Hipster Hillary Has Michael Bolton Perform at Fundraiser!

Democrats are hip!

Democrats are hip!

Proving once again that the Democratic party is the home to everything hip, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had legendary singer Michael Bolton perform at a fundraiser.

“I wanted a performer that would energize our base of youthful voters” said running mate Tim Kaine.

And who better than Michael Bolton. He’s popular and at 63 relatively young compared to Hillary. He’s a Democrat and women still swoon when they hear him sing. I know my wife does. Okay actually he was our third choice to energize the youth vote, but Paula Abdul was cleaning the grout in her bathroom and Arsenio Hall was working his shift at Arbys. But we made the right choice. I mean look at that woman over there. She’s youthful. She’s probably only 50! And she’s positively swooning!

Indeed the mostly youthful crowd of 50 year olds appeared awestruck by the sight of Bolton.

“I used to listen to him all the time in the ’90s.” said one fundraiser attendee.

“Bill Clinton and Michael Bolton. Both remind me of my youth” said another.

As the crowd grew more excited it was time for the man of the hour. Looking tan and relaxed for a 63-year old with hair plugs, Bolton took to the stage and reminded everyone why they should vote for Hillary.

“She’s progressive. She’s hip. She’s elite like us” said the crooner.

And look at the alternative. Donald Trump? What person with an IQ over 60 could vote for him. He’s dangerous. If he’s elected he’s going to destroy our Constitution. I don’t know how I haven’t been following the campaign that closely but CNN assures me this is true.

And with that Bolton launched into his signature song.

When a man loves a woman

Who may have a serious neurological disorder

Can’t keep his mind on nothing else

If she’s bad and uses a private email server

He can’t see it

She can do no wrong

When a man loves a woman

Who runs a corrupt foundation that trades State secrets for cash

I give you everything I got

But at least now I can do business with the government yeah oh yeah

When a man loves a woman

Who passes out at a 9/11 Memorial because of the flu

Deep down in his soul

He knows she’s not up to the physical challenge of being President

But she’s a woman and not voting for her would be sexist

Yes when a man loves a woman

Even a portly 70 year old 

With a possible neurological impairment

I know exactly how he feels

‘Cuz baby baby baby

I’m rich and even if she drives the country into the ground

It won’t affect me.

And with that Bolton closed his set and once again reminded those in attendance to vote for Hillary Clinton.

“She’s a compassionate socialist and she’s going to turn us into Venezuela”he said as the crowd cheered.



2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I was moved by Michael Bolton’s song.

    OK, he’s no Bruce Springsteen, who is a socialist, a genius, a millionaire, and a Boss. But still, moving. And hip.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      I’d like to see Bolton perform at Hillary’s inauguration. It will be a thrilling moment for everyone over the age of 50 (which is Hillary’s core constituency.)

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