Uniforms are expensive!

In a cost-cutting measure, Star Fleet announced that James T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, will not receive any new uniforms to replace ones he damages while on duty.

“He was going to bankrupt us” said the Quartermaster General.

We are already taking a lot of heat from civilians about how much Star Fleet costs to maintain. I was hired specifically to save money. Do you know how many times we get requests from Kirk for new uniforms? He ripped it on the Enterprise.

Expenses! Expenses!

He ripped it fighting aliens.

Such a waste of Tholian cotton

He ripped it fighting Finnegan on some sort of holiday planet.

This isn’t my fault! Blame Finnegan!

He had it torn by a green woman.

Okay we’ll cut him some slack with this one

Now the last I can understand. There isn’t a man in the galaxy who can resist a green woman. But come on! We have contracted with the Tholians to make the uniforms. The Tholians have the finest cotton in the galaxy so you know that stuff isn’t cheap. And when you factor in transportation costs it’s an arm and a leg. So no. No more uniforms for Kirk. We’re going to make an example of him. Hopefully the other officers will notice and take better care of their uniforms.

In addition to the ban on new uniforms for Kirk, Star Fleet has announced that once the Tholian contract is up it will not be renewed.

We’re going to make the uniforms right here in the good old US of A.  Non-union labor of course. And we won’t be using cotton. We’re switching to double-knit. I’ve done the research and they are cheaper. And they are much harder to rip. I know Kirk is going to hate that. I think he rips his uniforms on purpose just to show off to the ladies.

When word reached Kirk that he would no longer be getting new uniforms he wrote a letter of protest to Star Fleet, parts of which are quoted here:

I know there is a need (to save money) but I think you are being penny-wise and pound foolish as they used to say on ancient Earth. My uniform doesn’t just represent me. It represents the United Federation of Planets. How am I supposed to impress alien leaders (and their wives) with the power and might of the Federation if my uniform is ripped? And I don’t think you in the “home office” appreciated how dangerous it is out here. We have many enemies. Sometimes fights happen and Tholian cotton rips. Sue me. To deny me new uniforms is, as my first officer would say, “highly illogical.”

Until Star Fleet agrees to reinstate Kirk’s new uniform privileges Kirk has arranged to have his communications officer, Lt. Uhura

The white man is whack, baby!

sew up his ripped uniforms.

“That’s just like the white man, baby” said Uhura.  “Always having us work on his cotton.”

(76)