My Exclusive Interview with FBI Director James Comey

Put tape over it!

Put tape over it!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, James Comey himself.

MI: Good afternoon, Director Comey.

JC: Please, call me Pedro Marcon.

MI:  Um. Okay Pedro.

JC: The trick to success in the FBI is stealth and hidden identities.  Pedro Marcon is one of my many aliases.

MI: But you look like James Comey.

JC: Disguise is all in the eye of the beholder. If you sell your disguise enough people believe it.  

MI: Really?

JC: Are you familiar with Denise Richards?

MI: Yes. Beautiful actress. Former Bond girl.

JC: She doesn’t exist. That was me. I used that disguise for a few years to gather intel.

MI: But she had children!

JC: As I said, I sold the disguise.

MI: Right, Denise. Anyway, back to what I wanted to talk about. You recently said that everyone should put tape over the webcam on their laptops 

JC: Yes. A sensible precaution. People are watching.

MI:  Who’s watching?

JC: The FBI.

MI: But you’re the FBI.

JC: Am I? Or is this a disguise?  Perhaps I’m really Denise Richards pretending to be someone called James Comey who says he sometimes pretends to be Denise Richards.

MI: But – 

JC: You know Manhattan Infidel you really should have put tape over your webcam when you google photos of Denise Richards. I saw what you were doing. If I weren’t a Hollywood starlet with young children perhaps we could act on your fantasies.

MI: Wait a minute. You are not Denise Richards!  You are James Comey!  Director of the FBI!

JC: Am I? 

MI:You’re a man. Wearing men’s clothing. You are not Denise Richards!

[Charlie Sheen enters]

CS: Denise baby.  I will always love you. 

[They kiss]

MI: What the hell. Charlie you know you’re kissing James Comey, the Director of the FBI, right?

CS: No I’m not. I’m making out with Denise Richards.

JC: What did I say about selling the disguise? Hey Charlie I have some coke. Care do to some with me?

CS: Hell yeah!

MI: But James cocaine is illegal. You’re in the FBI. Should you be doing this?

JC: There is no such thing as cocaine. It’s sugar water. We disguise it. Selling the disguise baby. Selling it.

MI: So the war on drugs?

JC: It’s something we came up with when we were all drunk at a convention somewhere. Or if I were really James Comey that’s what i would say. But I’m Denise Richards.

MI: No you’re not!  Stop saying that!

CS:  Hey Manhattan Infidel, would you like to have a threesome with me and Denise?

MI: Oh what the hell. Why not.

JC: Just remember to put tape over the webcam on your laptop. I wouldn’t want anyone from the FBI to see us.

MI:  But you’re the – oh I give up.

And so ended my interview with FBI Director James Comey. Or someone claiming to be James Comey who might be Denise Richards. Or perhaps it was Denise Richards claiming to be James Comey pretending to be Denise Richards. I’m confused. I’m going to have to sit down. After I put tape on my webcam.



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