obsolete.

We recognize that the eyes of the world on are on Charlotte. That is why I want to thank the protesters who have come from outside the city. In fact my police commanders tell me that a majority of the protesters are from other parts of the country. We thank them for coming here and showing concern. 

Peaceful protesters from all over have come to Charlotte to express their concern

Lastly I’d like to address the business owners of Charlotte.

Many of you have written to me and expressed your concerns over property damage to your businesses. Some have been looted.

Is profit the only thing you are concerned with right now? Frankly I am ashamed at the attitude of the business owners of our city. Instead of worrying about feathering your own nest with profits in this time you should be helping the black man by lowering your prices or giving your goods away for free. Redistributing them as we Democrats like to say.

To ensure that this will happen and to heal the wounds of Charlotte I am confiscating all business property. Henceforth they will be run by the city of Charlotte for the citizens of Charlotte.

Socialism today!  Socialism tomorrow!  Socialism forever!

Thank you.

This speech will go down as one of the greatest in United States history!

(26)

ISIS still uses mustard!

Top U.S. generals have confirmed that ISIS, or ISIL, or “those advocates of the Religion of Peace.” have launched a mustard attack on our troops in Iraq.

“Nothing is more horrible than mustard in war” said General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Unless it’s some of the stuff that passes for crackers. Or perhaps what our contractors send us and call “pickles” but are really whale penises. Don’t ask me where they get the whale penises. Detroit I think. But anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. The Mustard attack. We take this provocation very seriously. If ISIS weren’t Muslim we might think that they were trying to harm our troops.

According to those who were on the ground the attack happened after ISIS front-line units spotted U.S. soldiers eating hot dogs with spicy brown mustard.

An affront against Allah!

“Allah prohibits spicy brown mustard. That’s why he allows rape. As a consolation” said  Dunford.

When they saw the spicy, brown mustard they became enraged and directed that anger at our troops by firing yellow mustard at them. Several soldiers were injured including one who got some mustard in his eye. God that stuff stings.

As to how future attacks will be prevented, Dunford states that a strongly-worded memo has been sent to troops in Iraq cautioning them against “provocative acts” that might be interpreted as hate crimes.

We have already arrested the soldiers that were using the spicy brown mustard. They will be court-martialed. It is hoped that by showing ISIS that we take their values seriously they will stop attacking us. The United States is a friend to Islam. Islam and the United States go back almost to the beginning of our country. Our Declaration of Independence is based on many of the beautiful principles of Sharia law. Except for the ass raping of course

Order no. 775C, dubbed “mustard yellow” by troops has asked all troops to use only yellow mustard on their hot dogs so as not to antagonize the enemy.

While compliance is not as high as officers had hoped there are reports of a decrease in mustard attacks along the line.

“Now that we’ve stop antagonizing them (ISIS)” said Dunford, “we can bet back to doing what the military does best. Showing our appreciation for the Prophet.”

However the truce remains uneasy across the front line.

“We are crossing our fingers and hoping none of our troops uses Grey Poupon” 

You wouldn’t happen to have any grey poupon?

said a colonel. “If that happens then all bets are off. We might actually have a war on our hands.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest has announced that President Obama intends to travel to Iraq before leaving office in January.

“The President does not want his legacy tainted by Grey Poupon. He is a yellow man with a yellow temperament and yellow values.”

(25)