My Exclusive Interview With a Lone Wolf

It wasn't me I'm telling ya!

It wasn’t me I’m telling ya!

Lately the possibility of terror attacks by lone wolves has been in the news as Al Qaeda and ISIS branch out to commit attacks in the United States. Well today at Manhattan Infidel™ I have found a lone wolf who has agreed to speak to me exclusively.

MI: Good morning, Lone Wolf

LW: Back at ya.

MI: Why did you become a terrorist?

LW: What?

MI: Why are you a terrorist?  Why the attacks?

LW: Woah….what?

MI: Why do you seek to destroy our way of life?

LW: Is this about the cows? Hey man, the damn farmer left the gate open. Is it my fault that I had access?

MI: No. I’m talking about suicide bombing. 

LW: I think you’re confused pal.  I’m a wolf

MI: I am not confused. As a member of the MSM I am one of the elite. And you sir, are a lone wolf. Therefore you are an Islamic terrorist.

LW: Islamic….look. I’m a wolf. An actual wolf. You’ve made a mistake.

MI: I am not mistaken. I am elite.

LW: For the last time pal. Look at me.  I am a wolf. Wolves do not follow the prophet. Hell we don’t have any belief structure at all. We spend most of our days sleeping late, licking our balls and humping sheep.


MI: So you are an Arab!

LW: Come to think of it our lifestyles are similar. No wait. Let me say it one more time. I am not a terrorist. I am not a suicide bomber. Yes I’m a lone wolf but that doesn’t mean – 

MI:  Aha!  So you admit it! You are a lone wolf?  You’re probably planning an attack right now! I bet you have a pressure cooker at your place.

LW: No!  No I don’t!

MI: It is my solemn duty as a member of the mainstream media to hype your threat and sow fear and division among the population.

LW: Wait. I thought your job was to report facts.

MI: Well that too, obviously, when I can. But I prefer to go for the higher truth. I prefer to be fake, yet accurate.

LW: Call me old fashioned but I still believe you should report the facts.

MI: It doesn’t fit the narrative. But don’t worry. When you are eventually shot by police –

LW: Shot? Come on man.

MI: When you are cornered after an FBI manhunt and shot I will be the first to report that you were an innocent person of color who is the victim of white police brutality.

LW: How the hell is that going to help me when I’m dead?

MI: You’ll be remembered as a martyr. People will build statues in your honor.

LW:I  don’t care man. You’re crazy. I’m out of here.

[The Lone Wolf leaves]

MI:  Police!  Police!  Stop that lone wolf. He has a pressure cooker!

[A shot rings out]

LW: Son of  a bitch I’ve been shot!

MI: I saw the whole thing. You had your hands up and were shouting “Don’t shoot” the entire time. Police brutality!  Lone Wolf lives matter!

LW: You’re killing me.

MI: Not me. The patriarchal power structure is. The same power structure that is responsible for income inequality.

[The Lone Wolf dies]

And so ended my interview with the brave freedom fighter for the Religon of Peace.™ He is a martyr. A victim of police brutality. I just hope this doesn’t set up race riots that I can write about. Because that would be wrong. Even it it gets me a Pulitzer.


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