Captain Crunch Goes Rogue; U.S. Warplanes Ordered to Sink Crunch’s Vessel as President Meets in Emergency Session With Cabinet!

Crunch goes rogue, destroys American prestige overseas!

Crunch goes rogue, destroys American prestige overseas!

President Obama went into an emergency session with top cabinet officials today as they discussed what to do with long-time Navy veteran Captain Crunch, who appears to have gone rogue somewhere in the South Pacific.

“This is obviously a very dangerous time and events are still fluid” said the Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus.

The President doesn’t want to have to order his ship to be fired upon but he has to act in the best interests of the United States. All we know at the moment is that Crunch has ignored orders to return to San Diego. We also have satellite images of his ship, which now is apparently flying a black pirate’s flag.

Crunch, who served in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and is highly decorated had recently been passed by for a promotion to Rear Admiral.

“He was pretty angry about that” said a source close to Crunch.

I remember him telling me “I’ve done everything my country has asked of me. And now that I just want to retire as as Admiral they deny me this? Well screw this. I’m going to do something dangerous.” At the time I didn’t know what he meant. I thought he was talking about maybe voting Republican.

It soon became apparent that Crunch had something more sinister in mind.

Lowering the American flag on his ship and raising the pirate flag, Crunch told his men their allegiance to the U.S. was over and that they now were going to “watch the world burn.”

At his first port of call in the South Pacific Crunch and his men rampaged through the island, grabbing young women and bringing them back to the ship.

“Big tittied island girls. Get ’em, grab ’em” he told his men.

Satellite images show the Captain having sexual relations with several island women on the deck while his crew watched and cheered.

“He kept saying ‘You’re being f*cked by the Captain, bitch. You like it?” said a witness.

When one tribal leader refused to give up his women Crunch ordered the ship’s guns trained on the island.

“He blew it up” said a Department of Defense spokesman.

He blew the damn island up. It’s a smoking waste right now. Inhabitable. Reminds me of Detroit. I don’t have to tell you the President disapproves of blowing up indigenous peoples. Unless he can’t get to the golf course. Then he gets irritable.

All U.S. warships in the South Pacific have been diverted to join the hunt for Captain Crunch.

“Our orders are to negotiate first” said a commander involved in the search.

Negotiate first and try to bring about a peaceful resolution. This might be difficult to do since no one knows if Crunch is willing to stand trial for his offenses or is even sane anymore. So negotiate first. And then if that doesn’t work we go for the kill.

As to Crunch’s desire to become an admiral Pentagon officials are sympathetic but say there is nothing they can do.

“Look we already have too many white admirals. It’s time to give black people a chance” said Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral John Richardson.

Regardless of the outcome those in Washington are already beginning to speculate on the root cause of Crunch’s recent violent actions.

“Perhaps one of his sailors smuggled a bible on board” is the prevalent theory according to Richardson.


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